Ways to Infuriate a Potions Master
by Birchwood29
Summary: Hermione has had it. She is fed up. She takes action and makes a list of everything she wants to do. Then she proceeds to annoy Snape into oblivion. What happens when her plan goes seriously wrong? NEW CHAPTER ADDED 3/24/10 AFTER FOUR YEARS!
1. Fed Up

**Ways to Infuriate A Potions Master:**

**By: Hermione Granger**

First of all I should tell you, I didn't expect it to go this far. Honestly it started as a silly little thing to give myself a few laughs. Sure and part of this was for some sort of revenge. Sure I had one too many points knocked off my house and wasn't going to stand here and take it anymore. Sure Snape made me feel like a steaming pile of dung. Sure. But was I doing this for myself? Of course. I will not even stand, or sit depending on when you are reading this, here and lie. I was doing this for my own personal revenge.

"Miss Granger would you kindly tell me why you see fit to daydream in my class?" a cold voice broke my day dream. I turned to look at my pasty professor with a sudden wave of panic. Was I really spacing out? Why didn't Ron or Harry tell me? Of course, they were to busy spacing out themselves. Stupid gits.

"Day dreaming, sir?" I asked trying to make his accusation less sever.

"Yes," Snape said and I noticed the entire class had stopped to watch or listen. The Slytherins looked in their element while the Gryffindors looked wary.

"I was so entranced by what you were saying that I needed more time to let you brilliant words sink in," I said with a slight smirk. I noticed some of my fellow classmates snorted. Snape looked as angry as I had ever seen him.

"Miss Granger I think twenty points for your cheek and a weeks worth of detention should suffice for today," Snape finally spat.

"I get detention for praising you? Alright then I take it back. You sound uneducated. Your speech makes no sense and makes me shudder in absolute indignation!" I said feeling myself blush under his stare. Harry and Ron turned to look at me with identical looks of shock. The entire class held its breath and suddenly I wished I could take out my time turner and take back what I just said. Even with the panic rushing into my chest and settling like a giant weight, I felt a fit of giggles threatening to burst from my mouth any second. I was literally horrified. If I started laughing he would murder me on the spot. That much I was sure of.

"Miss Granger another fifty points has been deducted and I will see you for the rest of the month," Snape hissed. I felt I was coming off easy. That wasn't say much though. Who the hell knows what I was going to be forced to do in detention. He was probably saving horrible things for me. Like cleaning. Ew.

I pretended to look humiliated and guilty on the outside while on the inside I was howling with laughter. The bell could not have rung soon enough. I ran from the class room and leaned against the wall tears flowing from my eyes.

"Mione really its not that bad," Ron said consolingly. "Its only a month. Why are you laughing?"

I howled again and couldn't remember a time when my ribs weren't bursting into my side.

"Did you see his face?" I croaked. "I can not believe I just did that. He is going to kill my tonight!"

"You are surprisingly upbeat about this. Why?" Harry asked squatting next to me.

"I have a plan," I said now calming down considerably. "The master of all plans."

"Oh yeah?" Ron asked clearly fearing for my mental health.

"Oh yeah," I said nodding with satisfaction.

"Well you have fun with that," Ron said patting my arm.

"I'm not crazy," I snapped at him.

"Of course not!" Ron said while pinching my cheek. Harry ruffled my hair and I giggled again.

"Oh how I love being pampered by my boys," I said pretending to sound touched.

"We can stop," Harry said mock-seriousness. They both dropped my arms while helping me up. I dropped back onto the floor with a silent thud.

"Ow!" I grumbled.

"Sorry we were supposed to grab you last minute," Ron said giggling. I laughed and began to walk next to them. "So a plan huh? You gonna let us in on it?"

"Not unless I need your help," I said shaking my head.

"What! You're not going to tell us? You tell us everything!" Ron protested.

"I don't tell you everything!" I said angrily.

"Name one thing you never told us," Ron said.

"In first year I was failing my flying lesson until I convinced Madam Hooch to let me write an essay as extra credit," I said quickly and stopped when they burst into giggles.

"That works every time," Harry said laughing.

"I told you not to do that anymore!" I snapped. Ron and Harry had a system, they would work me up, tell me that I tell them everything, then ask my to name one thing I have never told them. It works every time! Even after seven years of friendship! I am royally pissed now.

Yeah ok, not so much anymore. I am starting phase on of my Master Plan.

**Annoying Snape**

**Phase 1**

I stared at Snape all through lunch. He looked over at me once and I winked at him. He nearly dropped his goblet. I didn't smile or break eye contact. After a second he looked away clearly embarrassed. I couldn't help smirk. After that I felt his eyes on me at all times. I looked over at him one last time before we left lunch.

I turned to him and saw him looking over at me. I raised an eyebrow seductively and he looked away. I was sure I almost saw slight coloring creeping onto his cheeks. I shrugged and looked over at Harry. He was staring at me slightly amused.

"Did you just wink at Snape?" Harry asked not hiding his amusement and horror. Ron however just choked into his goblet and wasn't able to speak until Ginny had knocked any fluid that slid into his breathing tube out. I smirked slightly.

"Excuse me. Did my ears deceive me or did you just say that Hermione winked at Snape?" Ron asked Harry with a horrified expression.

"It is all part of my plan," I said like he was daft. Or more daft. Heck I was talking to him like he was Goyle. Enough said.

"What exactly is your plan? Hit on Snape? Are you failing potions? Is this why you are trying to bed our professor?" Harry asked loudly. I smiled at some first years who looked over at us and turned back to Harry.

"First of all, stop saying that. Second of all if you insist on saying that please keep your voice down before people get the wrong idea. Third of all, I do not fail! Especially potions," I snarled.

"Alright, then please tell me what you are doing," Harry asked and Ron leaned in. even Ginny looked interested but she pretended she didn't hear what was going on.

"Ginny you can listen I may need your help," I said and she looked as happy as I had ever seen her. "I am going to annoy Snape." There I said it. They would either call me crazy or amazing. I was betting on crazy but I am a born pessimist. And sexy minx.

Anyways, Harry and Ron looked pleased while Ginny looked impressed.

"How are you going to pull that off?" Ron asked sounding in awe.

"I just do stuff that he knows I did but cant pin it on me," I said shrugging. "Also, this is the part where my I may get detentions, I will say stuff to him. He is going to hate me."

"Why?" was all Harry asked.

"Because I am sick of that prejudice git taking points and just being rude to us because he doesn't like our house. I am taking a stand for all of us," I said hotly. Ron and Harry started clapping and I felt myself blush slightly. I hadn't meant for that to come out all inspirational and after-school-special-like.

"Well I'm in," Ginny said giggling.

"Yeah me too," Harry said.

"And me," Ron said with a sly smile.

"Alright here's the thing. Anything I do I need your help, you have to go with the flow no matter what. Ron that means you need to learn to ask less question," I said turning to him. He looked angry.

"I can do that!" Ron snarled.

"OK then," I said happily. "I am making a list of things I plan on doing tonight."

Three nods followed that statement and everyone was probably thinking I was doing it the Hermione way. Whatever.

A/N Please read and review. Also suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I already have a few but not enough to last me a story. Thank you and enjoy!


	2. Phase 2

**Annoying Snape**

**Phase 2**

Haha. Haha. Haha. Potions was by far the funniest class ever. People think I have gone insane, which is fine by me. For all I know I have.

Ok so for the first thirty minutes I sat there just smiling at him. Then whenever he would look at me I would drop my head down and look embarrassed. I wrote on my eyelids: I LOVE MY POTIONS MASTER is big black letters, so every time I blink he could see it.

My potion was done extremely early so I was allowed to sit there and just smile and smirk. He was so distracted he even forgot to scold Neville. By the first hour everyone thought he was ill. Harry and Ron were happy because they knew that actual reason why he was freaking out. Me.

Then the most unexpected happened. I usually disagree with whatever Snape says. Then I usually get yelled at and have points taken off. Today however it went like this:

Snape was in the middle of a giant lecture and everyone was listening with baited breath.

"It is the most complex potion to ever be known to man. Now it is also highly illegal. It can be compared to the Aging Potion," Snape said and his eyes instantly snapped to me. My hand was raised high in the air. "Yes Miss Granger what do you have to tell us today?" Snape sounded like he was trying to provoke me.

"I agree," I said simply and went back to arranging my bag.

"Excuse me?" Snape said like he didn't believe me.

"I agree with what you just said," I responded looking up.

"Get out," Snape said gesturing at the door.

"What?" I asked frowning.

"I said get out. I don't know what is the matter with you but I don't want it in my classroom. Out," Snape said. I looked around at everyone and packed my stuff.

I walked quickly out of the room getting confused looks as I passed. Holy macaroni, that is the first time I have ever gotten thrown out of class. I will see him for detention again tonight so I can put my plan back into action. Last night nothing really happened he just made me clean out his storage cupboard.

Minutes later I was sitting in the Great Hall eating when Harry and Ron burst in.

"What was that?" Harry asked grabbing a plate.

"I don't know he threw me out," I said shrugging. "I really did agree."

"Whatever ." Ron said shaking his head with laughter. "Even Malfoy looked confused."

"There's a shocker," I said snorting.

"Yeah without you in his view he completely fucked his potion," Harry said through a mouthful of pie.

"Language!" I cried. "Virgin ears!"

"Nothing about you is virginal," Harry snorted and Ron smirked.

"Hey!" I snapped blushing. "I am so a virgin."

"Prove it," Ron said and I almost took the bait.

"Shove it," I snapped.

"Name a place," Ron smirked again.

I leaned over and whispered in his ear. He turned beet red and turned to me. "Mione," he said sounding shocked.

"Sorry," I muttered blushing. There was an awkward silence and Harry broke it.

"So what are you going to do tonight?" Harry asked taking a bite of something wiggly.

"Ask questions, you know," I said shrugging.

"You're not in love with him are you?" Ron asked seriously.

"No, I just have this weird attraction to him," I said immediately. "Did you guys spike my punch?"

"No," Ron said turning back to his food looking horrified.

"So you are attracted to Snape," Harry said satisfied.

"I will never sleep with him. I don't even like him. I like-" I stopped suddenly because I noticed the way Harry leaned in expectantly. "Ha! You almost got me. Almost!"

Harry smirked. "I already know."

"No you don't," I whispered.

"Yes I do," Harry answered again.

"Whatever."

**Annoying Snape**

**Phase 2**

**Part 2**

I knocked lightly on the dungeon door.

"Come in," a nasty voice growled and I pushed the heavy door open. I walked to my seat and watched as Snape corrected papers.

"Granger tell me something," Snape said setting down his quill and looking at me with a calculating expression. "You agreed with me today. Why?"

"You were right. It is illegal," I said like it was obvious.

"That's why?" Snape asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes. Why?" I asked uncrossing my legs slightly.

"I am not one for pranks," Snape said sternly.

"Me either. Too juvenile plus people never seem to come up with good pranks," I said smiling. He looked sour again.

"Write lines," Snape said gesturing to the pile of paper and quill that appeared in front of me.

"Like what?" I asked picking up the quill.

"'I will not speak back' Ten thousand times," Snape said boredly.

"Ten thousand times? What do you think I did?" I asked surprised. Snape looked up annoyed and I quickly bent my head down to write. "How do you spell speak?" I asked desperately.

"Granger I am not in the mood for your games," Snape said viciously.

"Alright," I said shrugging like I didn't mean anything by it.

I sat there swinging my foot back and forth for a minute before I looked up at him. He was still scratching on his parchment not even two seats away from me. I was going to ask him why he wasn't sitting at his desk, but then decided against it. I looked down and wrote another thousand lines before looking over at him. My hand was cramping with such a force I feared it was going to just fall off. I cleared my throat and kept my eyes on my paper. Clearing my throat louder this time I noticed his scratching stop. I did it one last time before I broke his calm exterior.

"Water?" Snape snarled.

"No thank you!" I said happily. I started writing again. I wrote another thousand lines and started using my left hand.

"Did I say ten thousand?" Snape asked sounding like he was sorry. "I meant a thousand."

I stopped writing and handed him my parchment. "Well there you go. Nine thousand lines. Keep them, tack them up around the walls!" I snapped angrily. My hand was going to be in pain forever.

"Watch your tongue," Snape barked.

"Yes lover," I said in a husky voice and ran from the room. I was really upset I didn't get a look at his face. It was probably the funniest. Dammit. I really wish I had stayed for his reaction. Maybe tonight I can do something as drastic. Hmm…

A/N Please read and review. I am still not sure if this will be a romance fic or just something funny. I don't want to make it seem like Hermione is being rude to Snape, like James and Sirius, so I don't know. I'll think about it.


	3. LOVER!

**Annoying Snape**

**Phase 3**

**Part 1**

Did you know that it is illegal to call a professor 'lover'? I read it in _Hogwarts, A History. _I can get another set of detention for what I did. It wasn't like I asked him to do anything bad. Also there wasn't even anyone in the room! I better not get in trouble. I'll just blame it on PMS. People are let off for PMS. Seriously men are lucky there aren't mass outbreaks of murders during THAT time of the month. Dumbledore wont think anything of it. Shit…

"So how did it go?" Harry muttered during History of Magic.

"Funny, I might get in trouble though," I said in a low whisper.

"Why?" Harry asked taking books out of his bag.

"I called him lover," I said. Harry snorted and dropped all of his books. He then proceeded to have the biggest laughing fit I have ever seen. People were looking over at us.

"What did you slip him a mickey?" Ron asked sliding next to me.

"No," I said turning pink. Harry was making a huge scene. "Will you shut up?" I finally snarled at him.

"What's so funny?" Ron asked Harry. He leaned in and Harry whispered in his ear. Then Ron also joined him in a fit of laughter.

"Oh shut up," I snapped and moved my seat over slightly.

"What did he say?" Ron finally managed.

"I don't know. I left immediately after," I said angrily.

"Why?" Harry said snorting again.

"I freaked myself out!" I said watching as they continued to giggle.

"What is the matter with them?" Seamus asked leaning across his desk and whispering in my ear.

"I don't know," I lied. He shook his head and sat back and slid next to Parvati who was checking her appearance in her mirror.

"Ok we're better now," Harry said giggling still.

"You look like you broke into a butterbeer vault," I hissed at them. Their faces were flushed and tears from laughter was streaming down their cheeks.

Ron hiccupped and closed his eyes. He suppressed a giggle. "No, I'm ok."

"Idiots," I muttered.

"Sorry lover?" Harry asked and they burst into giggles again.

I swatted him with my books as Professor Binns drifted in.

"Today we'll be learning about…" Professor Binns said but I was already writing ideas in my journal. Harry and Ron were still laughing hysterically. Their shoulders were moving up and down and their faces were firmly buried in their hands. Ron let out another loud snort of laughter that made the entire class look over at us. Harry laughed louder and was now attracting attention.

And then to my absolute horror, I giggled. I couldn't help it. Now that I thought about it, it was supremely funny. I snorted again and felt my face turn pink with the force of containing giggles. Harry and Ron laughed louder now that I had joined in. I put my head in my hands and giggled uncontrollably.

I didn't take in a thing Binns had said.

When the bell rang I raced out of the class room and into the hall where I proceeded to giggle. Harry and Ron staggered out looking pink faced.

"I hope you're happy," I said trying to sound stern.

"This is all your fault," Ron said giggling again.

"I am going to fail," I snapped walking a head of them.

"Now come on lover! Don't be this way!" Harry called to my retreating back. He and Ron started laughing and I walked faster. I needed to put my third phase into action. I was just turning a corner when I collided into someone. I just felt dull pain in my butt when I realized who I had banged into. Snape.

"Watch where you are going," Snape snarled. I helped him scoop up his papers.

"I'm sorry," I said honestly.

"Its alright. I got it," Snape said. I bit my bottom lip then pressed my arms together to accentuate my cleavage. Which had grown quite a bit. He glanced at it and then turned away.

"Oh no I'm late for McGonagall! I have to go," I said sounding upset. Well I am upset. I'm going to be in trouble. "Thanks."

"No problem _lover,_" Snape said sarcastically. I nearly toppled over my own feet and flew down the stairs. Did he just call me lover? LOVER? DID Snape JUST CALL ME LOVER? I just turned pink and rushed down the hall. I walked into the classroom when the bell rang.

McGonagall glared at me but said nothing as I slid into my seat. Harry and Ron turned to me looking worried.

"Where were you?" Ron asked taking out his books.

"I have something to tell you," I said biting my bottom lip.

"What? Anything," Ron said and Harry turned to me.

"You have to stay calm," I said frowning. I did NOT want to tell them. But that bottled up inside would surely not help my already self destruction.

"We'll be calm. Calm as a calm," Harry said. Ron turned to him with a weird look and then back at me.

"I was rushing down the hall when I banged into Snape. All of his stuff scattered all over the place and I was helping him pick them up when he…when he…" I couldn't say it. They were staring at me.

"Did he touch you?" Harry snarled.

"No!" I gasped.

"Then what? You can tell us," Ron said comfortingly.

"He called me lover," I mumbled. They stared at me for a moment before bursting into giggles again. "Don't laugh!" I said angrily.

Ron and Harry were now laughing uncontrollably.

"Will you lot keep quiet!" McGonagall barked. Ron and Harry tried to stop but kept giggling. The other Gryffindors were looking at us like we were crazy. I was just crazy by association.

Harry and Ron burst into giggles again and had their hands deep into their hands.

"Miss Granger what on earth has gotten into them?" McGonagall snapped.

"I think they took a potion by mistake," I lied easily. I didn't even have time to think how much a liar I had become.

"Great," she muttered and turned back to the desk. Ron let out a whimper and burst into giggles again.

An hour later they had calmed down but couldn't think about it or they would laugh. Ron still had a silly smile on his face. Harry laughed every once in a while but managed to keep it under control.

"Dismissed," McGonagall barked and everyone began to file out. "Potter and Weasley you better not be giddy next time I see you!" Harry just waved and left the room.

"So like are you two an item?" Ron asked innocently.

"No," I snapped.

"Well you call each other lover," Harry pointed out.

"Shut up you magnet," I snapped.

"What?" Ron asked smirking.

"Nothing. You wouldn't get it," I answered.

"Are you saying I'm stupid?" Ron snarled.

"No, what is it? Your time of month?" I snapped back.

"Oh so you're saying I'm gay?" Ron asked his voice rising.

"No! What is the matter with you?" I asked giggling.

"Nothing lover," Ron answered smiling again.

"Hey do you think he'll give you points on your essay if you give him a blowjob during class?" Harry asked. Ron turned to him disgusted.

"Not while I'm thinking about food Harry! I almost gagged!" Ron snarled angrily.

"Sorry," Harry said and raised his eyebrows at me. I made a face at him and shook my head. Now all I could think about was doing that. I wouldn't, but it was there.

He totally ruined phase three. I was going to have to do it tonight, now everything was pushed back twelve hours. Dammit!

A/N Please read and review. Anyone who has ever had a giggle fit during class can relate. I had one and got detention. They're the worst, because you know you NEED to stop and you cant...well read and review. Thanks for all the reviews!


	4. Shampoo

**Annoying Snape**

**Phase 3**

**Part 2**

"Take these," I muttered handing Ginny my underwear.

"No!" Ginny cried shoving them back into my hands. "Why don't you have them on?"

"I have a detention," I said brushing my hair.

"Is it in a nudist colony?" she asked placing the silk panties on the bed.

"No," I snapped as she giggled. "Its with Snape."

"Ah so he makes you do it naked? Kinky," Ginny said now giggling wildly.

"No!" I said blushing. "I am just going to give him a peek."

"That isn't a peek, that is third date," Ginny said glancing at herself in the mirror.

"Who have you let in your panties on the third date?" I asked glancing at her with a smirk.

She turned to me. "Wouldn't you like to know?" she asked with a smile.

"No," I said trying to get the image of her and Harry going at it banished from my mind.

"Here put these on. You want to give a peek not the entire mountain," Ginny instructed selecting a white lace set.

"What's the bra for?" I asked taking it from her.

"Plan B," she said and turned around while I changed into them.

"Done," I said and buttoned my shirt up again. "Wish me luck."

"Luck," Ginny said and sat down on the bed. "Wait can I use your room?"

"No," I said picking up my bag.

"Fine," Ginny said and got up and left. I closed my door, and as an afterthought, placed a charm over it so only I could get into it. I really love Ginny but she cant be trusted.

I walked down the halls to the dungeon feeling a tight knot in my stomach. I am still shocked that he called me lover. Just forget about it. Think of happy things…a library, that I own, filled with first editions. Ah…shit I'm here!

I knocked on the door and waited for an answer.

"Come in," Snape called sounding annoyed. For Penelope's sake! If I annoy him maybe he shouldn't give me thirty detentions.

I pushed the door open and sat in my usual seat. He didn't look up just shoved me a pile of paper.

"What do you want me to write?" I asked dipping the quill in the ink.

"Whatever you want just keep quiet," Snape said angrily. I was surprised.

"Alright," I said and began to write.

_Hermione Granger_

_Detention Essay_

That was all I got before I got suspicious. Does anyone else think that this seems completely OOC? Hello, I would bet my life that Voldemort would want to adopt Harry more than Snape would want to let me write about whatever I wanted. I smelt a trap.

"What did you want me to write?" I asked again sweetly.

"I don't care," Snape said through gritted teeth.

"Sorry," I said elongating the word. I began to write little poems and stories. Hah. What an easy detention. I looked over at Snape and the way he was just marking essays like that. All studious and such. His hair doesn't look greasy from here. It must be all the potions he makes.

"Is my head more interesting than your paper?" Snape commented still not looking up.

"Yes I'm writing a poem about it," I said trying not to blush.

"Go sit over there," Snape snapped and pointed to a seat at the other end of the classroom. I giggled slightly and walked over to a desk and plopped my stuff down. I still wrote silly little things. It wasn't until my eyes began to strain with sleep depravation that Snape dismissed me. "Please leave your essay on the table on your way out." I placed it down on the desk and walked back to my room as quickly as I could. I was surprised he didn't comment how short my parchment was. Hmm…now that I think about it. That seems mighty fishy. I am semi-nervous.

**Annoying Snape**

**Someone Gets Revenge…and it's not me.**

The next day in potions everyone was looking around the room wondering why we had been given fifteen minutes of free time. It wasn't until Snape stood up that we found out, to my horror.

"Well I have a treat for you," Snape said looking at me.

"Oh god," I said figuring it out.

"Miss Granger has written a paper I thought you would all like to hear," Snape said snapping at me to come up there. I shook my head. "Or I will read it."

I got to my feet my entire face burning with humiliation. Everyone was staring at me. I took the paper and glared at Snape.

Shifting on my feet I tried to speak.

"Uh," I started and then turned to him. He wasn't looking at me so I charmed the paper to say something much like an essay. "The mandrake root is much like-"

"Miss Granger do you think I'm an idiot," Snape asked angrily. I didn't say anything. "That is not what you wrote." Snape grabbed the paper and read over it. Just then the bell rang and Snape dismissed everyone except me.

I walked over to his desk and quickly unbuttoned one button so that I had some cleavage. It's like trying to plant a garden without seeds.

"Miss Granger I am at the end of my patience thread," Snape started.

"I'm sorry," I said and received another glare.

"I don't know what you think you're doing but it is going to stop right now," Snape said forcefully. I leaned forward slightly and could see his eyes had snapped to my breasts. He tried to speak firmly again but couldn't.

"Are you alright?" I asked peering at him.

"I'm fine," Snape snarled.

"Alright," I said trying to sound agitated. "Same time for detention?"

Snape nodded and dismissed me with a wave of his hand. I stood there for a moment before getting up the courage to do something I had been thinking of doing for years.

I reached into my bag and extracted some shampoo and conditioner. I placed them on his desk and he looked at them and then at me. He seemed almost hurt.

"This is for difficult hair. I'm not trying to be mean," I said when he opened his mouth. He still looked angry. "Fine I'll take them back."

"No, its fine. Just leave them here," Snape said and turned away from me. I hesitated. "Anything else? Going to give me tissues for my snot problem?" Snape asked viciously. I had no idea what he was talking about.

"No, but I do have tissues," I said rummaging through my bag. I took them out and tried to hand them to him. "I used them. Well not these EXACT tissues, but some from the package. Do you not want them?"

"Get out before I really lose my patience," Snape said angrily.

"That was you calm?" I asked incredulously. "I'm going!" I cried as he got up. I scampered from the room. That man could use a good fuck. Not that I'm going to give it to him.

That thought was in my head for the rest of the day and into my detention.

A/N Please read and review. Thank you for all your reviews. I need ideas!


	5. Under His Desk

**Annoying Snape**

**Mishaps:**

Well I was just going to talk to Snape before class to tell him that the reason I didn't go to detention last night was because someone, Malfoy, shoved me down the stairs. I spent the rest of the night re-growing bones. Let me tell you that's no walk in the park. It hurt.

So I opened the door and saw Snape sitting there. I figured I would come early and not say anything in class. I didn't want him to embarrass me again. Whatever.

So there he was just sitting there.

"Sir?" I asked cautiously. Snape glanced up and then back down not even acknowledging I was there. Good he wasn't mad. "I have a note for why I wasn't at detention. I really wanted to be here, well I mean I don't want to be here because it goes on my record, but I broke my arm and had to re-grow my bones and Madam Pomfrey said that if she saw me trying to sneak out again she was going to make me miss all day today also. So here is the note and I know that is no reason for missing detention because than all the kids will be flinging themselves down the stairs in a last-ditch attempt to get out of detention. I'm sorry," I said all this very quickly in some sort of hope that he wouldn't throw something at me.

Snape stood up and walked over to me. "The note?" Snape asked impatiently. I got all flustered.

"The note," I said pulling things out of my bag. I dropped it on the floor and flipped my head down to look for it. I picked it up and went to stand back up when my head got stuck to his belt or his zipper, I don't know. Bottom line, my head is stuck very close to his you know what.

"Miss Granger what are you doing?" Snape said slightly embarrassed.

"I'm stuck," I said mortified.

"No you're not. Get out," Snape roared.

"Fine," I made to move and pulled him along with me.

"Stop," Snape said as we neared the door. "Just walk with me." Snape led me back over to his chair. He sat down and was in the middle of undoing his belt when the bell rang. Students filed in and I was shoved under the desk. My head hit the desk with a small thump and I almost cried out in pain.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't very well just undo myself and walk back to my seat. People will think that I was giving him a blow-job or something…Which wouldn't be a bad idea.

"The ingredients are written on the board. There is no reason to talk and get up. Longbottom even you can do this potion with out any-" Snape stiffened as I unzipped his pants. "Problems," Snape finished sounding strained. I almost giggled but contented myself with what was hardening beneath my hands.

I could hear the class get to work and left him alone. I attempted to pull the hairs out of his zipper. When Snape was sure that everyone was working he quietly began to yell at me.

"What are you doing?" he hissed slapping at my hands.

"Trying to get my hair out. Calm down I'm not looking," I said accidentally-on purpose rubbing his bulge. Snape jumped slightly and pushed my hands away.

"Stop it," Snape said forcefully.

"I am not being stuck to your crotch for the rest of the day. Just suck it up," I said and yanked another fistful of hair out of its tangles. I winced at every tug.

"Sir?" someone asked from the class. Snape stopped fighting with me.

"Yes?" Snape asked in his annoyed voice.

"I dropped the frog legs into the water and their bouncing away," the boy answered fearfully.

"Why you little-" Snape began but I, once again, 'accidentally' rubbed over him. He let out a groan and tried again. "Fine. Just charm them to stop bouncing and kindly place them back in their rightful container."

"Yes sir," the boy said sounding completely shocked.

"Happy? I made some stupid Hufflepuff feel better about themselves. Now please just get your hair out of my zipper and kindly stop rubbing me," Snape hissed.

"Like this?" I asked and rubbed over him more forcefully.

"Yes," Snape said not able to contain the small gasp them was emitted from in back of his throat.

"Sorry," I said as he slapped my hands away. "I'm trying to get my hair out."

I actually almost had all my hair out from his zipper I was now just teasing him.

"Stop slapping me," I hissed. It was really a good thing no one could hear us. Well I'm not sure about him. It looked like he was talking to his thing.

"I'm sorry," Snape muttered. It was now painfully obvious how turned on he was. "Just take my belt right off." Snape hissed as I almost slid my hand into the opening of his pants.

"Stand up," I ordered.

"Miss Granger there is no way on the magical plain I am standing up with you connected to my crotch," Snape muttered barely audible.

"Fine," I said pulling his pants down.

"What are you doing?" Snape hissed frantically.

"I'm getting my hair out of your zipper. Just calm down please," I hissed silently smiling to myself. "You wear silk boxers?"

"Shut up," Snape muttered. I could tell he was really embarrassed.

"Sir can you check my potion to see if I've done it right?" a small girl asked.

"Miss Parker I don't care if it blows up and-Ah," Snape sighed as I rubbed him again.

"Huh?" Parker asked.

"Bring it to me," Snape snapped. She hopped up and brought a vile to him.

"Here sir," Parker whispered handing it over to him.

"Its fine. Go sit down," Snape said stiffly.

I was guessing I had been down here for forty minutes. Meaning I had about fifteen minutes or so. I was so bored.

"Could you slip a book down here?" I hissed. Snape kicked me. Not hard, just a, shut the fuck up, kick. I pinched his inner thigh and he slapped my hands away. Snape now had his legs firmly clamped together, his erection still firmly poking out from his flimsy boxers.

I took my hands and spread his legs open. Snape began to shut them when I gave a firm tug on his boxers. Once again he stiffened instantly. I really didn't know what I was doing. I just knew from what Lavender and Parvati said. Apparently boys really like this. Like I knew what it was and I knew what I had to do. I just couldn't see what I was doing. It was kind of dark down here.

So I just started rubbing it and slightly tugging on it. Pretty soon Snape was pushing further into my hands. His moans were getting slightly more loud with every motion I made. I opened my mouth and slowly let him slide into my mouth.

Snape let out a really loud groan that got the classes attention.

"Sir are you alright?" a student asked.

"I-ah-don't feel very well. Class dismissed," Snape struggled to say without moaning out loud.

"What?" another student asked.

"Out!" Snape roared and the students scrambled for the door. Some were giving whoops and others were muttering that Snape had gone mad.

I just did what I had to do faster because with each passing moment I could feel him getting closer. He could feel it to because he was pushing me further towards him.

With a loud groan Snape came. I pushed him back and stood up. I really didn't know what to do now.

"Bye Snape. See 'ya in class," I said with a little wave and pranced from the room.

There beat that Snape.

A/N Please read and review.


	6. No Use Crying Over Spilt Potion

**Annoying Snape**

**Trying to Make Sense of What I Just Did:**

"You did what?" Ginny cried obviously horrified.

"I gave him a blow job!" I moaned into my pillow.

"Why?" Ginny asked looking confused and outraged.

"You know if you're sitting at the table and you know you shouldn't have that last doughnut, but its right in front of you?" I asked trying to make her see it my way.

"Ya," Ginny said frowning. "Oh god Mione! That is so not the same thing! We are talking about doughnuts and penises, pastries and Potions Masters."

"Yes it was. It was on impulse," I said biting my lip.

"An impulse blow? That takes time. You had to be of sane mind," Ginny pressed.

"I was stuck to his crotch for forty minutes. I got bored," I said miserably.

"So you thought sucking on his dick would take your mind off other things?" Ginny snapped.

"It did though!" I said sitting up.

"Mione, you crossed a line. What is going to happen now?" Ginny asked tucking back her hair.

"I have no idea. I really didn't think about that," I answered truthfully.

"Way to go," Ginny snapped.

"I'm sorry!" I wailed. Didn't she think I knew I did something stupid and wrong and that I was going to have to deal with it?

"What are you going to do?" Ginny asked looking over at me.

"I don't know," I said rubbing my temples. "What are my options?"

"Suicide, switching schools, or talking to him about it," Ginny said.

I thought for a minute. "Well I cant switch schools now so late in the year. Suicide isn't an option. I hate pain, so I guess I'll talk to him," I said dryly.

"I guess so," Ginny said rolling her eyes. "Are you going to tell Ron or Harry?"

"No!" I snapped. "And neither can you!"

"Alright lady keep your knickers on straight," Ginny snapped back.

"I guess I should go talk to him," I said slowly standing up. "You want to do it?"

"Hell no," Ginny said.

"Fine," I snapped and was almost at the door when Ginny called me back.

"Mione?" Ginny called.

"Yeah?" I said turning back to her.

"Don't fuck him. I know temptation is going to be very hard, but remember those things are tucked away for a reason," Ginny said and I stomped out of the room. She thinks she's so frigging smug. She doesn't seem to realize that I am fucked. I mean what if Snape went to Dumbledore?

As I made my way to the dungeons for my detentions I felt as if I was walking to my death. I am sure that I am. I mean I wont mention it if he doesn't mention it. There. Unless Snape says something about my impulsive blow job, I wont. Hah. Simple yet so bloody brilliant.

I knocked on the door and opened it slowly. Snape was sitting at his desk as usual.

"Lines as usual Miss Granger," Snape drawled. I went to my seat and sat down. I picked up my quills and did my lines. I didn't look up and we didn't talk. Well we weren't going to talk until, just as I was leaving, I turned back to him.

"I'm sorry," I said loudly and clearly.

"Don't be. It was quite the experience. Now if you would be so kind," Snape said and pointed at the door. I stood there for a moment and turned from the class room. What the hell? Is he trying to get back at me for fucking with him? Well two can play at that game. Actually dozens could play at that game. Millions could. It could be like one big revenge orgy. I'm slowly going insane.

**Annoying Snape**

**Speaking with Ginny**

"He said it was an experience?" Ginny hissed.

"Yeah," I hissed back.

"What does that mean?" Ginny asked tugging at her hair.

"I have no idea!" I hissed back.

"Weird," Ginny said she looked thoughtful for a moment. "What are you going to do?"

"Nothing. He seems keen to pretend nothing happened…so I will also," I said frowning.

"Just like that?" Ginny asked and I could feel her frown and the way she didn't agree with me.

"I mean I didn't even see it," I said shrugging.

"How long did it feel?" Ginny asked curiously.

"Oh for the love of- I don't know. Ten inches," I said and giggled as she almost choked on her hair.

"If Snape wasn't such a sadistic asshole, I would have to agree with your attraction," Ginny said and now I could feel her smile.

"I am not attracted to him!" I snapped angrily.

"Yes you are," Ginny said soothingly.

"No I'm not!" I said this time louder.

"Ok," Ginny said in an I-DON'T-BELIEVE-YOU voice.

"Bite me," I snapped and shoved her off my bed. I heard her go back to hers and I huffed about. Finally, after giving up on sleep, I stared up at the ceiling. I do not have attractions for Snape. I mean it's Snape for fucks sake. Of course I did an intimate act with him. So? I mean it's like when best friends have sex and never speak about it again. Only this is illegal and he is Snape! My Potions Master! Evil bat-man/git that lives in the dungeons and only slinks out to make others lives living shit holes.

Although he really doesn't seem that mean in the middle of an orgasm. Maybe if he was having a twenty-four hour orgasm, he would be a better person. (A/N Wouldn't we all?)

Of course I see no way in making that happen. I don't even want to think of that anymore.

I was just fading into sleep when someone poked me in the shoulder. I turned over and saw Ginny standing there. She shoved my legs over and sat next to me.

"What did it feel like?" Ginny asked excitedly.

"What?" I croaked.

"Like what did IT feel like?" Ginny asked more pointedly.

"Like a popsicle. Only thicker and not as cold. Like a twinkie! Like sucking on a twinkie! Cream filling and all!" I said and we both burst into hysterics.

"Did you gag? Or wait, was your tongue just sitting there or did you move it around? What was he doing? Tell me again word for word. I need to know what to do," Ginny said now sitting cross-legged.

"Who are you planning on giving a- Never mind. I really don't want to know," I said shaking my head. I launched back into the story only using more detail. Ginny laughed at all the right places and when I got to the end I could feel her look of shock.

"Hermione, you just pulled down his pants and gave it to him? He didn't give an indication of wanting it?" Ginny asked clearly confused.

"Well he was hard. I knew he WANTED it," I said now nervously tugging on my hair.

"Is there anyway you can say that you didn't do it?" Ginny asked frowning. "I mean there is a difference between wanting something and actually WANTING something. I mean I want some new stockings. That I can easily get myself. But I would never trust anyone else to BUY them for me. You know what I mean?"

"No," I said. She makes no sense.

"Snape may have wanted someone to tend to his swollen manhood, but maybe he didn't want someone else, you, to attend to it. Not without his ok," Ginny said. I gaped for a moment and then let out a shriek.

"I am an idiot," I said lowering my voice again as Lavender sat up. She finally plopped down and began to snore again. "I mean let's look at it from his perspective. He has someone connected to his crotch, something he might be very shy about. Which he shouldn't I mean it was huge," I said and Ginny smiled and told me to go one. "And I am becoming turned on because said person connected to my crotch keeps teasing me by rubbing me. So now I become turned on, to make situations worse. I am sitting in the middle of a filled classroom, with my most hated student very close to my penis, and then to top it off, she pulls down my boxers and basically rapes me! I would hate it if someone did that to me! No wonder he is acting so weird!"

"You apologized!" Ginny said quickly.

"Ginny if…Malfoy walked into you and started attacking your unspeakable, wouldn't you be pissed off?" I asked angrily.

Ginny paused for a moment. "Alright maybe a little," Ginny said defiantly. I raised an eyebrow. "Alright I would get every one of my brothers to kick his scrawny ass." I sighed and looked at the clock.

"I can not believe I did that! I mean detention was fine. Same uncomfortable atmosphere. But it was different like Snape wanted to do or say something but knew he shouldn't. I hope he doesn't think I want him to do the same to me!" I said suddenly. Ginny whipped her head up.

"Well tell him absolutely not!" Ginny said angrily. "I mean alright, you gave him a you-know-what. So? I have given plenty of them." Ginny stopped and gave Hermione a weird smile. "Which we will never mention in front of my brothers or mother."

"Never," I said shaking my head. "Who?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," Ginny said with a sly smile. "Let us just say that you may not be the only one who has done something she would later regret. Involving sex," Ginny said smirking.

"Who?" I asked again.

"I don't want to say," Ginny said twirling her hair.

"Harry?" I asked frowning.

"Well him tons of times," Ginny said.

"I thought you didn't know how to do it," I said accusingly.

"No I asked how you did it. I mean if he was acting weird maybe it was like having a dog down there or something," Ginny said. I frowned and my first thought was of Sirius. I had to shake it out of my mind. And was almost surprised to see Ginny doing the same thing.

"Snuffles?" I asked.

"Yeah," said Ginny shuddering.

"Alright tomorrow I am going into class like nothing happened," I said boldly.

"Good," Ginny said and went back to bed.

**Annoying Snape**

**Dead Girl Walking**

I don't even want to walk into the classroom. I mean I cant very well turn around and haul ass back to the Common Room. Can I? No that would be very bad! Plus Harry and Ron are right next to me and I would have to explain what happened and I don't think they would understand at all.

"So how is annoying Snape going?" Ron asked.

"Making any headway?" Harry asked.

I paused for a minute. "A little," I said almost giggling about the way Ginny would be reacting if she were here. "I'm taking it one step at a time."

We walked into the dungeon and took our usual seats. I waited for Snape to come in.

He entered and started class like nothing happened. Which was totally fine, I mean I didn't want Snape to announce the amazing wonders I can do with my tongue! But I mean I did want a little recognition. Maybe I was terrible. Well I cant very well ask him…Can I?

"Please begin and I mean it. Anyone who spills an ounce on my floor will not be happy with my punishment," Snape said viciously. He didn't mind spilling anything onto the floor yesterday. See this is why I am not allowed to think! I drive myself insane.

Snape seemed to be watching me. Maybe he made the joke on purpose? To see if I had told Ron and Harry? Maybe he thought it had been a joke! I mean crap I like a good laugh but I'm not going to give someone head just for a laugh! I sure as hell wouldn't turn around and tell Ron and Harry. I mean sure they're my best mates and we've been through a lot together. But they have the maturity of a nine year old. Even Harry. He doesn't show it often but when pushed he can be very childish. I talk to Ginny because she is my only female friend who hasn't slept with every boy in school like Parvati and Lavender.

I couldn't shake the sense that I was being watched. I looked up and was shocked to see Snape correcting papers. I turned around the classroom and saw Malfoy staring at me. He made a kissy face and winked at me. EW! AS IF!

I rolled my eyes and went back to my work. I still felt Malfoy's eyes on me and turned to look over at him. He was still smirking.

"Stop it!" I hissed angrily.

"Miss Granger talking during class?" Snape asked smoothly. I swear sometimes Snape must pay Malfoy to provoke one of us.

"Um…yes?" I said not sure of what to say.

"Well then another detention and twenty points from Gryffindor," Snape said and I felt angry. I mean I gave this man a blow- Oh I get it. More DETENTIONS. I see what he was trying to do.

I worked quietly for the rest of class. I didn't even notice when Neville's potion exploded all over me and I smelled like roses. I was actually thankful until people started flinging themselves on me and I had to rush to Madam Pomfrey for an antidote.

I was just entering the infirmary when I noticed Snape standing talking to Madam.

I cleared my throat to signify my entrance. They both looked over at me.

"Before you come any closer I should warn you. I am irresistible," I warned. Snape rolled his eyes.

"Modesty not your strong suite?" Snape asked.

"No! For the love of Merlin, Neville knocked like a love potion onto me!" I said angrily. Madam Pomfrey put a mask on me and set to reverse it. I noticed Snape standing there with a mask on also. Madam Pomfrey left for a minute and we were left alone.

I cleared my throat a couple of times.

"Would you like a glass of water?" Snape demanded.

"No thank you," I said blushing. "Listen about what happened-"

"Nothing happened Miss Granger," Snape cut in smoothly.

"Was I bad?" I asked after a minute.

"Oh for the love of Merlin," Snape said folding his arms uncomfortably. "Keep quiet."

"Why are you even here?" I snapped.

"Watch your tongue," Snape said coldly. "I am merely here to make sure no one bursts in and attempts to attack you."

"Very noble," I said placidly. Snape glared at me for a moment. " I want you to know that it was a mistake. Not a joke. I may be a lot of things but cruel is not one of them."

Snape stiffened and stared a head. "I thank you for your honesty."

"Your thanks is duly noted." I said still not looking at him.

"Oh I have something for you," Snape said in a tone I did not recognize at all. He dropped a tube onto my lap and I gaped it. "It is to calm bushy, uncontrollable hair." Snape said with a small smile. "I think you should be safe. Excuse me," Snape said and left the room.

I just stared at the bottle of shampoo.

A/N Please review. She will annoy him more no need to worry.


	7. Meeting With the Masters

**A/N Ok I forgot to thank rinny08 for the suggestion with the shampoo. I was going to thank you and then it got really late and I posted it and it was only when I was shutting down my computer that I saw the neon orange post-it note that clearly says: THANK RINNY08 FOR HER SUGGESTION.**

**I apologize. Alright on to the story.**

**Annoying Snape**

**Another Discussion with Ginny**

I stomped into the room and flung the shampoo onto her lap. She looked up at me and smiled.

"No thanks. I've already showered today," Ginny replied glancing at the label.

"Snape gave that to me," I said angrily. Ginny snorted and quickly tried to stifle it. "I think he thought he was being funny. Or helpful, I don't know. All I know is that he is getting back to me for every prank I play!" I snapped angrily and sat down next to her.

"Hermione, you will always be the girl who did THAT during class," Ginny said. I moaned and put my head in my hands.

"Dammit! What am I going to do?" I asked miserably.

"I think you need help from the masters," Ginny said sagely.

"Huh?" I asked.

"Fred and George," Ginny snapped.

"Oh! Those masters," I said nodding. "Wait you cant call them! Then I will have to tell them what I did!"

"So…this is Fred and George. What is the worst that can happen?" Ginny asked me. Her smile faltered as she thought about it. "Alright tons can happen."

"Yes, they can mention it to someone or something else bad can happen," I said angrily rubbing my forehead. This is not happening. It went from something so simple, to something absolutely fucked up.

This is so not supposed to happen. I mean I am usually in control with everything in my life and it suddenly just slipped through my fingers into the big space the is oblivion.

I hate not knowing what is going to happen and I hate not being in control. I've already said that! See what I mean. slowly slipping into insanity.

"Ok floo them but you are forbidden to go into more detail than necessary," I warned. Ginny suddenly looked really guilty and I felt my stomach tighten in fear. "Oh for the love of popcorn what did you do?"

"I already kinda told them and I already kinds set up a meeting," Ginny said quietly.

"You what!" I yelled throwing my hands into the air.

"I'm so sorry!" Ginny wailed. "I didn't know what to do. It freaked me out!"

"From now on please keep my stuff to yourself," I spat.

"Fine. Do you want their help or not?" Ginny asked already knowing the answer.

"Ugh, I guess," I said finally. "Fine! I need their help!"

"Great! We have a meeting with them tomorrow at four in the Three Broomsticks," Ginny said.

**Annoying Snape**

**The Meeting of Minds**

Ginny and I slowly crept along the streets. No one even noticed us, so I was highly doubting that anyone would care that we snuck out. I mean we used the cloak and we went through Honeydukes, which was packed even though there wasn't weekend.

Finally we made it into the pub and saw identical heads of hair with their backs to us.

"Hey guys we-" Ginny started.

"Shh," Fred warned.

"We already know. Sit down don't talk," George said in a harsh voice.

"What's going on?" I asked.

Fred and George turned to us with smiles.

"Nothing that was our serious voice. Worked right?" Fred asked taking out a notebook. I rolled my eyes.

"Now if our records are correct you need to prank someone. Not just anyone, the biggest non-pranker. And you don't want to do anything to harsh because this is tiny pay-back not full blown revenge. Now usually we would just tell you to humiliate him in public but this isn't just anyone. This is Snape. He would skin the…skin from your body. Public humiliation does not bode well with that man. We tried something nearly similar and let me tell you…" George trailed off. I got the picture. I am guessing that is why Filch's chains were mysteriously missing and then returned the next day. Around the same time Fred and George became really quiet. Snape is a scary mo-frigger.

"Alright…well what do you got?" I asked somewhat impatiently. Time was of the essence.

"Have you tried hugging him?" Fred asked sipping something that was steaming. I was almost distracted by it.

"I think hugging might give him the wrong idea," I said carefully.

"Why?" George asked scanning his notes. I sighed and looked over at Ginny who was having tiny hysterics in her seat. It would serve her right if she started choking on her own spit and died on the spot.

"Well I sorta…kinda….Well I…," I didn't know what to say. Finally Ginny leaned across the table and mentioned something to Fred and George.

I'm guessing they now know because Fred spit his steaming mug all over my face and had a giant coughing fit while George just sort of gaped. They weren't laughing…yet. I think it will take a minute.

Wait…there it is. Now they're laughing.

"Stop laughing," I snapped angrily.

"Would possessed you to do that?" Fred asked in between giggles.

"I don't know. It just seemed like a good idea," I said banging my head on the table.

"Yeah so was making fake wands. Great idea, bad feed back," George said solemnly.

"Oh what do you know?" I snapped. They burst into giggles and even Ginny was trying to control hers. "Are you going to help me or are you just going to sit there and laugh for a few years?"

"Give us a minute. You can't just spring something on us like this and expect us to be fine and dandy a minute later. This is serious. I think in all my six and a half years at Hogwarts you have been the first person to do that. Amazing really. If this got out, some people would see you as a Goddess," Fred said peering at me.

"And a slutty whorebag who would do anything for the perfect grade," Ginny said while George snapped his fingers at her and nodded.

"Thank you Ginny," I said dryly. She just shrugged and continued to sip her butterbeer. "Well whorebag or not I've blown myself into a mess and I need help digging my way out."

"First of all, nice use of words, Second of all, why?" George asked taking a sip of his steaming cup of what I am going to guess is whiskey.

"Because I wanted to get him back…not please him," I said sadly.

"Well you will get him back. We have given you a list of things to do. Do them in order and on the given dates and times and all should go well. So help me Merlin if my mum or McGonagall shows up on our doorstep because you get caught and blame us," Fred snapped looking stern.

"Your secret is safe with me," I muttered distractedly. This was a very thorough list. "So when it says so?"

"Yes," George said snatching the list back. "Fred I told you…that week is her time of month, she needs to do it the week after that," George muttered but I heard him.

"Excuse me!" I cried outraged. How in banana's name did they find out when my time of month was?

"Oh unclench…," Fred snapped lightly. "Ginny told us. Plus you seem to be in a bad mood the second week of every month."

I was struck silent. Ok sometimes even I have to be reminded when my period is. For a while I had my journal yell it to me but I opened it in the library and it screamed it out loud. It was so embarrassing because I dropped it and it kept yelling it really loud. Now every second week, Malfoy throws tampons at me. I honestly don't know where he gets them. It wasn't till I explained what they were that he stopped for a while. Now Pansy throws them at me. Which is just as well, her aim SUCKS.

"Huh," I said defeated. I glared daggers at Ginny who was suddenly very interested in a stray strand on her sweater. I gave it a sharp tug and it fell off. She looked over at me.  
"Thanks?" she asked timidly.

"I am going to kill you," I hissed.

"I'm sorry! They already knew!" Ginny said looking nervous. I wasn't going to slap her.

"Alright. Here is your list. Now remember if I get one howler, I am going to go into my big bag of tricks and pull out all the stop to make sure you regret the day you were born," George said.

"Too late," I muttered glancing at the list in agony. This was like the worst list ever. "I have one question."

"Shoot," Fred muttered looking for a quill.

"Have you just met me?" I snapped looking at them.

"No, I'm Gred and this is my twin brother Forge," George said smiling.

"I cant do this!" I cried as they stood up.

"Sure you can. You are Hermione Jane Granger," Fred said kissing the top of my head. "Your head smells like roses."

"Love potion," I said.

"Of course," Fred answered like it was the most obvious thing.

"See ya," George said and waved good-bye to Ginny and I.

"Shit," I said looking down the list.

A/N I have to go because tomorrow is my first day of school. I am so unexcited it is ridiculous. I like just started my summer and they drag us back in the hottest fricken month of SUMMER. Well I am moping. I will honestly try and get as many chapters out as possible. I don't want to be the kind of person who doesn't update for months, and I'm not, but I am begging for your patience because I don't know hard my work load will be. Last year I never had homework because they placed me in all the wrong classes and the work was like for a third grader. Anywho, please be patient. Oh and read and review!


	8. The Dancing HouseElf

**Annoying Snape**

**The List:**

_Dear Hermione,_

_If you follow this list to the dime you will win. Believe us when we tell you that you will succeed. No one can resist when a girl does some of these things. Now the first half is ways to annoy him and the second half is ways to seduce him/annoy him._

_Love,_

_Gred and Forge._

**The List:**

**1. Bat your eye lashes at him for hours. **

**2. Stare at him as if in awe. **

**3. Knit him things.**

**4. Have Dobby send him cheese platters spelling out, "Snape Rocks my Socks!" to his room every night until he speaks to you about it.**

**5. Keep a Good-Behavior Chart. Award him gold stars whenever he is fair, and big red X's whenever he is unfair. Hand them into him weekly. Then discuss what he could do to get more gold stars.**

**6. Suggest he take up yoga to relieve all that pent up anger. **

**7. Suggest a meeting with his right hand.**

**8. Tell him to stop repressing his anger. Buy him a stress ball and draw Harry's glasses on them. Tell him to give a good squeeze instead of a detention.**

**9. Write a potions theme song. Begin to sing it every time you enter the room. Make sure you get people to sing along with you. **

**10. Give him a teddy bear. Cry when he throws it away.**

**11. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him. **

**12. Cuddle him. **

**13. In detention, bring a book and tell him that he must simply read it. Make sure it's something crazy. I.e., Cinderella, The Ugly Duckling, etc.**

**14. Try and psychoanalyze him during a detention. Tell him that he is mildly depressed. **

**15. Tell him you see so many similarities between himself and Harry that it's almost as if they were related. Did he and Lily ever…you know? When he gets angry or flustered ask him if he's a virgin. Smile and say that it's ok and waiting thirty-seven years is a sure fire way to woo a woman.**

**16. Give him a plant. Cry when he neglects it and it dies. **

**17. Call him Sevvie-poo. **

**18. If angered, and he happens to come up to only you, (make sure you whisper so only HE can hear! Very important!) tell him that if he still feels tense after class you can help him unwind…raise eyebrows suggestively. **

**19. After every instruction give him a small salute. **

**20. When walking by him, mutter, "My, my. Aren't we looking menacing today!" Then cluck your tongue or wave a finger disapprovingly. **

**21. After a meal walk up to him and tell him that he has something on his cheek. Lick your finger and wipe it off. Then, pinch his cheek and walk away matter-of-factly. **

**22. Smile during class.**

**23. Encourage him to think happy thoughts.**

**24. Make him write a journal. Get really angry when he doesn't comply.**

**25. Tell him that the whole, "Hey look I'm a scary teacher who used to kill people but turned good but still scare the shit out of students" bit is getting pretty old. Suggest he take up a hobby. Suggest really un-Snape like things. Such as, knitting, ceramics, Quidditch, gardening. **

**Annoying Snape:**

**Using The List**

I glanced at the list and gave a wild giggle. Although I didn't really look at the seduction list, I was saving that as plan P, I really like the annoying part. Hehe. I am ready to put my plan into action. From now on I will document my success by detentions and class periods. Only then will I know if I win…

**Detention 1:**

I walked into the detention firm and ready. Snape was still reading when I stalked in. He looked up, rolled his eyes, and went back to reading. Smug bastard.

"Snape?" I asked cautiously. No way in a fiery hell was I going to get yelled at unless needed.

"Yes Miss Granger? What on earth could I possibly help you with now?" Snape asked sarcastically.

"I bought you something," I said reaching into my cloak.

"Oh tissues? Have you been talking to Harry and hearing all the horrible things to happen during my childhood, only to throw them back into my face now?" Snape bellowed. I stood still.

"N-no. It's a fichus," I said my bottom lip quivering. I have never been yelled at that like that.

"Well I don't want it," Snape snapped almost immediately.

"Alright," I said feeling myself begin to cry. Snape looked up at me horrified.

"Oh for the love of Merlin give me the fucking plant," Snape said looking upset. He grabbed it from me and slammed it down on his desk so hard some of the soil spilled out of it. I gasped looking upset and told him to apologize.

"You have lost your mind if you think I am going to apologize to a plant-," Snape started in a furious whisper.

" At least introduce yourself you rude biddy! His name is Hoover and he lives in a fairly warm climate of seventy-two degrees. If it gets too hot he will die and I will be vewy, vewy sad! Hoover, this is Severus Snape. Grumpiest man alive. You two will get along like kindling into a fire. Or peanut butter and jelly. Or moose and squirrel," I explained almost giggling as Snape looked angry again.

"Sit down, shut up, don't speak," Snape said pointing to a seat in the far corner. I only nodded and went into my seat. "Arrange my cupboards," Snape said without looking up.

"Have you ever thought of yoga?" I called from the closet.

"Miss Granger I meant NO speaking. Shut up," Snape roared. I kept quiet. I was going to have to wait until he calmed down and then bring it up again.

Three minutes later I walked out of the cupboard. Nothing was out of place really. Another example of what an anal retentive bastard Snape is. Well not all the time. Sometimes he loosens up and let's me give him a blow job. But I really don't see that happening anymore.

"DONE," I sang in a loud off key voice. He looked up annoyed and aggravated.

"Fine sit down then," he said angrily.

I saluted him and got a very sour look. Ok that's it for tonight. I don't want to use everything on him. This isn't a one hour program. This took like weeks to plan and I already broke over a hundred rules. Plus I'm sleepy. I want some sleep.

I felt a sharp poke in my head. I growled and saw a quill poking me in the head. There wasn't anyone in the room. I was guessing it was later.

HOLY MACARONI BATMAN! It's two-thirty in the morning! I need to get into my dorm. What as ass. He didn't even wake me up. For all he knows I died.

I scrambled into bed and fell fast asleep. Little did I know I would wake up with a shocking discovery.

**Annoying Snape**

**He gets his revenge…AGAIN! (folds arms angrily and pouts)**

When I woke up, my entire dorm was empty, I hand gotten dressed, and I missed breakfast. I was going to be late to class! I am not late. I'll probably be early with everything. My period has already started coming earlier.

Speaking of periods, last week me and Ginny were walking down the hall and Malfoy threw tampons at me. I just smiled and picked them up.

Ginny said, "Why do you do that? Just tell them off! Make them stop or something. You are the most clever witch at Hogwarts! Surely there's something you can do!"

I merely smiled at her. "I told Malfoy I moved my period, this way I don't even have to buy tampons or use the school ones. Wicked cheap. For an entire week I get them thrown at me. There the nice ones too! I am honestly getting the better deal…," I said patting her arm.

So I'm running through the halls ducking as Malfoy aims one for my head. He looks at me and bursts into laughter. That man is so fucking weird. Not even like Dumbledore weird. The other not so nice weird. Creepy weird.

I just rolled my eyes and ducked into Potions. I slid into my seat just as the bell rang.

"Whew," I said smiling at Ron and Harry who were staring at my forehead. They were biting back laughs.

"Wha-?" Ron began but was laughing too hard to speak.

"What? Malfoy did the same thing! What's wrong?" I demanded worriedly.

Harry just pointed at my head and giggled again. Just as I was about to yell again Snape entered. He took a look at my face and almost snorted. I swear. The entire class took an actual step, or lean, back.

"Miss Granger I would suggest you go to a restroom and wipe off your face," Snape said. He didn't sound angry, however very pleased. I hesitated then hopped up and quickly ran from the room. My hand was firmly clamped over my forehead as I rushed to the nearest bathroom.

Once inside I ran to a mirror and stood frozen. There dancing, DANCING, on my forehead was a large house elf. A drawing of a house-elf. It was green and dancing all over my forehead. I saw a tiny scrawl and leaned in. 'That's what you get,' was written in an all too familiar scrawl. I stood rooted to the spot before letting out a loud piercing scream. I yelled all my frustration away and stamped on the ground.

I can not believe Snape put this on my face! He knew I wouldn't realize it before class. That's why he didn't wake me up!

The house-elf did what looked like the Macarena as I furiously tried to scrub it off. This is not happening. It's not coming off. Suddenly another little message was being written on my head.

'Haha!' it read. I stared at it for a moment before screaming again. This time even louder and more violent. I tried my wand and managed to make it fade away. Then I scrubbed for about thirty minutes, until I got down to my eighth layer of skin, and managed to get the drawing to be gone.

I was furious! He humiliated me! I never did anything this bad!

Well the stakes have just gone up considerably higher. So high in fact you need a ladder just to catch a glimpse at the top. That high. I am so not holding back anymore.

I slipped back into class and sat next to Harry and Ron. They were still giggling so I accidentally/on purpose knocked their heads together. Very common mishap. They let outs yelps of pain and stooped laughing immediately. Snape just gave me one very pointed smirk and turned his back on me. Everyone was still muttering and whispering about it by the time the bell rang.


	9. The Spitting Hat

**Annoying Snape**

**Pissed Off, PMSing, and Armed**

First of all I have not EVER publicly embarrassed Snape! The fact that he did gets me so angry that I freak out I mean never in my entire existence did I think he would do something like that to me! I am lost for words…wait no I'm not.

"I hate him! I am going to make him regret the day he ever did that to me!" I screamed in my room. Ginny was watching me from the bed with a shocked look on her face.

"What did he do?" she asked sounding cautious.

"He put a dancing elf on my face!" I bellowed. There was a pause and Ginny giggled.

I glared angrily at her and flopped onto the bed in anger. I mean what the hell was I thinking by being all polite and stuff? I should have just set my nice, calm demeanor aside and do something so totally outrageous that it shocks him!

I just realized that I have the list sitting in my trunk. I have hidden it because all I need is for someone to find it and start to read it then say something to me or worse, Snape. He would flip out and think I was doing this as a game.

Well let's see…what can I do today? Alright I know one.

"I have to go to detention…I'll be back hopefully with good news," I said sighing and secretly smiled to myself. I rushed to the dungeons and knocked on the door once.

"Enter," Snape called. I rolled my eyes. He knows who it is why doesn't he just invite me in more politely.

"Good evening sir," I said charmingly. Snape rolled his eyes and pointed to the desk in front of him. I sat down and began to write lines or whatever.

After twenty minutes of silence I was trying to remember the thing from the list. Oh right!

"Hey so are you going to go for it?" I asked in a nonchalant voice.

"Excuse me?" Snape asked angrily.

"Someone told me that Malfoy has a crush on you. Didn't you know?" I asked in shock. "Everyone is talking about it! He has been trying to get your attention for weeks now! Like he purposely made faces at me thinking you would yell at him but instead I got in trouble. He was so angry at me because I had agreed to help him! So, because I am such a good friend, I offered to talk to you about it. Do you see a future with Draco Malfoy?" I asked trying not to laugh at the look on Snape's face. He seemed disgusted, confused, and weirded out.

"Get back to work," Snape croaked still looking like he was going to be sick. I made sure I used specific examples for things that could possibly be meant as a cry for attention. I knew they weren't but whatever.

"Also Snape I don't mean to be a bother," I said ignoring the way Snape rolled his eyes. "But this week wasn't your best."

"I beg your pardon?" Snape asked now sounding furious.

"See you yelled at a Hufflepuff in the hall for no reason so I had to give you an X. But then you picked up a paper for some Ravenclaw so I gave you a star. But then you took fifteen points from my house for nothing so I had to give you another X. Also you lock yourself in your room as soon as you can, so I had to give you another X," I explained taking out my good-behavior chart. I handed it to him and he stared at it for a moment. Then he crumpled it up and threw it away.

"Hey!" I cried hopping up and running to the garbage. I pulled it out and then saw something else that made my heart stop. "HOOVER!" I cried and began to pull him out of the trash. "You killed Hoover!" I began to sob uncontrollably for a minute. Snape stared at me like he was afraid I was going to lunge at him.

After a minute I calmed down enough to speak.

"How could you?" I asked and began to sob again. Really I was laughing into my hands but it sounded like I was crying and the fact that tears had come into my eyes only seemed to help. "I trusted you!"

Snape was still looking at me in shock. I ran to my desk and flopped down on the chair my entire body still shaking in what looked like sobs but was really hysterical laughter. After another moment I calmed down to see Snape still watching me. He seemed to think I have gone insane.

"I think that Snape needs to talk through some of his feelings," I said in a baby voice. Snape stared at me for a moment.

"Get to work before I deduct fifty points for your uncontrollable outbursts," Snape roared and I went silent. A minute late I was lighting candles and humming in a loud way.

"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?" Snape bellowed when I climbed on his desk and sat cross legged.

"This is yoga! Try it," I invited him over and he took fifty points from my house. I sat down blushing slightly and

Another twenty minutes passed in peace and I looked up at him again. He was writing something down on a piece of parchment.

"You know who you remind me of?" I asked suddenly.

Snape threw down his quill in uncontrollable anger. He turned to me breathing deeply obviously trying to stay calm, although it wasn't working because he was shaking.

"Harry," I replied and he gaped at me. "Did you and Lily ever…you know?"

"Miss Granger I never in all my-" Snape began looking so angry and embarrassed it was amusing.

"Oh are you a virgin?" I asked and he spluttered again.

"What did you just ask me?" Snape roared.

"It's ok!" I cried getting up and going over to him and patting him slightly on the arm. He pushed my hand away in fury. "Some women like thirty-seven year old virgins! Not many but you find a few here and there!"

"GET OUT!" Snape bellowed and I jumped.

"Yes sir!" I cried and ran from the room giggling furiously.

**Annoying Snape**

**The Delivery and Score One For Hermi**

The next morning at breakfast I was sitting waiting for the mail to begin to drop everything off.

"How can you be sure he'll even open it?" Ginny asked watching the sky also.

"It doesn't matter. It'll be magically shoved on him anyways," I said in a low voice as Ron and Harry looked at us. I turned to them and gave them a small smile. They instantly looked down and I rolled my eyes. They kept acting weird ever since I knocked their heads together.

"When will it be placed on him?" Ginny muttered.

"Not now because I am not as mean as he is. But as soon as he goes back into his room, it'll try and go onto his head. The more he struggles with it, the more it'll want to go onto it. I say by the time we go into Potions it should be placed merrily on his head," I whispered excitedly.

All through breakfast Snape kept glancing at Malfoy and then shuddering or shaking his head or something like that. It is really so funny because Malfoy will look up at Snape because I told Malfoy that Snape wanted him to watch him. Malfoy had just shrugged at my explanation and didn't question me. He didn't think I would EVER lie about a teacher.

So Malfoy keeps looking at Snape and Snape keeps looking at Malfoy and their eyes meet and I told Malfoy that the code would be to wink every time they meet eyes. Or lick his lips or something like that. Malfoy had thought it was weird but agreed to do it just the same.

I kept giggling wildly because Malfoy had just made the kissy face I told him to make and I thought Snape was going to choke on his eggs the way he began hacking up at the table. Flitwick and McGonagall keep patting his back hard to get him to stop choking…Oh no he's better now. He just snapped at Flitwick who smiled and went back to his own breakfast.

"Mail," Ron commented and I looked up in excitement.

Ok so I saw this advertisement for hats and shirts and whatever where you tell them what you want to put on the hat and they will. So I chose to do "Potions or Bust' and glitter will burst from the top. Did I mention it's neon pink with purple writing? It is magically instructed to go onto his head as soon as he goes into his rooms. Then he can not get it off for twenty-four hours. Even if he doesn't take it with him, it'll just follow him out of the hall.

A big brown owl fell in front of Snape. He stared at it for a moment before reluctantly grabbing the parcel that the owl held. He looked at me questioningly and I just smiled sweetly. Now he knows something is up because he carefully undid the strings and let the brown paper fall onto the table. He opened the box top and peered inside the box.

A look of annoyance and outrage came over his face as he saw what was inside it. He snapped the box shut and pushed it away from him. Flitwick leaned over and asked him something and I watched as Snape shook his a few times and then glared at me. I just shrugged and went back to my breakfast.

Snape got up and began to walk from the table and the package followed him. I snorted into my juice as I saw him turn slightly to it. He took another few steps and turned back to it. Then with another angry glare at me he snatched it from the air and swept from the Hall.

Twenty minutes later we began to file into the dungeons and I kept glancing at the door in excitement. I could not wait to see Snape walk into the room wearing the hat. The door banged open and Snape walked in wearing the hat. Everyone stared at him in horror. No one wanted to laugh but they knew that it wasn't going to be an option. The hat lit up and spit glitter onto the people in the front row.

"Anyone who so much as looks at me funny will have one hundred points deducted from his or her house and will be in a detention with Filch every night from now until June!" Snape barked. "The ingredients are on the board get going!"

Everyone got to work and Snape sat down in the seat moodily. I kept giggling and then having to think of something really sad to stop the tears. Ron's face was all red from suppressed laughter and Harry's shoulders were shaking wildly.

The hat was sitting on top of his head and came down just above his eyes. Every once in a while it would squeak, "Potions Rule!" and spit glitter. That is when everyone begins to bit their lips and duck under the table.

I could feel Snape glaring at me with such anger I was sure the Death Eater in him was telling him to just kill me.

The bell couldn't ring fast enough as we all packed up and ran from the room. I was almost at the door when Snape called me.

"Miss Granger? A moment please," Snape snarled and I stopped and slowly made my way back to his desk. He had his fists clenched on the desk in anger and his breathing was labored.

"You wanted to see me?" I asked innocently.

"Let's cut the crap shall we? Get this fucking hat off of my head before I really make your life hell," Snape said in a dangerous whisper. I stared at him for a moment.

"Are you ALLOWED to talk to students like that?" I asked in a reproachable voice. Snape glared at me again.

"I'm warning you," Snape hissed. I sighed.

"It stays on for twenty-four hours," I said in a low voice because despite myself I felt a swoop of fear.

"Twenty-four-" Snape said in a voice of absolute anger and shock. "Hours? I have to walk around with this on my head for an entire day?" Snape screamed and stood up.

"You could skip or something," I whispered and Snape came around the desk.

"Get out of my sight!" Snape bellowed and I ran from the room as fast as my legs could take me.

Hah! I am even with him. Although now I am pretty sure Snape is going to attempt to get me back. I need to rethink my master plan a bit…

A/N Please read and review. Sorry for the wait.


	10. Electric Blue

**Annoying Snape**

**Holy Mother of Everything Big, Bold, and Beautiful!**

I slowly crept back to the Common Room after being chased out of talking to Snape. You know with the hat plucked onto his head he looks much younger…and gay. See I thought he would like it or something…Alright I am so lying but Snape put an elf on my head! If I took that abuse then I would not only be a wimp, but a wimp with an elf on her face.

As I stalked into my private Common Room, Malfoy stopped me.

"Alright so is that all I have to do?" he asked shortly while plucking his face away from some poor third year. I rolled my eyes and then smirked.

"Actually…no you won't want to do it. It might be too dangerous…I should get Harry or Ron to do it," I said sighing and turned to leave again.

"No! I'll do it!" Malfoy said quickly. Sometimes I feel bad about doing this, but Malfoy will do something like: "C'mon Mudblood I don't have all day. Unlike you I have a life."

And then I don't feel any sympathy. Poof…it goes away like a headache.

"Well see here is the risky part," I said lowering my voice so he leaned in. "You have to hug him…then give his tush a good squeeze. Remember Harry and Ron would be willing to do this…"

Malfoy looked at me strangely. "I'll do it. You tell Potter to save the tush squeezing for Weasley," he said smirking. "See I am much smarter and braver than the two of them."

I walked away and rolled my eyes. Malfoy hasn't even questioned the fact that I might be lying? Hello has anyone ever heard of a code with a teacher where you grab their ass? No. Now why is that? Because it is WRONG! Ok wrong with a capital W.

I stalked into the regular room to see Ron and Harry giggling in the corner. As soon as I got close enough they turned to me and grabbed me into a seat.

"How did you do it?" Ron asked in awe. I looked at them like I had no idea what they could possibly be talking about.

"Do what?" I asked plucking a piece of what I was hoping was lint off of my robes.

"That hat," Harry said impatiently.

"My dear boy I have no idea what you're talking about," I said sadly and Ginny walked in looking harassed and close to tears.

"Well that was hands down the worst potions class in Hogwarts history," she said tossing her bag onto the floor. I was just about to open my mouth to tell her exactly when the worst potions class in Hogwarts history was when Ron stopped me.

"Why?" he asked giving me a look.

"Snape was…evil," she said still sounding scared. "I mean this Snape would have made the other Snape cry…like a baby."

I bit my lip. "Was it because of the hat?" I asked once Ron and Harry began to talk about who could have sent that hat. Seriously am I that good of a liar? Or do people really think I wouldn't lie? I mean I lie all the time. Half the time Ginny looks like a cheap whore but I tell her she looks wonderful. It's polite.

Ginny rolled her eyes at me. "What else could piss him off?"

I shrugged and nervously tugged at my hair. "Should I not have sent it?"

"No! He put an elf on your face…that was wrong. I think after today though I would be on the look out," Ginny said seriously and I nodded once. He was not going to be a happy camper. But really when is anyone a happy camper? I went camping once and it was horrible. Did you know that there are these…BUGS that bite you? They are so annoying! Plus it's hot and you sleep on the ground. Really that was like torture or something close to it. I would take Snape's wrath naked rather than go camping ever again.

"Are you even listening to me?" Ginny snapped waving her hand in front of my face. I snapped to attention and put on a smile.

"Of course I was," I said patting her hand.

"Repeat what I just said," she said with narrow eyes. Well if she is going to ask me then I don't know. I hesitated trying to think of something I heard.

"Did I tell you your hair looks AMAZING?" I asked. She paused.

"You didn't listen did you?"

"No," I said guiltily. "Tell me again. I'll listen now."

"It's gone forever," she said dramatically. I rolled my eyes and she still refused to tell me. Seriously sometimes I could kill her. And then I don't because then I would be forced to talk to Ron and Harry about Quidditch and some stupid spin move that you do in the air.

She giggled wildly and opened her book to do homework. Something was up.

"What is the matter with you?" I asked quickly touching her hand firmly. She looked up at me and smiled.

"Can't I just do my homework? You know some of us Weasley's care about our homework," she said irritably as Ron lit his Charms essay on fire so he and Harry could toast their Potions essays. She turned back to me somewhat defeated. "Not many…but most."

I just nodded still looking at Harry and Ron. That reminded me…I have a detention tonight. He's going to kill me. I just know it…He'll spill a potion onto me and I'll shrivel and die. Or worse my original teeth will come back. Holy Mother of Everything Big, Bold, Beautiful he's going to make sure I never answer another question again!

"Mione are you ok? You look kinda sick," Ginny said snapping me out of worry-warting. I felt sick.

"I'm fine," I said weakly and placed my fingers over my mouth.

**Annoying Snape**

**Lesson Learned: Snape No Likey Hats…**

I knocked on the door and he opened it looking very scary. For one the hat was still on his head and he look wicked scary…all mean and whatever.

"Hello sir," I said cautiously. He just stepped aside and I almost turned around and ran away.

"Good evening Miss Granger. Please take a seat," Snape said almost friendly. That was when I should have gotten my hint and RAN THE FUCK AWAY!

But oh no! I stayed…Why? I don't know. Something in the back of my brain was telling me that this wasn't safe. He should be hexing you or killing you.

I took a seat alright. I made sure that if he lunged at me I would have a clear path to the door. I also had my wand clutched tightly in my hand. I felt as if he was going to kill me or something. I wonder what would happen if he did? Harry and Ron would surely fail…Hannah Abbott would most likely become Head Girl. All my books would be thrown away…or worse….placed in the library. Oh all those gross hands touching them and not even really respecting them…I am such a nut job.

"Drink?" Snape asked casually. These really are my last minutes on earth. I should probably make out a will or something.

"Uh…no," I said faltering under the look he was giving me. It seemed like he thought he was going to be enjoying himself or something. He slammed a drink on my desk and I looked at it carefully. Nothing floating in it…nothing smelling like death.

"Vodka," Snape answered my question. I just nodded mutely. I was so frigging scared…any minute he was going to attack me or something. Remember words are only letter placed together and said with a certain amount of scorn and people only scorn you when they're jealous. Or just really mean…which is what Snape is. The hat spit glitter at me and I watched it fearfully because Snape's smile widened and I was beginning to get afraid.

"So…how's the potions world?" I asked lamely.

"Fine, fine," Snape answered like he was talking to a friend.

"Good…" I said and nervously cleared my throat. "So what do you want me to do? Scrub cauldrons? Replace the frog eyes? Hang myself in the backroom?"

"No," Snape said and just took a stack of papers and began to grade them. I just sat there and watched him and his silly pink hat.

An hour passed and I had shifted every which way trying to get him to look up or yell or something to let me know that he has FEELINGS! This is Snape. I should be one of those jars on the wall. Maybe that's where he puts his students! I was going to be in a jar! Oh help me!

"Miss Granger?"

"AHHHHHH!" I screamed and leaped up quickly and toppled over the chair and onto the floor. I picked myself up and managed to get some, if not all, of my dignity back.

"Are you alright?" Snape asked and I almost laughed at his head. Alright he is wearing a pink hat and he is asking me if I'm alright? Hypocrite.

"Fine," I lied and tried to regain some sense of control.

"Good then leave," Snape said waving his hand grandly at the door. I stared at him for a moment to see if he was kidding or if he was going to stab me in the back.

"What?" I asked stupidly.

"Must I repeat myself?" he asked in expaseration. "Fine please get the fuck out of my dungeon. There happy?"

"Very," I said dryly and looked at him suspiciously.

"Leave!" Snape bellowed. I hesitated then turned around a few times trying to see if he put something on my back or whatever. Nothing.

"Why?" I asked suspiciously. He rolled his eyes and took my roughly by the arm and THREW me out of his room. All he had to do was ask!

I tumbled into the hallway and stood up quickly and he slammed the door. Something is so up because he would not just send me away like that unless I was dying. Or he was going to kill me.

**Annoying Snape**

**Snape's Electric Revenge:**

"So what did he make you do?" she asked in a low voice.

"Nothing," I replied and she reacted like I had hoped.

"Nothing?" she asked like I was lying.

"Nothing, nadda, zilch, zip," I said nodding at her bemused expression. She frowned as we made our way to the Great Hall. No one was in yet but a letter was sitting for me from my mother.

"So are you on the look out or something?" she asked and I rolled my eyes.

"I'm not stupid," I said and undid the seal from my letter.

BAM! I was enveloped in electric blue smoke. I coughed and swatted it away trying to see what the hell happened. Finally it cleared and Ginny gaped at me.

"What?" I asked as she pointed at me head. I felt a crunch of panic and rustled into my bag where I had a small pocket mirror. I adjusted it and looked at my hair.

"OH MY GOD!" I screamed and covered my head. My hair was electric fucking blue! Not just any blue but that shocking, look at that, blue!

I felt my cheeks flame up heard the bell ring again for breakfast. I was thinking fast because people would be here in a matter of seconds…

"Here," Ginny hissed and tangled my hair into a bun and then shoved it under a giant flowered hat she had transfigured from a fruit bowl. We both hopped up and passed Malfoy on the way out.

"When does he want the code?" Malfoy asked quickly.

"Potions later," I managed to hiss and sped out of the room and ran all the way back to the tower.

"I am going to the see Madam Pomfrey and see what it would take to get a charmed hair color out of your hair. You just get back into the dorm…and stay there!" Ginny said firmly and gave my head one last glance before speeding down the opposite hallway. I hesitated and then made the last few steps and then I saw the portrait.

"Dear, dear! Now this is why we don't try and dye our hair ourselves," Snape said in a low, teasing voice. I fumed and turned back to him.

"Very funny. Alright you got me back!" I said throwing my hands into the air. "Must be THE top story in the teacher's lounge," I snarled.

"Ah that it is," Snape said and looked to be enjoying himself. "Now I expect you in my class and if you do not show up I will take a hundred points from your house." I opened my mouth to object and he pressed on. "There is no where in all one thousand pages of Hogwarts A History that says students who dye their hair are allowed to stay out of a class. Excused abscenses are given to those like Potter who can't seem to keep himself straight on a broom. Now please excuse me, I'm late for breakfast."

He gave me one last smirk and walked down the hall.

It's settled…I was going to KILL that man.

**Annoying Snape**

**Humiliation and a Nice Tush Squeeze**

I slowly walked into potions and took my usual seat without attracting any notice from my head. Ron and Harry smiled at me and noticed my hat.

"What's with the hat?" Harry asked fingering a felt daisy.

"Nothing! Stop touching it," I snapped quickly.

"Sorry," Harry said putting his hands up in defense.

"No it's alright…I'm just jumpy," I muttered feeling horrible now. I am such a bitch lately. Mostly because I'm always on edge and whatever. Well anyone would be afraid! Especially if they thought their hair was going to turn blue. Of course I was sure I was going to be one of those jars…

"Miss Granger please remove the hat," Snape said and I looked at him my mouth dropping open. Everyone turned to me and he was still smirking.

"Um…what?" I asked like Lavender.

"Remove your hat, they are not allowed in my class," Snape said looking innocent.

"You wore one yesterday," I retorted to gasps around the class. Snape looked so angry I almost took it back despite all I have been through to get my revenge.

"Fine," he said finally. "Accio hat!"

I felt it fall off then everyone looked at me and burst into laughter. I would have cried had I not been so angry. I turned to Malfoy and told him to do the code when no one else was watching them.

Twenty minutes later people stopped laughing at my blue hair which I guess was good because nine minutes after that, Malfoy slid out of his seat as Snape was bent over yelling at Neville. Malfoy walked by and gave Snape's butt a good pinch.

Snape yelped and turned around quickly.

"Mr. Malfoy!" Snape bellowed and Malfoy just made a kissy face and sat back down. I was rolling in my seat as was Ron and Harry who had no clue what the hell had just happened. I think it might be funnier if they didn't know. "Twenty points from Slytherin!"

Everyone turned to see if Snape had gone mad…or turned into McGonagall or something to that effect which really didn't matter.

Snape caught my eye and glared angrily at me. I just pointed at Malfoy and then back at Snape and kept making hearts with my hands. He finally stomped away, probably to go fear my wrath! He totally should. I may not look it but I can be a bitch. Unfortunately for Snape, and Malfoy, they were going to feel the brunt of it. No one will ever forget the name Hermione Granger. I will make sure of it!

The bell rang and I went up to Snape's desk. "Give me my hat."

"Don't take that tone with me," Snape snarled and thrust it into my hand.

"You know he isn't lying…he really loves you," I said seriously, then I sighed and flounced from the room trying to stifle the giggles that were being emitted from me. Snape's face was sooo funny.

"Granger I don't think it's working!" Malfoy hissed into my ear. I turned to him and must have looked like I didn't know what was going on because he rolled his eyes and continued. "He just took twenty points from the house!"

"I know! Listen he has given a list of tasks to everyone he thought…willing to do the tasks. He is awarding 500 points to the person who completes the tasks I give them. McGonagall has one herself as does Sprout and Flitwick. Listen if you can't do it then tell me and-"

"I can do it! What's the next bloody thing?" Malfoy snapped looking at me intently.

"You have to propose in front of the entire school…And you must call him Sevvie-poo," I said making it sound like it was tough. I wouldn't bloody do it. "Also tell him how much you love him and can't live without him."

Malfoy stared at me for a moment. "Seriously?"

"Oh yes! This is for only serious competitors!" I exclaimed.

"Maybe I'll ask him-"

"DON'T!"

"Why not?" Malfoy asked suspiciously.

"Because you'll be disqualified," I said looking sad about it. My lord if Malfoy said anything to Snape! "Imagine Snape telling your father that you couldn't…complete a simple task that even a little, slimy mudblood like myself could do!"

Malfoy glared at me wide-eyed. "You're doing it?"

"And Harry and Ron," I said and then had a burst of inspiration. "And Neville."

"Longbottom?" Malfoy asked incredulously.

"Yes," I said almost smirking.

"Fine I'll do it!" Malfoy snarled and stomped away from them.

"Remember you tell anyone and you'll lose!" I called down the hall. He just waved behind his back.

"Lose what?" a silky voice called from behind me. I was so afraid he had heard so I turned around with my most winning smile. Snape was looking at me with innocent curiosity that any fool could see through.

I hesitated. "Weight."

"Weight?" Snape asked nodding and I could tell that he didn't believe me. "Tell what?"

"I cant! I'll lose weight!" I said smiling. Then I turned and rushed down the hall, my blue hair bouncing all over the place. This better ruddy well come off! Or Snape was DEAD!

A/N Please read and review.


	11. The Big V

**Annoying Snape**

**Blue Hair Is Not Easy To Get Out. **

"Is it coming out?" Ginny asked timidly from behind the curtain. I just snarled and continued to wash it off with some silly potion Madam Pomfrey gave Ginny. Needless to say, although I will, it isn't working like I would hope. It's all goopy and gross in my hands and then despite that, it doesn't even work! So I am leaning over the basin trying with all my might to get this dye out.

"Ginny it isn't coming out!" I screamed in a real frightened voice. I mean it if this hair is stuck on my head for the rest of my life I am not holding back with Snape…I'll kill him. Or something worse (he can't feel my pain if he's dead. And then he wouldn't fear it anymore because he'd be dead.)

Ginny walked into the bathroom and glared at my head as though it were personally responsible for what had happened. As she took a strand of it and examined it carefully, I looked at my reflection. To say that I looked horrid was an understatement. I looked absolutely ridiculous with this hair, and it doesn't even go with my complexion.

"Oh I don't believe it," Ginny hissed in an angry voice. I turned to her quickly and nearly twisted my ankle on my other ankle.

"What is it?" I asked touching the damp locks.

"Fred and George," Ginny snarled and dropped the hair in anger. I really don't know what to say about that. Is it a statement or a question or an accusation?

"Your brothers," I offered and she didn't answer. "Twins. Red-hair. Prankers."

"Shut up!" Ginny yelled in frustration. I frowned sadly and she gaped at my shockingly blue head. "It's their product! I would know this hair anywhere!"

I gaped at her angrily. "They gave Snape this product? How could they? I trusted them and all that other crap. This is such a low blow! Oh I'm going to kill them! Look at me I can't even think straight!" I bellowed. It was true my breathe was all gaspy and my cheeks were flushed with anger, and my hair was still blue.

"We'll write to them right now. I'll see if they can get it out of your hair…If not you'll have to ask Snape or something. I don't really want to do that but…It's always a last resort," Ginny said shrugging weakly. I just waved for her to go and she left me alone with my ugly hair and an even uglier look on my face.

If Fred and George has purposely sold him this then I am going to tell their mother. Yeah I said it! I will tell their mother everything bad thing they have ever done and are still doing. To tell me not to tell anyone and then turn around and tell Snape himself! I am so angry my thoughts are coming in short little spurts of anger and whatever. Just to be kicked in the ass by people you trust is such an annoyance. Especially when you have to go an kill them for what they did…

"Alright we should get an owl back very soon," Ginny commented out of breathe. She was all flushed and I felt a sting of admiration. She must have run all the way to owlry.

"Oh thank you! You must have run all the way," I said patting her arm.

"What? Oh no I used Hedwig and then me and Harry made out for a minute," Ginny said and I pinched her arm unconsciously. What I really wanted to do was hit her. I have never met anyone so involved in their own lives more than other people.

"…and I really don't know what to do. What do you think?" Ginny asked and I snapped to attention.

"Huh?" I asked dully. Like I care!

"Should I?" Ginny asked again looking angry. I paused and then thought about all the possibilities from me saying yes. She could join the circus, become a Death Eater, have a sex change… "Hermione!"

"Yes. I think you should," I said and tried not to think of Ginny as a guy. All though that would be really funny and amusing. It might even get my mind off of this stupid prank war I have started. Maybe Ginny would want to be called Gary from now on?

"Alright then I'll do it," Ginny said still looking nervous and then I knew it was the sex change.

"Oh Ginny I'm sure it will only hurt for a moment and then you will feel so much better," I said consolingly. "You'll get along better with Harry if you do it. It might even make you a better Quidditch player."

Ginny stared at me for a moment and smiled brilliantly. "Alright then I'll sleep with Harry. Thanks for your advice."

Fuck.

**Annoying Snape**

**Yelling At The Ass's Who Gave Snape His Second Revenge**

Alright so they say that Malfoy was the one who went in and bought it and that Snape didn't tell him what it was for. Can you believe that man? That is do rude! For all the low things he has ever done to me this has to be the worst. I mean I am totally fake helping Malfoy out and he goes behind my back and purposefully pranks me when he thinks I'm doing him a favor.

I totally send out props to Snape for thinking it up though. Fred and George even got it out of my hair with minimal pain and hair loss.

"You two are so stupid!" I bellowed angrily one day at their flat after getting special permission to go. They just rolled their eyes and placed another hot roller in my hair. I winced as it seared my little ears but didn't say anything else. I think that last one was purposeful. They unrolled it and the color has been evaporated into the roller which they throw out.

"We said we're sorry!" Fred snapped bitterly and rolled another piece of my hair into a tight curl. "Malfoy came in with a scrap of paper, made some choice rude comments, and purchased something. We didn't know who it was for, our guess was Harry." George smirked and rolled another strand of my hair tightly onto my head.

"Why didn't you kick him out?" I snarled as a drop of the dye rolled down my nose.

"This hair color is bloody expensive!" George said and handed me a tissue from the bedside table. I snatched it from him and wiped my nose harshly. "Plus it always works out alright. Someone plays the joke, someone comes in looking for the rollers, we make muchos muchos dollars."

"Spanish doesn't suit you," I barked as another roller was added to my head. Theses idiotic rollers weighed around five pounds a piece and with twenty of them rolled up onto my head I was feeling my skull crush in.

"Hey I hate to break up this Pity Party but we got what you were looking for," Fred mentioned as another curl came undone and was my usual brown.

"Oh good!" I cried and accepted the package with a large purple V on the front. I smirked to myself and tried not to show how much I wanted to jump around in a personal dance.

"What is that anyway? We went into that muggle shop and got it like you asked and the chitty behind the counter kept giggling at us," George asked while rolling another strand of hair.

"Um…you know," I said vaguely and tried not to smile to much. Ginny frowned and took the package from my hands and, with a nod from me, undid the wrappings and took out the pamphlet. She read it, the astonished look becoming more and more plastered on her face. Also there with it was a huge, goofy smile that was slowly turning into a giggle.

"You two went in and got this?" Ginny asked the twins who nodded once and were slowly becoming suspicious after Ginny let out a giant snort of laughter. She tried to stifle it as the twins looked back at me and then at her.

She let out a giant shriek that made me snort in laughter as her entire body shook with laughter. The twins snatched the papers out of hand and each read the ones in their hands.

"THIS is what you wanted us to get you?" Fred roared in embarrassment and anger.

"THIS is why the girl was laughing so much?" George asked also flushing from embarrassment. He looked at the tiny little pill bottle and instantly put it down as though afraid it would instantly start. "I don't think you should do that to a man."

I stared at him openmouthed. "Well it isn't really your decision," I snapped regaining my voice, despite the weak wobble being emitted from it.

"Well at least take this," Fred snapped and handed me another potion that looked to be hand made. I stared at it and then back at them questioningly. "It'll…stop it," Fred said and looked like he blushed again.

I just took it from him and took out the last few rollers that were weighing my head down. I smiled at my reflection and was about to leave when the twins stopped me.

"That'll be four galleons," George said sticking out his hand.

"Two for the rollers and another two for making us do that and not telling us exactly what we were doing," Fred explained to me also holding out his hand.

"I'm not paying you! You said you were helping me!" I yelled angrily.

"And we did! Now pay up," George snapped impatiently and waved his hand around.

"I don't have any money," I snarled checking my pockets and coming back dry. The twins studied me for a moment and I began to get worried. "You know what? Let me ask your mother if I can borrow any. See then I can tell her what exactly you've been helping me do. Then I'll tell her you were the ones who blew the attic to smithereens," I said fake sighing. The twins looked at me wide eyed for a moment.

"You have no proof," George hissed defiantly while I just sighed again and they turned to each other and muttered wildly between themselves.

"You could offer me the family discount and I will gladly pay you next time I see you," I said not wanting to just take their products without paying for them.

There was another pause. "Welcome to the family!" the twins cried together and wrapped me into a huge hug that nearly crushed me to death.

Ginny and I left the apartment and headed back to Hogsmede. She kept giggling and wondering what Snape's reaction was going to be when he drank that. I just shrugged although I was already forming the perfect plan in my head. No one, but him and I, would be the wiser. If I were to slip it in before the Teacher/Heads Meeting then he wouldn't be able to run away and take care of it. He would have to sit there all -

"Hard!" Ginny grumbled slamming her lip gloss around. The clear liquid inside was indeed frozen solid against the container. "So do you have any idea how you're going to get this into his drink?"

"Kind of…"

**Annoying Snape**

**Help From Dobby and Spiking Snape's Drink**

I slid quietly into the kitchens late last night and told Dobby to place this in Snape's drink right before the meeting so that he was already inside when the reactions start. Dobby hadn't asked any questions and gladly taken the package of crushed pills and placed them into a grubby little pocket. I looked into his giant eyes and instantly felt regret so I handed him a nice pair of wool socks I thought he would like.

The reaction in the entire room was so amazing it would have been funny had Harry or Ron been there. The other elves, after catching site of the socks, screamed and flung themselves into hiding. Other's simply cowered as I handed them to Dobby who burst into joyful tears and tried to kiss me. I gladly told him that I would love to but I really needed to go. He said he understood but maintained latched onto my leg for another moment.

I turned to go back and stopped. "Remember Dobby I was never here. You never received anything from me," I said and walked a few more steps and remembered something else. "But still if I did show up I would want to remind you to put the powder in BEFORE the meeting."

Then I left and ran back to my room before I could get caught out of bed. As I slipped into my sheets I couldn't help smiling with the thought of the meeting the following morning and how Snape would be all squirmy.

When my alarm rang the next morning, I jumped out of bed and dressed as quickly as I could, then I made my way down the cool halls until I reached the room of the meetings.

"Ah Miss Granger thank you so much for gracing us with your presence," Snape remarked coldly, sipping from his drink. I tried not to smirk and just sat down in a seat where I was close enough to see anything and far away enough not to be blamed.

Dumbledore stood up and began to meeting.

"Now we have Filch who would like to say a few words…so if you will," Dumbledore remarked and Filch sidled forward with another list of things not allowed. I noticed laughing was number two.

Next to me Snape shifted somewhat uncomfortably and coughed. I didn't turn to him but kept my hands in my lap as I sat next to him. He shifted again and I almost giggled uncontrollably as I saw the very beginnings of a tent making it's way through the thick robes. His face was strained and there was the very start of sweat sprouting up on his brow.

"Severus?" Dumbledore prodded a familiar twinkle in his eye. Snape turned to him, his entire body rigid with failing self control.

"Yah?" Snape asked looking as if he was trying very hard to stay calm. He sat up straighter and nearly made a gasp as my hand slid over his leg to retrieve my fallen quill.

"Sorry," I muttered and watched as he closed his eyes carefully.

"You wanted to come up here and make a point? I believe you asked me about it yesterday?" Dumbledore asked sounding somewhat amused. Snape shook his head violently and waved his hand dismissively.

"Now, now Severus don't be shy," McGonagall coaxed and Snape gave her a death glare that sent many first years into hysterics. However she, being used to it by now, merely sighed in impatience.

"I forget," Snape said in another incredibly strained voice. "It is of no importance anymore."

"Oh now I don't believe that," I said suddenly and the entire room turned to me. Snape had taken my wrist and pinched me really hard. I cried out in pain and rubbed it scowling. He just shrugged in a way that suggested he really didn't mind not voicing his concern.

"Really it's no big deal," Snape said shrugging and the entire room turned back to Dumbledore who just shrugged lightly.

"Alright then…" Dumbledore then let Madam Hooch stand up and talk about students who broke into her broom stash and made eleven of them do a conga dance.

"What did you do?" Snape hissed sounding panicked.

"I have no idea what you mean," I said shortly and pretended that Hooch's recount of the dance was the most interesting thing I had ever heard.

"You know damn well what I mean," Snape nearly said loud enough for someone else to hear. I just turned back and looked into his eyes. He looked angry and really frightened. But deep beneath those two emotions there was a bare want. It was like lust mixed with arousal and a dash of passion.

I almost faltered under his eyes before I shrugged again and he took my wrist in another vice grip. "Ow! Lay off!"

We silently fought the rest of the meeting in which Snape seemed to be slowly loosing control because his grip loosened and he had to keep shifting. Once I heard him let out a gasp and I knew something must of rubbed up against him for the reaction he had.

"Until next time," Dumbledore said cheerfully and everyone turned back to Snape and I. "Severus won't you be leaving? Usually you can't control your excitement when these meetings end."

Snape paused for a moment and then slowly lifted himself out of his seat as I did also. He grabbed me almost roughly and just placed me in front of him. I smirked at the feeling pressed into my back.

"Is that wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" I joked and he gripped my arm real hard. I winced and just walked with him through all the halls. He was getting really weird looks because he was nearly running with me pressed almost right into him.

We made our way to the dungeons and into his classroom. No one was in there and Snape shoved me aside and went to sit down at his desk.

"Can I go?" I asked stepping towards the door. Snape removed his wand from his pocket and the door closed with a hard slam. I stared at it fearfully.

"Alright I guess not," I said and placed my bag on the desk.

"I don't want to know what you did or where you got it! All I want is a way to make it stop," Snape hissed and sounded as though any words were strained.

I stared at him for a moment thinking about the potion that was snug in my breast pocket. I though about how easy it would be to hand it to him and let him know that I am a much better person then he ever will be. And then I think of all the evil things he's done.

"I think I know what you have to do to stop an…Well you know," I said and with a small wave I turned back to the door quickly. Just as I left I carefully left the potion on the table just in case he figured it out.

"I guess you win this round," Snape bellowed to my back and I almost smirked. Instead I just waved behind my back and went back to my rooms where I began to laugh uncontrollably for an hour.

A/N Please read and review.


	12. The Box

**Annoying Snape**

**Unoriginal Revenge**

"Have you seen Snape? He hasn't been out all day! Ginny just told me that he wasn't in her class last period," Ron said now sitting down to lunch. I felt myself smirk slightly at the thought of poor old Snape having to work seven pills out of his system. I figured one pill for every year he was mean to me. I was going to do a pill for every rude comment made to me, but I didn't have enough and the box said too much would kill him. I obviously don't want to kill him, just make him very aware that I do not take pranking lightly. No, I hit back hard. That hat was just a warm up, the pills were my fist lap, I can go on forever. Well until I run out of ideas and Snape wins.

"Hermione," Ginny whispered into my ear as she slid next to me. I turned to her and smiled, although I was really concerned something happened. Like Snape found the bottle, got un-horny, and was now looking for me. Which wouldn't be so bad. I mean he could be all angry, hold me down, and- "Are you even listening to me?" Ginny snarled.

"Of course I am!" I snapped defiantly. I was trying to push the image that had just come into my mind, firmly out. It was as stubborn as I was and kept popping back up, each time getting more graphic and explicit.

"Well if you listened to me," Ginny pressed on in a voice that showed she really knew I hadn't been listening, instead delving into my sick mind. "You would know that Snape has just come into the Hall."

My head whipped around so fast I almost got a crick and my braid smacked painfully into my face. Stupid, beaded clips. I watched in almost horror as Snape took a seat, big dark circles under his eyes, and tender movements as though he were sore.

I turned away and began to listen to Harry and Ron, who were talking about boy things. Ginny had gotten up, claiming to have forgotten her wand in Potions.

"One time I got so sick I vomited all over the bathroom floor," Ron said proudly.

"One time after a match I got so sick I puked into Oliver's gym bag and didn't say anything," Harry replied.

"One time at band camp…" I said giggling. There was a long pause while Harry and Ron stared at me.

"Yeah what happened?" Harry asked at the same time Ron asked, "What's band?"

See this is why I need muggle friends! They would know what I meant and we would have ourselves a small laugh and then chatter about who is getting their permit and who asked who to the prom. Instead here I have to worry about my Potions Master seeking revenge on me.

"Never mind," I muttered in a defeated sort of voice and began to poke my porridge harshly.

"Hey you gonna eat that?" Harry asked pointing to my bacon just as Ron helped himself to my eggs without my permission.

"Sure! Want my life savings also?" I snapped as Ron ate the eggs right off of my plate, he didn't even thank me! For all he knows I sneezed in them! Huh, that was serve him right. Snot-benedict. Hahaha.

"No, just the bacon for now," Harry said and he and Ron went back to chattering about who got most sick. Like anyone within earshot gives a prancing monkey. I know I don't; like I want to here where exactly they had to find a bathroom immediately. Like I wanted to know that they didn't do it in time! Cripes.

"Oh god, I don't feel so good," Ron muttered suddenly and seemed to clutch his stomach. His eyes widened suddenly and he blushed. "I'll be right back."

"Yeah me too," Harry said suddenly and they ran from the Hall as fast as they could. I frowned and then looked back at my food which I hadn't touched. For the love of-

Now I have to watch what I eat? This is getting out of control! He is taking my favorite past-time away from me, well besides reading…and studying….and bossing people around. But I need to eat, not as much as I need to read. I mean I could totally just rip that pages of a book (shudder) and eat them. Which I think I might just have to do if Snape is putting exlax in my food!

"I just saw Ron and Harry peel out of here and make a beeline for the bathroom…any ideas as to why?" Ginny asked in an innocent tone.

"Yes I think someone put something in my food, which those selfish prats ate! Totally serves them right though. I mean I did nothing wrong. Imagine if I ate that! I am going to have to pay someone to test all my food and drinks before hand otherwise I wont eat and I'll die," I said angrily. "Maybe I'll just have my mother cook me a meal every morning and owl it to me. But then I'd have to explain why I need it, and then I would have to tell her about the whole Snape poisoning my food, and she'll no doubt tell Dumbledore. Then Snape will get fired and he'll probably tell everyone about what I did, and then Malfoy would tell Snape what I did and then Snape would kill me and make it look like an accident."

"Or you could just apologize and stop this little prank war," Ginny suggested and I nearly spit out her food.

"Excuse me?" I asked in an angry tone. "Back down? Are you suggesting I back down? We Granger's may not be much here, and we don't run fast or play sports, and most of us usually do back down, but not me! I am a Gryffindor, and rightly so! I will not back down!"

"Will you shut the fuck up?" Ginny snapped shaking her head. "You are making a scene."

I was once again bowled over by her lack of sympathy. It's as if I asked Voldemort for emotional support while I went through a particularly rough break-up. Imagine his bony little hands patting my hands and then snapping his fingers for the Death Eaters to bring us some chick-flicks and goodies. Then he would tell me to let it all out and I would tell him everything that is hurting me and he would nod along, and sometimes even yell out in outrage. Then we would braid each other's hair and talk about what Snape was really up to.

"Hey Hermione?" a voice asked me and I turned around to see Dean standing holding a clipboard.

"Hey Dean," I said smiling at him.

"Could I ask you some questions for Muggle Studies? Both of you," he added grudgingly to Ginny who just gave him a sarcastic smirk and nodded. "Alright Ginny if you were given a billion galleons, and then you were told the world was going to end in twenty-four hours, what would you do?"

"Easy. Go on a wild shopping trip," Ginny answered smiling as Dean marked it down on the paper.

"Hermione?" he asked. I was thoughtful for a moment.

"Well…I guess I would make a beeline for Gringotts, transfer it to muggle money, then buy a seat on the closest spaceship and go into space and live there until they found a better planet for us to live on," I said finally and there was silence.

"Alright," Dean said slowly and marked it down. "Thanks for your help…" He walked away and I rolled my eyes. No one ever appreciated my answers, anyone who was smart would hop on a space shuttle if the world was going to blow up. Forget that help the homeless bullshit. What is a billion galleons worth if it was going to be gone in twenty-four hours?

"Snape is getting up," Ginny commented and I looked up as he walked from the room quickly. Maybe I should go see if he's alright, I mean I did poison him. And he did poison me! Well almost, I am sorta thankful Ron and Harry are pigs with atrocious manners. Otherwise I would be spending my day on the toilet.

"Well I need to go the library and do some research," I said in a very deceitful voice.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm going to Madam Pomfrey, then I'm going to look for the boys. No one should be stuck in that position for very long," Ginny said shaking her head. "They both better buy me something very nice for what I am going to do."

"Yeah whatever," I muttered and left the room. She is so into herself. Other people have problems! As I walked through the door I spotted Snape slightly wobbling over to dungeons. He seemed to be walking bandy-legged. Poor twiddle!

"Snape!" I called and he stopped, turned around, rolled his eyes, and began to walk away again. "I know you see me! And I know you hear me by the way you are now walking away more quickly!" I caught up to him and he stopped roughly and looked at me.

"What?" he snarled and I smiled.

"I wanted to see if you were alright," I said honestly. I didn't want to know that I had permanently damaged him or something. Although I am sure me and him are the only one to have seen his penis in the past few years.

"Oh I am absolutely spiffing!" Snape snarled again.

"Harry and Ron ate the food not me," I said smirking and Snape rolled his eyes.

"An entire day without those two? I win anyways," Snape said and continued to walk away from me. He made it to his classroom and I followed him in, to his dismay I may add. "Will you go away!"

"Did you ever find the potion?" I asked innocently looking around.

"What potion?" Snape asked suddenly.  
"The potion I left…" I said looking for it. I spotted it on the floor under a chair and a discarder scarf. It must have fallen on the ground when I swept past. "This potion. It was supposed to make the hardness go away."

Snape winced at my bluntness and then regain some anger. "Well why didn't I think to look on the floor, by the door, for some non-existent potion?"

"Because you think too much," I replied dryly. He growled at me.

"Get out before I take a hundred points from your house," Snape bellowed suddenly getting angry at him. I didn't even know what I did, but figured it best to haul ass out of there before he got violent, and actually took points away.

"Well see you later!" I called gaily. "Oh this is for chaffing," I said in a low voice and handed him some salve. He pushed me out of the room forcefully. I just rolled my eyes and walked past the cold dungeons back into some heat.

"Granger!" a cold drawl came from behind me and I turned to see Malfoy standing there looking slightly apprehensive.

"Yeah?" I snapped, totally not in the mood for him at the moment.

"I wanted to thank you for all your secret help, and give you these," Malfoy said and handed me a box of chocolates. I smiled and felt a familiar swoop of guilt.

"Thanks Malfoy," I whispered and saw he was waiting for me to try one. I hesitated then bit into a cream filled chocolate which tasted amazing. "Very good."

Malfoy smirked. "Well, bye Granger," he said and walked away.

I turned and walked back to the Common Room feasting on the delicious chocolates nestled into the box. Was it just me, or was it getting hot in here? Wow I never notices how sexy Colin is, or how sexy his tiny little hands are.

Oh god-

"Hermione?" Neville asked timidly from behind me. I turned to him hungrily and smiled at him.

"Hi Neville," I said in most huskiest voice.

"Could you help me with my Potions?" Neville asked hopefully and I smirked as he fell into my trap. Oh how could I never notice how much I wanted Neville? To just rip the shirt from his chubby chest and do naughty things to him?

There must have been a lust potion in my candies-

"See I totally get how to do the first part, I just don't understand how to do the second half. I asked Snape and he told me that if I didn't get out of his sight he would make sure to curse me into oblivion. So I though you were the safest bet…Could you help?" Neville asked hopefully.

"Of course I'll help you," I whispered and he frowned slightly then slid over to sit next to me. He was totally oblivious to the amount of pleasure I was going to be giving him in a matter of minutes.

"Thanks…Uh Hermione?" Neville asked.

"Yes, Neville?" I said right in his ear.

"What are you doing?" he asked in a strangled whisper as my hand slid up and down his thigh.

"Don't you like it?" I asked in a fake hurt voice.

"Yeah- It's just-" Neville said trying to think clearly.

"Just what?" I asked now kissing below his neck.

What was I doing? I need to stop-

I moved further to him and began to kiss him forcefully. He resisted immediately.

"Hermione I think something is the matter with you," Neville whispered urgently and tried to move away. I just crawled back over to him and leaned all my weight on him. "Hermione stop! This isn't you!"

"This is me! God Neville I feel so alive!" I said now unbuttoning my shirt quickly. He looked at me and then at the portrait which had banged open.

"Ginny help!" Neville cried and she walked over slowly, completely confused.

"Hermione what are you doing?" Ginny asked trying to pull me off of Neville.

"Well if everyone will stop interrupting me, I was about to deflower Neville," I hissed angrily and she stared at me. But as I looked into her eyes, I didn't care about Neville. "Wow Ginny you are so pretty! Did anyone ever tell you that?" She stared at me for a moment and then turned to Neville.

"Neville did you see her carrying anything when she got here?" Ginny asked him and he pointed to the box of chocolates on the floor. She ran to them, sniffed them, then looked back at me fearfully. "Hermione, listen to me."

"I am," I said seductively. She back away as I advanced. God she was so pretty.

"You have eaten a lust potion. This isn't you!" Ginny said and then nodded at Neville behind my back. He grabbed me roughly by the waist and dragged me up the stairs to my room.

"That's it Neville! Be rough!" I called happily but all he did was throw me in my room and close the door. When I tried to unlock it I realized my wand was in my bag, which was lying on the ground. God all I wanted was someone to fuck! Is that too much to ask?

This was going to be a long night!

A/N Please read and review. Sorry for the wait.


	13. Balloon Animals

**Annoying Snape**

**New and More Interesting Ways to Piss Him Off**

So you wanna know what I found out? Snape didn't have anything to do with the candies. All Malfoy. All Malfoy hoping I'd have sex with him. As if! So I have decided to kill Malfoy with some mild poison, and continue my crusade of pranking Snape. He totally deserves it for trying to make me sick to my stomach! Ha! He does not know the family I come from. We can eat, and eat, and eat. Then we'll have some steak to wash whatever we just ate down.

"Are you alright?" Ginny called from behind the door.

"No!" I yelled angrily. I flopped onto the bed desperate for some sleep.

"Can I come in?" Ginny asked again and I could hear her impatience.

"Fine!" I roared.

"You aren't going to hit on me again are you?" Ginny asked.

"Very funny," I snarled.

Ginny inched into the room carrying a tray of cookies. "I didn't poison them, if that's what you're wondering."

"I'm not," I snapped bitterly.

"How could you have just taken the candies?" she asked laughing.

"I don't know!" I moaned piteously. "I totally let the wooden horse into my sleeping camp!"

"Is that another metaphor for sex?" Ginny asked frowning.

"No!" I snapped. "It's a Greek…occurrence."

"Oh," Ginny said nodding knowingly although I honestly knew she had no idea what I was talking about. Neither do I half the time but I manage to make it work.

"Yeah so I devised an entire list of ways to annoy him," I said smiling. "I like number seven."

Ginny read my list and continued to giggle uncontrollably. "Oh I'm taking your advice," she said blushing slightly. "You do remember don't you?" she asked her voice now harsh and angry.

"Of course I do," I snapped defiantly. I totally don't. What in the name of Queen Elizabeth's frilly knickers was she on about? Was she talking about cutting her hair? I totally heard her say something about that.

"Well what if girls think I'm a slut?" she asked in a tiny voice.

"Well fuck them! They're just angry because they have nothing to loose!" I snapped in a strong voice.

"But what if Harry doesn't like it?" Ginny moaned piteously.

"Of course he'll like it! He wont be able to keep his hands off of it!" I said happily.

"Hermione!" Ginny said and blushed again.

"Oh come on with it's gorgeous red color!" I said affectionately.

"I think you must still have some of that stuff in your system!" Ginny said frowning.

"No I don't!" I snarled. "Once again Harry will love it. Everyone would totally comment on it, it'll be the talk of the day!" I said brightly.

"Why would someone talk about that?" she asked in an angry voice.

"Uh, it's pretty noticeable," I said frowning. "I mean one day it's there and the next it isn't! I don't think even Ron would be able to not notice if you lost it!"

"Oh no!" Ginny said putting her hands to her cheeks.

"But think about the after math of it!" I said happily and she lowered her hands slowly.

"Aftermath?" she asked curiously.

"Yeah! You'll feel so loose and it wont be so much trouble to tend to. You wont have to worry about making sure everything is in order, and everything looks alright. Plus every girl does it at least once…before they're even your age!" I said smiling.

"Alright…I'll sleep with Harry. Thanks Hermione I owe you!" Ginny said hugging me.

Double fuck.

**Annoying Snape**

**My List I Made While Horny**

First of all I stabbed Malfoy in the back of the neck with my quill and made it look like a mistake. I mean it isn't shoved in there, I poked him real hard you know enough to draw blood then pretended I tripped. He actually almost cried, it was kind of pitiful. I almost felt bad then he asked me if I ate the chocolates.

"Hey mudblood enjoy the candy?" he asked with a sneer.

"I actually spit that one out and gave the rest of the box to Filch. I hear he's looking for you now," I said smiling brightly. "Better not bend over in any dark hallways."

The look on Malfoy's face was priceless, so I snapped a picture with Colin's camera. I also have to go to Neville and apologize for attempting to rape him yesterday. I really didn't think it would be that hard, I mean I totally figured he would let me because of all the help I have been for him. But did I really want to lose my virginity to Neville? I have seen that boy try to maneuver a broom…Enough said.

"Hey Neville," I said brightly and he fell off his seat.

"Oh…Hi Hermione," he said looking at the ground. I smiled to myself and tried not to burst into hysterics.

"Well I just wanted to say thank you for not taking advantage of me yesterday. It took a lot of strength to not unzip your pants and just have your way with me…I want to say that I will do the same for you…Thank you," I said and kissed his cheek. He blushed and just smiled shyly at me.

I left the room in search of Snape. I was honestly planning on annoying the flamingo's out of him when I saw the perfect opportunity…

Malfoy was walking out of the library looking all smug about something. I'll either see a daft third year or a crying first year walking out next. Anyways, I lit his robes on fire just as Snape rounded the corner. Malfoy began to yelp and Snape watched for a moment before doing the spell to diminish the flames.

"Oh thank you sir!" Malfoy gasped still holding onto Snape's neck. I smirked because of the next task I told him to do…I am so bad but he tried to rape me with my horny consent. He deserves it and Snape is just pissing me off. "You know I've always…had a thing for you. I just wanted to…" Malfoy hesitates and then kisses Snape firmly on the lips. I snorted with laughter and had to duck behind a statue so I wasn't seen. All I heard was the furious mutterings and the big professions for love.

Ten minutes later a very disgruntled Snape walked by a very confused Malfoy and I walked away from my hiding spot.

"Hello Severus," I said happily.

"What did you just say?" Snape asked in a more than furious whisper.

"I said Snape," I said like he was daft. "What did you think I said?"

"Ten points for your cheek," Snape said angrily.

"My cheek?" I asked incredulously. "Alright…"

"Get out of my sight," Snape said almost shoving me aside.

"I got you something," I said happily and pulled a tiny doll out of my bag. He looked at it and I smiled knowingly. "It's a Harry Potter voodoo doll…I thought it would help all of that pent up anger you still hold for him." There was a moments silence where Snape stared at it. I smiled again. "I even made a little scar on his face for you, and that is his actual hair."

"Fifteen points from Gryffindor," Snape said silkily.

"Fifteen points for getting you a gift? You must be a bitch at Christmas time!" I said trying not to laugh as I was once again shoved aside as he walked quickly passed me. Every once in a while he would shake his head in a disgusted manner.

"Oh and twenty points for your language," he snarled at his door. I shoved the doll into his hands and he glared at me evilly.

"Oh you know you want it," I said laughing slightly.

"I do not want it!" Snape muttered furiously.

"Oh yes you do…You can't wait to give it a good poke," I said smirking. The door slammed in my face just as I was finishing the sentence. Pain in my ass. Well at least he took the doll.

**Annoying Snape**

**More From My List**

So I am totally excited for my next prank. This one is amazing…I placed hundreds of balloons in his classroom. I had someone find out exactly how long it takes him to get from the dungeons to the Great Hall, fifteen minutes, and I had Ginny help my pile balloons before my first class. I can't wait to see his face when he comes back in and has color in his room. Plus I have Harry and Ron setting up a distraction so that he has no time to make them go away.

The bell rang and I went to my seat pretending to look just as in awe and whatever as everyone else. Everyone was giggling wildly as they looked around the room at the bouncing balloons.

"Why isn't anyone-" Snape started and saw all the balloons around the room. I smiled happily as he passed one that read 'Snap Your Fingers If You Think Potions Is Cooler Than Broccoli!' I magicked a small balloon cauldron to follow him around the room as he sweeps past in an angry rage, which we all know he will. He looked around the room and his eyes landed on me, but I managed to look absolutely stunned that this would ever have happened. Did I mention they're unpopable balloons?

"Everyone sit down," Snape snarled so angrily everyone stopped laughing and instantly sat down in their seats as Snape began to teach class. At one point he got caught in a big pile of them and very nearly fell over onto poor Neville who caught him and made the mistake of smiling.

The entire classroom was deathly silent as Snape mentioned death and immense pain to whoever put the balloons in the room. At one point I even managed to yawn quite loudly, Ron and Harry looked frightened as I was given even more detentions. Whatever.

We all handed in our potions and as I made my way up the line I began to lick my fingers avidly like I was trying to get caramel off of it. Snape looked more than disgusted, even before Malfoy made a suggestive hand motion and lost fifty points from his house.

Hahahahahahah

A/N Please read and review. I totally put in another chapter but then I didn't like it so I took it out and re-wrote it. I think this one is so much better…I don't know. Disregard the last letter, I know I did.


	14. Tied Down

**Annoying Snape**

**Asking Harry For a Favor**

"No Hermione! No!" Harry snapped as we sat in the library. "That is so stupid and I could totally get in trouble for it!"

"You wouldn't be a willing participant!" I said quickly.

"When has that ever stopped Snape from taking points from me? Remember that time he took points off of me because it looked like I was plotting something? I had just woken up from a nap! The only thing I was plotting was copying the notes from you!" Harry grumbled. I rolled my eyes.

"You know you want to," I said poking his arm.

"No," Harry said firmly.

"Fine," I snapped. "It'll be better if you don't want to anyways," I said and slipped my wand out of my pocket.

"Hermione…" Harry said warningly but by the time he was done saying my name, he was in a firm body bind. I then gagged him, blindfolded him, and dragged him from the room.

"My god Harry! What do you weigh?" I gasped as we came up from a staircase. There was some indistinct muttering and I am pretty sure it wouldn't have been nice. I heaved him again up three steps to the landing at the dungeons, then rolled him down the stairs. I heard him bounce and mutter something rude. "Here we are!" I cried happily as we got to Snape's door. I placed Harry outside of it, left a note, and knocked.

Then I ran like hell. I hid behind a statue and waited for Snape to come outside. Finally, he poked his head out, looked around and then down at Harry.

"Oh what the-?" Snape asked in an annoyed voice and pulled Harry up. "'Dear Snape, This is a warning, take one thousand green skittles to the Astronomy Tower by Friday or your potions get it. Signed, The Watcher…'" Snape looked back down and then back at the parchment. He rolled his eyes. "'Do not transfigure any others green…I shall know.' Mr. Potter do you see this as some sort of joke?"

Muffled protests and a lot of thrashing. I giggled into my hand hard as Snape took the blindfold off of Harry eyes and the gag out of Harry's mouth.

"Well, Mr. Potter? What does the all mighty have to say about himself today?" Snape asked in a bored voice. There was a long pause.

"I'll just go," Harry grumbled and waited for Snape to do the counter-curse.

"Well?" Snape said pointing in the other direction.

"I'm in a body-bind," Harry growled.

"Oh for the love of Merlin," Snape roared and the door slammed shut. Harry stood there for a moment before trying to move, with no avail.

"Hermione!" he hissed angrily. "Hermione!" I came out of my hiding spot and knocked him down next to the statue just as Snape's door opened again and he came out with his wand. He swore loudly and slammed his door again.

"You did brilliant!" I said patting his head happily.

"I just want to tell you that I hate you!" he snarled and began to attempt thrashing. "Get me out of this right now!"

"Alright," I snapped and un-did the bind. He stood up and glowered at me. "Well go! You were just harping about not being able to move, I undo the charm, and you stand there!"

There was a long pause in which Harry and I just stared at each other and then he stomped away very angrily. I asked him to do me a favor and he acts as though I've made him impotent or something. I am the one who makes sure he doesn't fail his exams! I am the one who makes sure he has notes! I am the one who made sure the dragon didn't light him up like a joint in the fourth year and this is the thanks I get?

"Miss Granger?" Snape asked and I turned to him with a smile.

"Hello Professor!" I said happily and he scowled at me.

"I just saw the funniest sight," Snape said like he was commenting on the weather. I was so tempted to ask whether or not it was a mirror. There was a silence in which Snape knew what I wanted to say.

"Was it a tap-dancing bunny?" I asked innocently.

"No, it was Mr. Potter bound and gagged outside my door…Any thoughts?" he asked angrily.

"Well…I didn't take you for the bondage type-" I started.

"Miss Granger!" Snape bellowed.

"Hey, who am I to judge right?" I said patting his arm and he growled menacingly at me. "That was a funny sight…Did you use the voodoo doll?"

"Now if I were to get Mr. Potter back here and ask him who exactly placed him in a full body-bind and set him outside me door, who do you think he'll say?" Snape asked carelessly.

"I don't know," I said shrugging. "There are a lot of people who may have placed him out here. Maybe a jealous lover? Malfoy doesn't like all the attention you give Harry…Maybe it was him?" I was now struggling not to burst into gales of laughter. Snape seemed to take this into consideration. I glanced at his features carefully.

"Ten points from Gryffindor," Snape said smoothly and I turned back to his angry, scowling face.

"Why? Didn't anyone ever tell you not to blame the victim? That it isn't their fault? Maybe it was out of Harry's control!" I yelled to Snape's retreating back. "Gloria Alred is going to hear about this!" I smirked as his door slammed shut.

Well that takes care of this morning, now I need to go and talk to Harry before he has a chance to lick his wounds. Plus I'm the one who talked Ginny into sleeping with him…twice now. Sure it wasn't intentional and had I been listening to her drabble I would have told her to wait.

As I went back into the Common Room I saw Harry scowling heavily into a book. He glanced up at me and then went back to reading as though I didn't even enter the room.

"You know you did promise to help me in my annoyance of Snape," I commented dryly as I began to flick casually through a magazine.

"With my consent!" Harry snarled. "I didn't expect you to bind and gag me, then leave me outside Snape's room. For all I know he could have taken the chance to kill me or something!"

I rolled my eyes. "First of all, he has a voodoo doll for if he wanted to kill you. Second of all, without me, you and Ron would still be first years. Third of all, because of me Ginny will now be shagging you. And fourth of all, if asked, Malfoy put you in the body bind because he is deliriously in love with Snape. Any questions?" I snapped matter-of-factly.

"Wait a minute…" Harry said frowning. "This is a lot of information for one person to take!"

"I'm not hopping up and running away!" I snapped as Ginny came over and sat by Harry.

"What are you two talking about?" she asked after kissing Harry on the cheek.

"Harry is having a bitch fit because I tied him up, gagged him, and left him outside Snape's door," I said boredly. I looked over at Ginny who was staring at me.

"Oh," she said shrugging. "Ok."

Harry goggled at her. "Ok? Ok? I feel so violated!" he yelled.

"Not as much as you will be," I muttered and looked over at me.

"What did you just mutter?" he snapped accusingly.

"My, my, attack someone and make sure they can't escape and suddenly they turn into whining pansies!" I snapped and went back to my magazine. "Stop glowering at me!"

"Why is he leering at you?" Ron asked plopping down next to me and I smiled sweetly at him.

"He's just angry because I managed to tie him up and leave him outside Snape's room before he even reached his wand…Ladies and gentlemen meet the boy who will soon be saving your lives!" I said in an announcers voice and Harry scowled at me again as Ron broke into giggles.

"Very funny!" Harry snapped.

"Were you harmed?" I asked.

"No," Harry snapped.

"Are you mentally scarred?" I asked again.

"No," Harry snapped again.

"Did you lose any points?" I asked.

"No," Harry mumbled.

"Did you get a detention?" I asked.

"No! Alright?" Harry bellowed.

"Then stop it! You know it's funny!" I said and Harry smiled despite himself. "See you think it's funny!"

"It was stupid," Harry said still smiling a little.

"Regardless, I need you to do that for me for an entire month…Cookie?" I asked as Harry gaped at me.

**Annoying Snape**

**More Annoyances**

Who said I can't be annoying without the help of Fred and George? Well actually no one, but I bet some people have thought it. Once again I have someone tailing Snape so that they will rub the coin, and it will heat up when he gets too close to his room. If all else fails, Ron is going to light Snape's robes on fire again. A little over-used but it worked the first time, well I mean it would have worked if it was Snape trying to kill Harry not Quirrel.

So I snuck into his chambers and placed a giant Valentine on his desk. It has sparkles and lace all over it in different forms of red and pink. When you open it the card spits glitter into your face and begins to sing a song. It won't let you close it until the entire song has been sung. After pouring over lists and lists of muggle songs, I have come to one in which I really like it. 'Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?' seems so appropriate, because we all know Snape would very much like to hurt me. I am surprised to have lasted so long when he knows it's me sending him these things.

Then my coin began to heat up and I ran from the classroom as fast as I could. Once around the corner I began to run past the library when I toppled into someone very bony, and of course because of my amazing luck, it was Snape.

"Miss Granger an unpleasant surprise as always," he said smirking. "Now where are you off to at such a fast pace?"

"Bathroom," I said getting myself up as he didn't even offer. "I had some real awful chilly that didn't exactly mesh well with the insides if you know what I mean," I said winking. He scowled at me.

"Well then let me escort you to the bathroom," Snape said leading me by the elbow.

"Thank you," I said courteously. "You're like a seeing-eye-dog! Do you want a biscuit?" I asked as we neared the bathroom. He pushed me against the door. "Well what a horrible thing to do to a blind person! I'm dependent on you, and you push me into a wall? What about my feelings?"

"When you come out you and I will take a walk back to my office," Snape said folding his arms.

"Fine," I said and then looked up at the door. "Sir, this is the boys room."

Snape scowled again and brought me halfway down the hall to another bathroom. "Here you are," Snape said smirking with mirth.

"I'm sure I'll be fine," I said bouncing on the balls of my feet. "I know how to do this."

Once again Snape scowled at me heavily. "I'm waiting for you to accompany me to my office," he snarled.

"Why?" I asked innocently.

"Do not asked stupid questions!" Snape said angrily and folded his arms.

"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people," I scolded. We stood there for another moment.

"Well if you don't have to go we'll just take that little walk right now," Snape said and ushered me down the hall. I was seriously thinking of running away, but he kept a firm hold onto me. I can not believe he doesn't even trust me! The nerve of him.

Finally we made it back into the cool, damp surroundings of the dungeons. "You should think of lightening this place up a bit," I said casually and he opened his office door. I noticed the card laying on the desk, and was praying he didn't. He did.

"Ah, what do we have here?" Snape asked sounding shocked.

"I think it's a card sir," I said innocently.

"I know what it is!" Snape snarled.

"Oh well the way you were talking about it made me think you didn't," I said once again innocently.

"Now who would think to send me a Valentine card in November?" Snape asked harshly.

"Maybe someone is going into hibernation and wanted to make sure you thought of him…or her while she slept the winter off," I said shrugging.

"Or maybe a student snuck into my office and planted it on my desk?" Snape asked thrusting it at me.

"Oh no thank you," I said gratefully. "I mean you're an alright guy-"

"Open it," Snape bellowed and I stopped talking. I slid the paper off and pretended I didn't know what was going to happen. I teased the card open and got a face full of glitter. Then the song started.

"'Do you really want to hurt me…? Do you really want to make me cry?'" the card sang loudly and I looked at Snape trying not to burst into laughter.

"Well sir? Do you?" I asked and he wrenched it out of my hands. "I surely did not send this."

"Really?" Snape asked furiously. "You have a tendency to send gifts that spit glitter!"

"Hey that was a very nice hat!" I said defensively. "You're just angry it wasn't black or something!"

"Twenty points from Gryffindor!" Snape said breathing heavily.

"For what?" I snapped furiously.

"You know what! First you tie Mr. Potter outside of my door, then you send me this card!" Snape roared.

"I tied Harry up? Look at me! Do I look like I can take down a full grown person? Then I would have had to drag him all the way down to your office!" I said folding my arms. "That is a lot of work for someone of my size…However if I had two strong body guards to carry someone around…" I trailed off giving just that snid-bit of realization.

"Get out of my office," Snape said once again looking sick.

"I saw Malfoy carrying a small velvet box claiming it was something for you…Any thoughts?" I asked causually as I left the room.

Ah another day in the world of Hermione Granger…I can't wait for tomorrow's pranks….


	15. So That's Why!

**Annoying Snape**

**Mwahahaha (steeple fingers)**

Well I must say, it's almost Christmas time and no one is showing the least bit of cheer. People are still flinging crap at each other like monkeys, teachers are still not giving enough homework, and Peeves threw a jelly bomb on me. Well I'll just have to add him onto my list of evil doers. It really is getting to be quite the impressive list, if I do say so myself. Mind you, it does only read Snape and Malfoy, and now Peeves.

"…book," Ron said through a mouthful of food. And seriously I was really listening this time, this was all I got out of the conversation.

"Try removing the entire steak and then speaking. Cripes, the way you eat it's as though you're afraid the cow is going to come back to life," I snapped at him.

"Well aren't we Miss Cheer this afternoon," Ron retorted taking a sip from his goblet. "I was only asking you whether or not you were done with that book that you took out of the library last week."

"Why do you want a book?" I asked snorting.

"I can't just want to take out a nice book, crawl up by the fire and…Alright there was a spell in the back of there about enhancing your smarts," Ron said huffily.

"That's bullshit," I said airily.

"Speaking from experience?" he asked smirking.

"No, no, all my smarts come from Knockturn Alley," I said sarcastically. Ron gaped at me throughout the rest of lunch. Seriously got on my nerves, I was simply making a joke and he acted as though I broke his broom or something.

"You know you do that and flies are going to get in," I snapped at him and he scowled at me.

"You seem much more sarcastic than usual," he commented slyly. "Care to tell why?"

"I'm not really Hermione," I said seriously. "I'm her evil twin. Hermione is tied up in my basement with only rats to talk to. Now that I told you I guess I'll have to kill you." There was a long silence and then I giggled.

"Haha," Ron said angrily and went back to inhaling his food. He just eats things whole like a boa constrictor or something. Chewing doesn't seem to cause a barrier in the slightest. I try and eat like that I'll most likely choke to death, or get fat.

"Where's Harry and Ginny?" I asked suddenly looking around and noticing they were gone. Well I mean I have to worry about having Ron test my food before I eat it, worry about Snape killing me, worry about Malfoy trying to slip it to me from behind, and now apparently I have to worry that I may get my best friend pregnant. Damn Ginny Weasley and her loose legs!

"Studying in the library," Ron said and then looked at me. "You do think they're studying right…?"

"No I think they're shagging wildly behind the Potions section," I said and Ron didn't even hesitate to jump up and run from the room. There, that should keep Ron on their backs so I don't have to worry about that anymore. I really could easily kill Malfoy no problem, slip something into his dinner. Or I could just make him impotent and then have him kill himself. Really that would take all the dirty work off of me, maybe I could just slip-

I'm sitting all alone nodding as though talking to someone. I must look like I'm going insane, or maybe I look like I am insane. Maybe I should leave…

Well I booked out of the Great Hall before anyone notices that I talk to myself. You were there the entire time, you know I didn't do anything. That means I need to do something to annoy Snape, thus I began to look for him. I find it better to be near him when I annoy him so he knows I do it, but he can't prove it.

Finally I found him walking towards the dungeons in his usual fast stride as though he thinks walking fast enough will make time fly by. I walked past him, walked around him in a circle three times, then attempted to walk past him.

"Miss Granger, what do you think you're doing?" Snape growled as I stared at him.

"Taking the scenic route," I said innocently.

"Five points for your cheek," Snape said smiling evilly.

"Which one?" I asked and he turned sour again.

"Excuse me?" Snape asked in a dangerous whisper.

"Well which cheek is it that you talk so much about? I want to know who keeps getting me into all this trouble!" I said angrily. "I want to sit down with it and give it a piece of my mind! Ya know?"

"Well maybe we should do that tonight in detention? Hmm? What do you think of that? There will be no need to bring your books either," Snape said and strode past me. Well I got off lightly. I was sure he was going to hit me, or chop me up into a zillion pieces and call me essence of frogs…So that's what happened to James Potter…

I skipped back to the Common Room before Transfiguration. Just as I got near enough to the room Ginny comes bursting by swearing very loudly, in a way that would surely have killed her mother.

"Do you know what that pain in the ass did?" Ginny screeched at me. I really wish she wouldn't yell like that, every dog on the planet just woke up from their nice quiet naps. "He kicked Harry!"

"So," I said shrugging and then remembered I should care this will be the boy who saves the world… "I mean who, dammit, who?" I asked raising my voice very loudly.

"Ron, that's who!" Ginny roared and I paused thinking very hard…There is a good chance this is my fault, I mean a very tiny chance.

"Why did he kick Harry?" I asked kindly leading her over to a bench so she could sit down and rant to me. See I am a good friend, I don't listen most of the time and I rarely care about your problems, but I act like I do and that's all that matters.

Suddenly Ginny got very sheepish. "Well Harry did have his hand up my skirt…" she said looking down at her hands.

"Well I would hope Ron would kick Harry!" I snapped automatically.

"What?" Ginny yelled. "You were the one who encouraged me to do this! You said so! Twice!"

I winced and began to panic. "Please tell me you didn't tell Ron that," I said quickly and she looked down again. "Ginny!"

"I'm sorry," she wailed. "He was there and yelling and I wanted the attention off of me!"

"So blame the whole thing on me?" I cried standing up in horror. Ron was going to kill me.

"Well you told me to!" Ginny snapped at me.

"If I told you to fling yourself off the Astronomy Tower would you do that?" I bellowed.

"No, that wouldn't be as fun," she muttered angrily. She looked up at me guiltily.

"Listen you're going to go back to Ron and tell him the truth," I said finally.

"The truth?" Ginny asked.

"Yes, the truth," I said. "Fred and George told you to do it."

**Annoying Snape**

**So That's Why**

He knew! That little greasy…bat knew! You know what McGonagall did? She decided to give us a giant test for tomorrow, one I should be studying right now…Instead I am here trying to soothe Snape's ego.

"Stop flopping your feet," Snape commanded and I stopped shaking my foot. He seriously exaggerates everything. I blew my nose and the way he went on about it you would think I was blowing a fog horn. So I accidentally tripped and fell into all the glass vials. Sure they all came crashing down onto the floor. All thirty-nine of them. So? I didn't do it on purpose and I apologized until he threw a rag at me and told me to clean the floor. So I finished the floor and sat down at the table and began to worry about the test I should be studying for like all those lucky bastards.

"…until you've learned," Snape was saying. I looked to him wide-eyed because I had no idea what he was talking about.

"Oh, totally!" I said and he frowned at me.

"I'm glad you think so," he said now smiling that evil little smile he has saved in his back pocket. Right next to his evil laugh, and evil eye which he only took out on special occasions. Like a Golden Girls reunion.

I waited as he got up and came back with a giant box of index cards that looked as though the founding wizards wrote them themselves.

"I need you to rewrite all of these before you leave. I was going to have you leave, but seeing as you seemed so excited to do this now, I thought I'd let you," Snape said innocently and plopped the giant box in front of me. "Someone dropped them so they'll need to be dated and alphabetically organized also."

"Ok, what if I told you that I wasn't listening and that I would rather go?" I said shrugging.

"I would say that I already know, and too damn bad," Snape said and handed me a quill and ink. I scowled at him and began to dip the quill into the ink.

When I started on the A's I was totally sooped because this isn't anything bad, I love this kind of organized shit. By the E's my hand was beginning to cramp and Snape was correcting poor Hufflepuff paper's with really malice because he said I was pissing him off. I honestly wasn't!

"Miss Granger for every moment you interrupt me, is another minute spent in detention," he finally snarled at me as I shifted again. What the-? I had like the mack daddy of all wedgies!

"Sorry sir," I said politely and he looked up at me with narrowed eyes. King Henry's Bishops! Apparently I can't even be polite anymore without him acting as though I'm doing something suspicious.

"No need," he said and went back to his work while I continued on. I began to hum the song on his card and he glared at me angrily.

"Excuse me, Buck?" I asked and he looked up at me again as I cleared my throat. "Sorry, Snape?"

"What did you just call me?" he asked in a deathly whisper.

"Er, Snape?" I asked frowning. I called him Buck, that I did. I pushed up my sleeve slightly to reveal a very faint scrawl with , 'Sevvie' inked on with blue and pink ink.

"What is that?" he snarled grabbing my arm.

"Oh that," I said vaguely and went back to work. I felt his eyes on me so I looked up at him. "Sir this is a tattoo, it is ink-"

"I know what a tattoo is! What I do not understand is why you have one on your arm with my name!" he snapped at me and I frowned in thought.

"Your name sir?" I asked putting emphasis on the 'your'

"Yes mine!" Snape bellowed.

"Your name is Sevvie?" I asked politely and Snape gave me his usual 'scare the shit out of first years' look. "This has nothing to do with you!"

"It better not! I want it to be gone the next time I see you! Is that understood?" he roared and I nodded mutely. I went back to my work smirking and began to rewrite all the H's.

"Sir I have a question," I said after another ten minutes.

"I do not care," Snape said not looking up and I rolled my eyes.

"How exactly would one ensnare the senses?" I asked trying not to smile as he looked up at me with such rage I thought he may kill me. "Like would you trick them into coming to you? Offer them a nice time share on the coast, and then shove them into a vial? Or would you be more crafty and reach in and take them out?"

There was a long silence as Snape seethed, quite loudly, over the essays. I noticed that his red quill was just mutilating someone's work…Ah never mind, it looks to be a Slytherin now. They don't give a rat's ass about their work.

"Why did you save Harry?" I asked quietly and Snape threw down his quill.

"Get out!" he bellowed furiously.

"Yes sir!" I said happily and gathered my things. He looked at me and glared so I glared right back, then he looked away. "I win!" I cried and then squealed and ran away when he made to stand up. It might be best that I stay far away from him…

Well I simply can not wait for another day in the life of annoying Snape. (smiles happily and literally skips back to bed.)

A/N Please read and review…


	16. A Tumble Down The Stairs

**Annoying Snape**

**I Don't Believe It**

I sprained my ankle. Yes, Miss Poise and Class took a tumble down the stairs after another run in with Snape. I am totally placing all the blame on him…he totally deserves it after he did that to me! He's lucky I didn't break my back, or neck, or worse my writing arm. I don't know how I manage to tumble down the giant staircase and only sprain my ankle, only I could do that.

So was totally looking for Snape because it's been at least twenty-four hours since my last annoyance and he's going to think I've gone soft. Which I haven't, I had the perfect plan of attack, and he breaks me. But back to the beginning. I had just gotten off of classes for the day and had some time before dinner, so I went in search of El-Snarky, which is his new name.

I had just seen his stupid body whip around the corner and began to catch up to him quickly because people get out of the way if a bushy haired, ill tempered, Head Girl comes running down the hall. Otherwise your knocked into the wall from the force of a line-backer. I saw him near the stairs and saw that the entire hallway was empty considering the fact that everyone also clears out with El-Snarky comes by. He was looking all broody and annoyed about something, probably that it was sunny outside, and was walking very fast.

"Snape!" I called cheerfully and he turned to me as if I was expected soon. That should have been my first tip-off that something horrible was going to happen. Of course I didn't listen to the little voice in my head who keeps me out of trouble. I should have, but I didn't.

"Miss Granger I was wondering when I would see you today," he said in a mock cheerful tone that sounded more like a threat.

"Well don't you worry anymore! Your wrinkles will get wrinkles!" I said and watched as his face contorted with rage. We were just approaching the stairs, and no he did not push me. Though he may as well have with how he tricked me like that.

"I was grading essays just a few moments ago," Snape commented and I smiled. I had totally aced that essay about Polyjuice Potions, mostly because I have already made one in my second year. I turned into a cat, but it worked with Harry and Ron which was all that mattered…right? Oh shut up!

"Oh yes…" I said waiting for the begrudged compliment or snarky know-it-all remark that was going to be coming. I honestly loved them because if Snape tells you that you are a know-it-all it means that you're smart and he hates you for it. Well honestly I think Snape hates anyone who dares to breath in his presence.

"I was very disappointed…You only got an A," Snape said.

"What-?" I yelped and turned so quick I twisted my ankle, and then tumbled down the stairs. Once I reached the bottom of the stairs I was positive I had died because of the pile of books that had broken my fall. However, upon inspection, and Snape racing down the stairs to make sure he didn't kill me, I deduced that I had merely sustained a very traumatic fall. I groaned with discomfort and turned on my side and tried to move but found that I couldn't.

I let out another yelp. "I'm paralyzed! I'm paralyzed!" I began to wildly scream moving around on the floor books.

"If you're moving obviously you are not paralyzed," Snape said sharply and began to take my pulse. I honestly don't know what that would do seeing as it was my ankle and ass that took the brunt of the fall. "It's a good thing you didn't land sideways."

"I know I'd be put out of my misery," I snarled and tried to move again.

"Will you stay put?" Snape asked angrily and tried to hold me down as I thrashed around. He took a squeeze on my ankle that made me see stars.

"Don't touch it!" I said with heavy breaths as he examined it again. He squeezed it again and I slapped him upside the head. He turned to me, seething and I winced. "You know I think I might have also bumped my head…I don't know what I'm doing…or saying. Who are you? Where am I?" I asked wildly.

"Shut up," he snarled and went back to my poor, swollen ankle that was throbbing. It didn't help that he kept touching it.

"Can you get me a trained medi-doctor who doesn't enjoy my pain?" I finally snapped at him as he took my pulse again.

"I am a trained medi-wizard," he snapped at me. I raised my eyebrows at him with a slight smirk despite my unbearably pain.

"Liar," I said and he dropped my hand immediately. I think it was because he wouldn't be able to control himself and he might also break my wrist. Which would most likely hurt.

"Can you walk?" he asked ignoring my comment completely and attempting to pick me up. After a moment he dropped me back down on the floor and I mouthed wordlessly as pain seared through my bum again. "How much do you weigh?"

"Hey!" I snapped indignantly. He basically flings me down a flight of stairs and then thinks he can call me fat? That's rich. "How dare you," I said slowly and let all the anger seep into my words. He however rolled his eyes. I'm thinking that compared to Voldemort, my anger seems childish.

"Well then can you at least stand so that I can get someone who will be able to haul you up the stairs? Maybe Hagrid?" Snape asked in almost a teasing manner, only not so much because he wasn't being funny. He was being mean about it.

"I will have you know that I did not get an A!" I snarled as I tried to slide up the wall. Which wasn't as easy as sliding down it, and not nearly as fun because all the rocks are smooth going down, but pointy and awkward going up.

"A second year could have written that paper," Snape commented scathingly.

"I'll have you know that I have already made a Polyjuice Potion in second year to sneak into your Common Room-" I burst out before I could stop myself.

"What!" Snape roared and I hesitated.

"Ow!" I moaned unconvincingly. "I think that outburst thingie is back again. I don't know what I'm saying…I'm a little woozy too," I said holding onto my head and Snape continued to glare at me. "So I'll just hop, no?"

After a minute of my hobbling and only getting about a foot or so, Snape huffed and swore loudly, then flung me over his shoulder. I was completely startled and then began to think furiously.

"Could you just make sure no one can see my knickers? It's Thursday but I'm wearing Wednesday because I bought two packs in order to be prepared and I accidentally wore all my other days and this was all I had left because they did laundry today-"

"Will you shut up?" Snape snapped as we rounded another corner. I just sighed dramatically and entertained myself by pinching Snape's butt. The first time it happened was so hilarious that I snorted wildly and there was a spit line hanging out of my mouth all the way down the hall.

I just gave it a very light squeeze and he lost his footing so much that I was slammed up into a wall. Before I could even moan about how bruised my bum was going to be in the morning, he was yelling at me for pinching his buttocks. I told him not to flatter himself and that he had toilet paper stuck to his robes, there wasn't but really he doesn't have eyes in the back of his head, I've checked.

So after shifting me to his other shoulder, he began again now more quickly as though I was going to do something back here. I glanced at my watched and sighed angrily as I saw the time, but what was I going to do? Dinner had already started and if I didn't get this stupid ankle healed it would be breakfast before I hobbled into the Great Hall. Somehow I seriously doubt Snape would carry me into the Great Hall, even if I asked politely.

"Do you wear boxers or briefs?" I asked casually and he turned so that my shoulder collided with the wall. "Ah!" I yelled in pain. "Fuck it to a frilly hell!"

"Excuse me?" Snape asked turning on reflex so that my head hit into the armor.

"Will you look where you're going? This is like having a blind man leading the way!" I snapped rubbing my head. It was going to look like I had gotten roughed or something.

"Watch your mouth!" he snapped and walked more quickly. Finally that blasted Hospital Wing came into view. Seriously have it at the farthest end of school so anyone hurt or sick has to walk twenty minutes, stop and ask for directions, then wait in line until Madam Pomfrey can check you out.

Snape tried the door only to see it locked. He cursed and tried the handle again and again until I twisted around to talk to him.

"No matter how many times you do that, I'm guessing it's closed!" I said to him and plopped me down. Once again pain seared through my body and I fell to the floor clutching my ankle fighting back tears that threatened to burst through. Snape turned to me and frowned slightly.

"Are you alright?" he asked almost like a caring human being.

"I would be if you stopped tossing me around like a rag doll!" I bellowed at him and he sighed.

"It looks as if the Hospital Wing is closed for the week-end," Snape said angrily and then began to mutter to himself. I began to look through my bag to make sure that nothing had fallen…out of…it-

My journal! My journal! My journal with everything in it, all my plans, all my pranks. Everything was in that notebook! What if someone finds it and gives it to Dumbledore and he reads it? Or what if they place it in the lost and found and someone reads it? What if Malfoy finds it, reads it, and then hands it to Professor Snape? No, what if Snape finds it himself? He will kill me, then send me to Dumbledore to be expelled.

"…alright? You're looking pale and sick," Snape said crouching down to peer at me.

"Me?" I asked in a pitchy voice. "I'm fine! You know what I think my ankle is all better I'm just going to go-"

"Go?" Snape asked cynically. "Why are you in a hurry all of a sudden?"

"Nature's a-callen," I said standing up uneasily. Snape continued to watch me carefully as though he didn't believe me, which I don't think he did.

"Why, may I ask, is that every time I come within ten feet of you, you suddenly feel the urge to go to the bathroom?" Snape asked folding his arms.

"When you gotta go, you gotta go-" I began.

"And then," Snape pressed on ignoring my protests. "I leave you, only to have a prank played on me or to find cryptic love letters on my desk."

"I don't know?" I asked teetering on my one good foot.

"I'll tell you what," Snape said nastily. "You stay here, and I'm going to go retrace out steps and see what prank you have recently pulled on me."

"No!" I said before I could stop myself. Panic was seeping into my veins as I thought about all the horrible things that could happen. "You can't go!"

"Oh? And why not?" Snape asked and I began to think very quickly.   
"Because I won't let you," I said and when Snape raised his eyebrows, I flung myself onto him and went limp. He tried to shake me off but I kept a firm grip on him.

"Miss Granger-" Snape said in a strangled voice as he attempted to knock me off of his legs. See, I'm no fool. You hang onto both legs so they can't move at all, otherwise they end up dragging you down the hall and you get a mean rug burn all up your sides. "Stop it this instant!" Snape bellowed trying to shake me off of him. I thought my fight was lost when-

"Severus?" a voice called from down the hall. "Can you get over here? Like-Now!"

"Fifty points from Gryffindor," he snarled at me.

Snape looked down at me as I released him, gave me a very filthy look and took off down the opposite hallway. I also know not to dilly-dally and instantly hopped up and began to hobble as fast as my foot would take me. After a good fifteen minute, give or take a few panting stops, I reached the place where I had fallen, and found my journal unmoved. That's when I remembered I put the charm on it so that it couldn't open unless I said the password in my voice.

"Haha," I began to giggle and then sat on the floor and laughed wildly for a few moments until I noticed students filing by me. I stood up and hobbled to McGonagall to tell her all about how I turned on my ankle after carrying the new Ancient Runes book.

A/N Kinda boring but I like it. Please read and review.

I also have a quick question, If you wanted to leave an anonymous review, would you have to click on my link, read my story, sign out, sign back in, find the story, then review without your name? Because if so, that seems like a lot of work to tell me how much I suck at writing this story…

Thank you to all the faithful, kind reviewers and the finger to all those flamers!


	17. A Very Snarky Christmas

**Annoying Snape**

**What To Do…**

Am very confused as such. I have not infuriated Snape in days, almost a week! I can not believe how much of a slacker I have become. I have become what I hate most…Anyone else see the irony? I see it. He's going to think I've gone soft…Hmm….we can't have that happen. Or we could, then catch Snape off guard and really make him angry. Will think about it….Here I go…

"What are you doing?" Ginny asked peering at me oddly.

"Huh?" I asked snapping out of my daze and looking at her face.

"Your face was all scrunched up then you nodded and said, 'Hmm' and looked into space," Ginny said still watching me closely.

"Oh, that," I said shrugging. "I was just thinking about some stuff."

"Right, stuff," Ginny said nodding sagely. I don't think she has any idea what I'm talking about, none at all. That doesn't bother me all that much because I hardly ever listen and or care what she says.

"So excited about Christmas?" I asked doing a small dance that she frowned at.

"Uh," she said still staring at me. She closed her eyes, shook her head, and looked back at me. "Yeah I am. That is the night me and Harry are gonna…Well you know."

"Oh Ginny!" I cried scrunching up my nose. "It sounds so trashy!"

"It was your idea!" Ginny snapped at me and I sighed a withering sigh.

"I have not listened to a word you have said in the last three months," I said sadly and she glared at me. "What? And you're surprised?"

"I listen to everything you say!" she snapped.

"No you don't!" I said laughing at her blatant lie. "I'll talk to you, and when I look back you're staring off into space…drooling!" She huffed and puffed for another minute before becoming serious.

"Do you think it hurts?" she asked suddenly.

"Does what hurt?" I asked not listening again. I really need a stress ball for concentration.

"Sex," Ginny hissed at me and looked around wildly.

"How in the hell should I know?" I asked her slamming my book shut. "The farthest I have ever gotten with a boy was some awkward stumbling with Ron in the shed last summer. Even that was stupid."

"I heard it hurt," Ginny said in a low, worried voice. I sighed at her.

"It does," I said wincing as she blanched.

"How do you know?" she said accusingly. As if I went off and tried it out or something.

"I read it in some romance books my mother has stored in a box under her bed," I said waving my hand away dismissively.

"Well?" she asked again egging me on.

"Well if it hurt so much would women do it over and over again?" I asked trying to explain it to her. "It hurts the first time and then I heard it gets better."

"Better?" Ginny asked biting her lip.

"Do you not know anything?" I asked her, my brow knitted with disbelief.

"Sure I do!" she snapped at me. "Boy, you let on to one weakness and people think you've gone daft or something!"

"I was just wondering whether or not you know a charm to enable you to do it baby free," I said and she looked over at me again, with wide eyes.

"A baby?" she asked her voice tight.

"Christ on a cross," I muttered. "Ginny you do know the charm don't you? You weren't just planning on walking in and doing it without being protected….Were you?" I snarled watching her blush.

"No," she muttered weakly.

"My lord! It is a good thing that you talked to me! Only Merlin knows what your mother would have done if you walked in Easter break telling her you're pregnant," I snapped and she sighed.

"You're going to teach it to me…aren't you?" she asked tepidly.

"Of course I am," I said angered at her half-hearted plea. Do people think I just cave in under pressure or petty perusals? Because I do.

"Great," she said standing up. "I have to go."

"Bye," I said waving vaguely. She rolled her eyes and bounded off joyously. I should just let her get pregnant and use that as her punishment. Although that does seem a bit harsh….Maybe I could just steal her mascara and hide it in Ron's dirty socks.

What to do, what to do….? I mean I need to annoy Snape soon or he's just going to react evilly. What's a good prank to play around Christmas time…? Ooh! Oh, no. That's Labor Day….

"Miss Granger," someone said in a cold voice. I shifted on the seat and slapped the hand off of me. "Miss Granger!" I froze and looked up to see Snape staring at me angrily.

"What are you doing in my-Library," I said glancing around. I had fallen asleep in the library again.

"Well I didn't realize the school had donated it to you. Next time I will be more courteous," Snape said sarcastically.

"Thank you," I said and he glowered at me. "Did you wake me for something? Or was I just an easy anger-disposal?"

"I simply walked by, saw a lamp still alit, and then happened to find you asleep," Snape said angrily. "Most unfortunately."

I glared at him. "No one asked you to wake me up! You could have just told Filch you thought someone was still in the library. Or even better you could have gotten Peeves to come in here and spill crap on me."

"Well I'll keep that in mind for next time," Snape said still glaring at me. What is his deal? He seeks me out, he forces me into his presence all the time, and HE is the one who is angry at me! If he hates me so much, why doesn't he leave me alone? "Miss Granger repeat a word I've just said," Snape snarled.

"Said," I said and his eyes flashed with anger.

"Get to bed," he said pointing at the door and I inched towards the door.

Once at the door I paused and thought about what he was going to wake up to in the morning. Christmas morning and did he have any presents to open? Did anyone ever come down and greet him with cheer? I suspect Dumbledore might, but I think if Voldemort showed up here, even he would get a small hello.

"Miss Granger you're gaping," Snape said icily.

"Sorry the fluid must have shifted in my brain," I said seriously and he stared at me for a moment. "They do that sometimes. Like I'll spit out something I don't mean or I'll do stuff I don't mean to do….Boise!" I pretended to clap a hand over my mouth and he continued to stare at me. "Right well there it goes…I better get going….You know before someone sticks any cheer into my chambers…Nighty-night Severus," I said with a wave and he snarled and made to move at me, so I ran from the room with a smile on my face.

As I pranced up to my room in a very joyous dance, I thought again about poor old Snape and his grungy potions'. Did anyone, besides Dumbledore, wish him a merry Christmas? Did he get any gifts? Besides the socks Dumbledore sends. Does he even come up anymore to sit with everyone still left at school? What does he do in the time between his waking, and the Christmas feast that night? Did he read? Did he sit and stir potions? Did he sit plotting on ways to seek revenge on Harry?

"Watch out!" someone scolded and I fell straight on my arse.

"Sorry," I mumbled and stood up with great effort. McGonagall looked at me with concern.

"Miss Granger are you alright?" she asked kindly and I smiled at her.

"Yeah, I just-" I began but stopped. I didn't know how to finish the sentence. How could I say to McGonagall, 'I've slowly and steadily begun to fall in love with Snape. I have been playing all these pranks on him and I gave him a blow-job. Any thoughts?' I don't think she would like that at all…

"Miss Granger?" she asked again placing a hand on my arm. I jumped slightly and looked at her.

"Me?" I said laughing. "I'm fine! Just a little distracted…You know," I said vaguely and she smiled, looking relieved.

"Oh boy don't I!" she said and I smiled at her response. If only she knew what was really bothering me, it would kill her. "Well off you go young lady…I'll see you in the morning."

"Yes ma'am," I said with another smile.

"Please call me professor," she said with a laugh and I laughed with her. "I need to go discuss some important information with Snape, so I'll trust you not to sneak back in the library after I've left?" Oh for the love of stilettos! I did that ONCE!

"You can trust me," I said noticing the way my heart fluttered when Snape was mentioned. I would have to do something about that…

"Night," she said and headed off. I also turned and walked over to the portrait. I could feel her eyes on me, so I gave the password and stepped into the Common Room. It was deathly silent and eerily creepy, I felt weird sleeping here. However I had no other choice, and at this point I was afraid of what I'd walk into.

I slipped under the covers, turned off the light, and settled into the pillows. One face clearly shifting in and out of my mind.

**Annoying Snape**

**Christmas Morning**

"…wake her up," someone said.

"No," another voice snapped. "You wake her up."

"How bout he wakes her up?" the first voice said mildly.

"Why me?" the other voice asked, startled.

"Because you haven't been fighting with us for ten minutes," the second voice said.

"So I get punished for it?" the third voice snapped again.

"Yes," the first two voices said together.

"Fine," the third voice snapped and I heard footsteps moving closer to my bed. "Mione? Come on, wake up. Mione?"

"I told you….She's dead," first voice said calmly.

"You are going to be so sorry if that's true,' second voice snapped and I heard someone get slapped.

"Don't hit me woman!" first voice bellowed.

"Shh," third voice said. "She's waking."

I opened my eyes and glanced at Ron, Ginny, and Harry standing over me. I let out a yelp which made the three of them yell loudly and we all grasped our hearts, gasping.

"What the hell is the matter with the three of you?" I snarled.

"We've been trying to wake you for ages!" Ginny said sitting on the edge of my bed. "Ron thought you had died, and Harry tried to wake you…"

"Maybe I was trying to sleep?" I asked sharply. "What an odd thought…Huh?"

"Well now that we know you're not dead, it obviously isn't as scary," Ron huffed at me.

"Obviously," I snapped and pushed my hair onto my head. "What time is it?"

"Eight," Harry said. "We got nervous when you didn't wake us."

"What am I? The Human Alarm Clock?" I snapped at them and they frowned.

"No we just-" Ginny began and I sighed. "We're going to go downstairs, you open your presents, and meet us down there…Ok?"

"Yeah, sorry for snapping," I said scratching my head.

"No problemo," Ron said and they all thanked me for their gifts. Sweatshirts that spit glitter.

I sat in bed opening all the odd gifts my friends and family bought me, when I got to another unfamiliar package. It wasn't marked, the brown paper was smooth and neat against what felt like a box.

I opened the box and felt myself gasp at what was inside. There was a leather bound book filled with blank pages. I smiled at it, thinking about how my old one is filled up with prank ideas, and journal entries. It was only when I turned a page that I found out who it was from.

As I opened the black cover, I saw a familiar script that made my heart beta and plastered a smile on my face:

**Dear Miss Granger,**

**I noticed the other day how filled your other one was. I thought you might get some use out of this one, considering we still have six long months left…**

**Sincerely,**

**Snape.**

I smiled to myself and sighed. Merry Christmas.

This totally beats my gift…I got him a peacock quill that sings when he gets angry. I really hope he uses it sometime. It spit glitter and breaks into a chorus of that song, 'Do you really want to hurt me?' only I asked them to squeeze 'Severus' into the song. So now it goes, 'Do you really want to hurt me…Severus….Do you really want to make me cry?'

I think he'll enjoy it.

A/N Sorry for the wait. Stupid fan fiction kicked me off for five days because I had an author's note or something. Please read and review. I know it isn't really that funny, but I'm trying to slowly add romance in. I just want to give the inkling that they have feelings for each other. I think this last part showed it. Also they still have six months left and I don't want a romance at school, so…You'll see. I already wrote the last chapter and I'm working off of it. You'll love it (to all those who want romance) to those who don't it will be really funny! Read and review.


	18. Merde

**Annoying Snape**

**Back to Classes**

Everyone is pissing and moaning about going back to school and I'm the only one excited. Everyone is giving me dirty looks because I wasn't grunting and grumbling through breakfast this morning, and that I was simply trying to get everyone to start a homework chant. They didn't need to throw stuff at me.

I have actually used the journal carefully, you know in case he used it to do something horrible. So for my first entry I wrote, 'Draco Malfoy braids his nostril hair,' you know to see what would happen. Only nothing happened, it didn't appear all over the walls or on everyone's parchment. Nothing like that. So now I'm wondering if Snape can see everything placed on the pages, because that is a really good idea and if he didn't take it, I will. Wouldn't it be funny to see everyone's thoughts? I think so.

So here I am sprinting down the hallways, waving my shiny badge, trying desperately to get to classes on time. Of course I have Potions and Snape is never in a good mood first day back from holiday's. Poor Neville learned that the hard way when he spilled his potion all over the floor and we all passed out. Next thing I knew, I was waking up on the ground with my hair in my mouth and my potion smashed to smithereens. Was not a good day.

As the warning bell chimed and I charged into the room gasping for air and wheezing hard. Everyone turned to look at me and I just gasped out a reply and sat down in my seat, trying to get air to my lungs. Otherwise I was going to die, and then who exactly would be the first women to organize an elf rally? I can't very well leave it to Ginny!

"Settle down," Snape said striding into the room and coming to stand at the front of his desk. Everyone was already silent, so his telling us to settle down is unnecessary. That's like saying to the rainy sky, 'You know if you want….You can rain and whatever….I don't mind.'

I took out my book, uncorked my ink, and poised my best quill over my parchment. I was itching to prove how much crap did not leave my head this break. Nothing ever leaves my head, I would have to go in there with a tray of cookies and a butterfly net.

"Now I realize that two weeks in quite a long time to be out of school and some of you have other things to think about other than Potions," Snape said and everyone looked around totally confused. Was Snape sympathizing with us or something? "That is why," Snape continued on, "I am giving you a pop quiz."

Haha! I am so ready for a pop quiz. Bring it on El-Snarky! Everyone was once again moaning and grumbling under their breaths as they pulled out parchment and ink. What a bunch of whining pansies! I'm telling you that I really need to be with mature, grown-up-

"Gum drop?" Ron asked.

"Ooh," I squealed and took a yellow one in my mouth. Now like I was saying, I need mature adults to be around. These whining school kids really make me sick to my stomach.

"Begin," Snape said and began to walk around the room making everyone nervous even before we've started. Neville's hands were shaking so much that he was making vibrations on the table and rattling my hands.

"Stop it," I hissed at him and he looked up at me, round face full of apology.

"Sorry," he muttered and went back to work. I sighed as he shook again and nearly rattled my vile off the desk and onto the cold floor.

Finally, he calmed down enough to not make my desk the San Andres fault, and I was able to continue with my excellent potion. It was the correct coloring and I was even seeing some shine come through the congealing liquid that really smelt like ash.

Snape was in a very bad mood about something and slammed to his desk. He extracted a piece of paper and a quill….My quill! He was using my quill! He looks very angry….Uh oh.

"Do you really want to hurt-" the quill began to sing and Snape slammed it to the desk as everyone looked up at him.

"Get back to work," he snarled at us and we all looked back down. I kept snorting wildly into my cauldron at the thought of what would happen. See it sounded as though it were coming from the walls. Snape stared at me and then picked up the quill again.

"…me, Severus….Do you really want to-" Snape slammed down the quill as everyone looked up at him again with smirks. I let out a wild snort that I turned into a cough rather quickly. I was trying desperately to think of anything that wouldn't make me laugh. Hmm…

"Neville," I hissed trying not to snort with laughter. He tore his eyes away from Snape and turned to me.

"Hmm?" he asked now shucking his roots.

"Give me something unfunny to think about…Quick," I added as he scowled at me.

"How about Flitwick and Hooch going at it in the locker rooms," Neville suggested and I stopped laughing immediately.

"Ew," I said grimacing. That completely grossed me out, I mean hello, way to lose your edge. Neville glared at me angrily.

"You said you wanted something not funny," he snapped.

"I meant sad….Not scarring," I said twitching violently at the thought of it. Ugh, I suddenly have the urge to vomit all over the desk…

"Bottle," Snape called angrily from his desk and everyone began to scramble. I sighed and whistled a tune, scooped the goo into a vile, and brought it up to his desk. As I got to the desk, I began to sing the song from his quill. He growled at me and snatched the vile from me. "Go sit down before you lose a hundred points," he snarled. "Dismissed," he called to everyone.

"Why did you tell me to sit down if you're going to dismiss everyone?" I asked in a very polite tone. He glared at me and strode away.

As class scrambled out I hung back swaying my body slightly still singing the tune. He went into his store room for like fifteen minutes then walked back out. His face was buried in a box of something, maybe pot? He didn't even seem to notice me as he glided past me.

"Severus?" I called and he yelped, dropped the box, and turned to stare at me. "Jumpy?"

"What are you still doing here?" he nearly shrieked. He clutched his heart and leaned against a desk. "Never, ever, ever, ever, sneak up on an ex Death Eater unless you have immediate wishes to be hexed to death," Snape snapped.

"Well next time my happy pills run out, you'll be the first person I boo," I said and lifted my bag onto the desk. "So what's up with the journal?"

"What journal?" Snape snarled as he bent down to scoop the leaves up. This man changes moods more than a woman on her period. One minute he's happy, the next violently angry. It gets really hard to keep up with.

"The journal you gave me," I said watching as he scooped another leave into the box. I was very temped to give his arse a good all kick and see if his face would smash right into the floor. Sadly, I didn't want to die today or the near future, so I kept my feet firmly on the ground where no harm would come.

"What about it?" Snape asked and I had another urge to kick his arse again. What was the matter with me? One minute I'm fine and dandy, the next I want to literally kick his butt. You know, and pinch it and all that fun stuff.

"What's wrong with it?" I asked again getting annoyed.

"I don't know, what?" Snape asked standing up straight and looking at me.

"You tell me," I snapped.

"No," Snape said placing the box on the table. "YOU tell ME."

"You bought it," I yelled.

"You own it," Snape countered.

"So you didn't place a charm on it so that you can read everything I write? Or it won't broadcast all of my private thoughts all over the school?" I asked sarcastically.

"Miss Granger I am not a seventeen year old prankster," Snape said angrily. "I simply saw it and thought you might like it." He went back to arranging everything in order and I continued to stare at him. He looked back up at me. "Shifting liquid?" he asked sarcastically.

"No," I snapped, my cheeks coloring.

"Oh I also have one more thing for you," he said and went into his desk. He went over to his desk and brought a huge woven bag. He tossed it to me, and for once, I caught it. The weight of it made me stumble back into the desk, wincing in pain.

"What did you do that for?" I snapped rubbing the painfully sore area where my spine was just bitch slapped. Holy shit that hurts.

"I believe they're all in there," Snape continued not caring he nearly killed me. What was all in there? Brick? Did the crazy mo frigger finally snap and throw a ton of bricks at me? Because that wouldn't be funny.

"Oh they are, are they?" I asked undoing the small string and peering inside. My cheeks lit on fire and I wish the bag would just suck me into a black hole.

"One thousand was it?" Snape asked and I looked back up at him. I gave him a cocky, I'm alright, look that he totally didn't buy. "I believe my potions are safe for now?"

"I guess," I said feeling my cheeks still on fire. "I'll just-I'll just tell The Watcher."

"Good, because we wouldn't poor Harry Potter winding up in front of my rooms again," Snape said sarcastically and I felt my cheeks deepen.

"No we wouldn't," I said placing the heavy bag on the desk. There was another silence and I turned to him. "I'll just go then."

"Alright," Snape said now shuffling on his own desk with papers. He wasn't behind it, just in front of it.

"Bye," I said awkwardly and pulled my bag off of the wooden table it was sitting on. In an instant all my books fell from the ripped bag all over the floor. "Merde!" I hissed angrily.

"Watch it," Snape snapped and I looked at him surprised.

"You speak French?" I asked smiling cockily at him.

"Yes," he snarled and helped me pick up my books.

"Ce sont des conneries," I said and he turned to me angrily.

"Watch your mouth!" he yelled. I smiled again and went back to scooping things into my bag.

I don't know why I did it, to this day I wouldn't be able to tell you. But he was there bent over, helping me put all my books away, and I kissed him. He turned to hand me my Charms book, and I leaned in and kissed him firmly on the mouth. After a long moment I pulled back to see him looking at me completely shocked.

Then it hit me. I just kissed Snape. I need to get out of here.

"I'll-" I began to say and then just jumped up, grabbed the bag of green candies along with everything that would fit in my hands, and ran from the room. I didn't stop running until I was completely into my own bedroom, where I fell onto the bed and looked up at the ceiling. I closed my eyes and tried to think about why I did it, would could possible have been going through my mind. In the end I thought it best to turn over and go to sleep.

**Annoying Snape**

**The Next Morning**

The next morning I woke up, got dressed, and walked into the Great Hall as though nothing had happened. Ginny knew something was up with me but she didn't say anything, which I thought was best. She ate her breakfast in complete silence as did I.

"Mail," she announced dully. I looked up and saw an owl coming straight for me. It dropped in front of me with a heavy package. I stared at it for a moment, seeing Snape's scrawly writing. "Aren't you going to open it?"

"What?" I asked snapping to attention and staring at her. "Yeah." I teased the paper open and looked into the box.

"Well? What is it?" she asked.

"Nothing," I said smiling slightly. "Just some books." They were the books I had left sitting on Snape's floor.

A/N Please read and review. This is not the end. She will go to her detention like she always does. Also, some people say there are not enough pranks, while others say there is not enough romance. I am really trying to balance it out, but there will probably be less pranks now that she is falling in love with him. It will still have good pranks, I have a plan…(evil laugh) just bear with me. Also I hope the romance is ok. Oh right, and if it seems as if it was sudden that she likes Snape, it was just supposed to be that she was finally admitting it to herself. I plan on doing about twenty-five to thirty chapter so this story will have an amazing ending. I love it. I want to marry it and have it's children. That's all for now, I've rambled. Please read and review.

Also: Merde- shit.

And: Ce sont des conneries- That's a load of shit.

Both in French...


	19. Spellotape

**Annoying Snape**

**Biting My Nails**

"What is the matter with you?" Ginny yelled after I told her the entire story. "My god! You're not allowed to be alone with him anymore! What do you need a vibrator or something?"

"No!" I said blushing. She was taking this way worse than I thought she might. "I don't know it was just-"

"There," Ginny answered for me. She gave me a sarcastic smile. "You seem to have a real problem with self-control."

"I don't know what you want me to do!" I yelled at her.

"Not fuck our Potions Master is an excellent place to start," she barked and I fell silent. They way she was going on made me angry.

"I didn't fuck him," I snarled.

"Because the bell rang," she said acidly.

"Why are you getting so upset?" I asked angrily.

"Because you keep coming close to sex with Snape," she answered as if I were dumb. Fat chance.

"So what? Why should that bother you?" she snapped.  
"Um, I'm sorry, did I miss something? Are we still talking about Snape?" she asked in a fake shocked voice. "See up until now, you've totally been onboard with us hating him. Now all of a sudden you can't keep your mouth off of him."

"Hey! Low blow!" I said angrily and she snarled at me.

"You know I thought that if I went along with this for a while you'd get over it, maybe even loosen up a bit, but now…I really don't like you now. You're like a woman possessed. Do you know every conversation we have revolves around HIM, what he's wearing, what he did, where exactly he put that tissue he sneezed into-Does it look like I care?" Ginny yelled.

"Well I would think my best friend would care!" I bellowed.

"Caring about your stupid crap only takes you so far, Hermione. You've gone insane. I can't stand to be around you anymore. I love you like the sister I was denied, but you've become too much. I mean for the first two months it was ok to listen to because I was able to drown you out, but now you've burrowed into my thoughts. All I hear is you going on, and on, and on. I even dreamt about it! Yeah last night I had a dream you two got married and had really sarcastic bushy haired children! Don't you see? I can't do this anymore."

There was a silence. "So how long were we married?" I asked and she slammed her books shut and stood up.

"That's it," she muttered to herself then she looked back up at me. "I have officially become so annoyed I want to stab this quill into your vocal cords to shut you up! When you figure out you're in bloody love with than man, get back to me, otherwise I'll see you when this goes away. Good day Hermione." She strode from the room quickly leaving me to gape at her retreating back. In love with Snape! Huh, what an idea…A real fucked up idea…

Oh bloody aunt Carrie's knickers, I am. I'm in love with Snape. There it is, sitting right in front of me winking like a cheap whore! I am in love with Snape and it's been so damn obvious.

I gasped. What if he knows? What if he figured it out before I had a chance to? I'd die! I would simply slit my wrists and jump from the Astronomy Tower with a bowling ball down my pants before going to see him again if he knew. How will I go to class? Maybe I should infect myself with a lethal virus that disables me from having outside contact. That's it! I'll have to take all my classes from a closed in room where only owl who have had the shot can deliver my mail! No teachers, no friends, no Snape! It's the perfect plan!

Although, where am I going to come down with such a disease? I could always go get mono like Lavender did…Who would I kiss that had it though? I could kiss Lavender of course, but I don't want people to think I'm a lesbian…Plus what if she thinks I meant more than I did? I can't exactly walk up to her and ask if she would kindly give me mono. I mean I could but it wouldn't be polite.

Maybe I could pretend to go deaf and walk around talking very loudly and then when people tell me to keep quiet I could yell, 'WHAT?' and act real scared when I don't get an answer. I could become invisible! That's it! I could become invisible! Where would I become- Harry's cloak! I could borrow the cloak and wear it…Hmm, maybe I could just give Snape a memory charm so he forgets all about our little kiss. Oh and the BJ because I don't want that going on my record…

"Hermione?" someone asked me and I turned to see Ron standing there looking nervous. "Ginny wanted me to give you this." He handed me a piece of parchment and then took off running. Whatever, I wasn't going to hurt him or whatever-

I am going to kill him! Murder his Weasley ass! How dare he do such a thing to me? Well, it was Ginny, but she gave it to Ron who gave it to me. Wouldn't it be great and slightly incest-like if I was talking about mono? But no I am talking about the Prefect meeting they both back out of. And the fact they both somehow managed to talk Madam Hooch, the woman Ginny was going to patrol with tonight, to back out of it just makes me even more angrier at the thought of such idiots Dumbledore hires. Ginny told Madam Hooch that one complete night of riding Harry's Firebolt was in it for her. Well that little red-headed bitch is now on my list…If I could find it…Just rummaging through my bag….Is this it?…Nope….Ah! I've got it…Nope, never mind…..Yes, now I've got it. So I'll just add her right on here…Ginny Weasley….Ron Weasley for being an accomplice….Harry Potter for helping them lodge the knife into my back…and Madam Hooch just for being an idiotic woman who must be the easiest woman to land in bed with her lack of common sense.

So anyway, I'm patrolling with Snape. Yes four fun filled hours with El-Snarky himself, alone, after I've kissed him. This should be interesting. Maybe next week they can hold me down and inject heroine into my arm or let me sleep through an exam so that my perfect record is tarnished! To think my own friends would be so evil! See if I ever help them with their homework again, because I wont if this is what's going to happen. Snape must have seen this and he knows I'm in love with him…

He'll think I set it up! This isn't good! This is so far from good it's…bad. This is bad and ungood. Oh, he's going to think I am a tiny little school girl who is going to great lengths to get him near me. Honestly I think if I never saw him again, I would fall out of love with him. It's very easy, just think of all the things he's called me over the years…Ugly, know-it-all, buck-toothed, probably a bitch…maybe even loose legged, idiotic girl. See, and now I'm not in love with him. The only feelings I have for him are very bad and should not be done near a knife, wand, or stairwell.

Maybe I should go kiss Lavender…I think I see her!

**Annoying Snape**

**The Patrol**

Lavender only let me kiss her for like a second before she told me I was not Draco Malfoy polyjuiced. I insisted I was and then she tried to slip me the tongue so I left, hopefully my mono kicks in before nine.

"How long does it take mono to kick in?" I asked interestedly.

"Two weeks or so…I'm over it now," she said. Damn it woman! Are you good for anything? I snarled and ran away from her to go brush my teeth and read a page out of the bible. Kissing Lavender Brown is very dangerous…That tongue must have been anywhere and everywhere…Ugh!

I spit into the sink and added even more toothpaste to my tongue as my gag reflexes woke up at the same time. I nearly vomited into the sink before rinsing out my mouth and staring at myself in the mirror. I have sunk so low my armpits are caught in the floorboards. How have I gone from sexually-naïve bookworm, to horny school girl who tries to seduce her Potions Master?

I don't really know, I just woke up one morning and his insults, thought still hurtful, sounded almost erotic. They way he moves and acts is just so…sexy! He's not stupid either, well alright socially stupid, but he's brilliant! I mean only so many Potions Masters have been made before twenty-five, he was on at nineteen. Also I mean he works both sides, and I'm not saying he's Bi, which I think he might be, but he's good and evil. Like he'd be amazingly harsh in bed and then nice and soothing afterwards.

Will you just listen to me? I am going on about sleeping with Snape when it's…Snape! I need my head checked…or a good sleeping pill. Maybe I'll just take a small nap….

**Annoying Snape **

**Four Hours, Fifty-One Minutes and Eighteen-No, Nineteen-No Twenty Seconds Later**

**A.K.A. Late For Patrolling With Snape**

I stretched out on my bed thinking it must still be quite late. Maybe nine-thirty-ish-

"I'm late!" I bellowed and catapulted out of bed. As I tugged my skirt back on messily to my body, I tied my hair away from my face and ran from the room. I took my robe over my arm and dashed around people as I hurried to the meeting with Snape. For only eight minutes left of free-time everyone seemed to be out. Everyone was also blocking my path, I hate when people stop in front of you when you're running down the hall. If you need to stop short, stick out your hand and give the people behind you decent time to swerve around. If I step into one more person's back, I am leaving a spoon in it, I swear I will.

"Oomph," I growled as I was shoved into the wall. It's like a made house in here! Everyone's just standing here hanging out.

I think I have an idea…

"Everyone?" I screamed so loud everyone stopped and turned to me. I smiled. "Thank you, we've changed curfew to eight-thirty…Stand in line and give me your names-"

Everyone literally ran away from me. It was quite funny to see almost a hundred students running in the opposite direction as I was. Only a few scared first years hung back looking nervous and some close to tears. "You may go." They scattered like wild chickens and ran back to their Common Rooms. I was now officially three minutes late. I walked to our meeting spot and didn't see Snape…Maybe he decided not to show?

No such luck, he arrived two minutes later looking harassed. "You're two minutes late," I pointed out, not telling him I was three minutes late to begin with.

"I apologize. I was nearly stampeded by almost three hundred students running away from something just down the hall," he explained brushing his robes and I snorted into my hand. He looked back over at me and I composed myself.

"That is no excuse," I reprimanded. How many times has he done this to me? Twice, once when my teeth grew so large they nearly ripped my gums from my mouth and another when I was petrified.

"Just because you're Head Girl does not mean you're allowed to give out scoldings," Snape snarled angrily and twisted his robes to the right way.

"I'm not scolding, I'm simply informing you that just because you're a professor does not mean you have special rights that allow you to slack on your patrolling night," I said smiling at him. I was talking to him in my kindergarten teacher voice.

"Miss Granger I don't want to be here, I have recently done my patrolling for the month just last Tuesday with Miss Weasley who goes and on and on about Mr. Potter, she thinks I care what she has to say, and now I have to be with You," he snapped. I don't like they way he said, 'You' as if it was so bad it had it's own category.

"What do you mean 'me'?" I asked folding my arms.

"I mean that every time I come back from seeing you I need to take five aspirins and keep my wand out of my immediate reach, that's what," Snape barked.

"Well…why?" I asked innocently.

"Because you are the most annoying person I have had the misfortune to meet," Snape nearly yelled. I pretended to be embarrassed and blushed.

"I bet you say that to all your students," I said in a girly-voice.

"Miss Granger-"

"Professor Snape!" I yelled back.

There was a long silence in which Snape looked as if he were going to burst and kill me. I was sorta hoping he would lunge at me so I could feel his-

I'm doing it again.

"Let's just go shall we?" he asked in a weird, non-Snape voice. It was almost scary, but I've seen him with the hat so I wasn't too worried.

"Sure thing chap," I said and began my walk down the cold, quiet halls. "I was thinking of painting my nails coral, what do you think?" Snape muttered something under his breath that I think was counting. "Also I need to pluck my eyebrows because they're going haywire."

"…three, four-" Snape was saying.

"Also a good leg waxing couldn't kill me, unless, you know, I was allergic to the lotion or something…I'm not sure I am though…" I said.

"…six, seven, eight-"

"Maybe I should try it some day and just stay the night in the Hospital Wing just so that I don't die in my sleep."

"…ten, eleven, twelve-"

"You know what? If I paint my nails coral I'll have to change me entire lippie…" I continued. Honestly I was boring myself to tears but I remembered Parvati going on about this last night and I just thought I'd relay it back to him. "Then if I change my lip gloss, I'll have to change me foundation, and powder-"  
"Shut up! Shut up!" Snape shouted, and with that, he placed a piece of Spellotape over my mouth. I tried to rip it off my mouth and it wouldn't come off!

"Mumph emmeh!" I cried. 'Take this off of my this instant or I'll scream!'

"I'm sorry?" Snape asked cheerfully. "I can't hear you with that tape over your mouth. You'll have to remove it to talk to me."

"Emuhuh!" I cried angrily. 'Bite me, El-Snarky!' Still, I don't think he got the gist of it because he went about almost cheerfully. I had nothing to do! Well this wasn't annoying him! In fact I haven't seen him happier than the time Harry knocked into a shelf of potions and turned into a potted plant. Snape insisted Harry was the African violets, but swore I saw him turn into some daisy's, and tried to throw them out. Luckily I was there to save Harry, who had turned into a Morning Glory. Then when I asked Snape why he had all those flowers in jars, he got all flustered and took a point off for my nosiness.

"I'm sorry? You'll have to speak up!" Snape said happily. He went along corridors, pounding doors open and scaring the crap out of still lost first years. "Get to bed," he snarled at one. The little boy looked to me and I pointed to my mouth apologetically and shrugged.

"Emmahed!" I scolded. 'You shouldn't be so hard on them! You were a first year too and I'm sure no one ever yelled at you and frightened the growth spurt out of you!"

"Miss Granger is there anyway you can possibly shut up?" Snape asked angrily. I shook my head and then began to hum a nice little song about a beautiful girl, Helen, and the Maths teacher, Mr. Snark, she bludgeoned to death with his own ruler. It had twenty-seven versus and even had three chorus lines. Snape only let me get through seven lines and half a chorus before he 'accidentally' shoved me into a wall. Right, he sneezed and lost his footing! I'm so sure.

"Dumumph!" I said angrily. 'I promise I'll be quiet if you remove this you asshole.'

"No thank you," Snape responded. I threw up my hands in frustration and walked along aside of him grumpily. What a real bastard that man can be sometimes.

An hour later, ten, nothing had changed. I was still basically gagged and unable to talk freely, well unless you count the muffled noises I made behind the Spellotape. I even tried to insist to Snape that I was choking on my spit, he didn't understand. Maybe I should just faint right on the floor and pretend to die…No I don't want to make him happy…

What to do, what to do…I could…no…that wouldn't work…

"Miss Granger, stop plotting," Snape said coldly. I turned to him my most angelic, 'You must be high', look.

"Pauhu?" I asked innocently. I don't know how innocent my muffled voice was making, maybe I looked more believable because he couldn't see the sticky smile I had on my face.

"Yes planning," Snape said and then stopped. "Now I even understand you," he muttered to himself and shook his head twice before going on.

"Oohdo?" I asked pleasantly. Then I went into a long-winded, hardly speaking, description of just what Malfoy had been up to, and why. Snape didn't understand a word I said.

Three hours later, one, I finally got that blasted tape off my mouth. Seriously it was like Old Faithful with the amount of spit that flew out of there.

"…and he does it because I tell him to and you haven't a clue," I said so quickly. Snape glared at me and I gasped in fear.

"Excuse me?" Snape asked. Well I actually started the story of my first day of school and how I came to meet Malfoy and soon hate him. I took him through all seven years, until my noise made him pull his hair out, and then finally got to why I was doing it to both of them.

"Huh?" I asked innocently.

"You said you tell someone to do something and I haven't a clue," Snape snarled.

"Snape dear, I was telling you a story! Didn't you get that?" I asked staring at his lips. Oh that kiss! How I wish he had feelings, real life feelings! He kissed me, and then ignores me! See I am in love with a man who treats me like dirt! I am!

"You're relieved," Snape said shortly.

"I am relieved! I mean that was really getting sweaty and uncomfortable-" I began.

"I meant from your duties tonight!" Snape yelled.

"I'm sorry! You say something so open I answer that first thing that pops into my head!" I cried and pretended to look deeply hurt.

"Obviously," Snape said and turned around and walked away. I watched him go for a moment before doing it. Once again I must have a really rare, humiliating disease that makes me do awful things. I don't know how it happens, and I don't know why, but it does and I really hate it.

I ran to Snape, whipped him around, and just stared at him. I just looked him right in the eye for the longest, longest time. I swear years must have moved around us before smiling.

"G'day ol chap!" I cried in a really thick accent and ran away from him. I didn't stop this stupid, girly running until I reached my room where I promptly flung myself onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling until early morning.

A/N Please read and review. Sorry for the wait! Sept. 29 is my birthday, so don't expect an update until Friday, however I do have a third of the chapter written!


	20. The Apprentice

**Annoying Snape**

**Getting Over It**

Getting over something you don't exactly want to get over, is very hard. Trying to pretend that something that's right in front of you isn't there, is very hard. Pretending that everything you have, may, or might have been through was never real, is very hard. Trying to get Spellotape residue off of your face, is very hard.

"This can't be safe," I muttered and pulled some more goo from my face. There was a knock on my door and I had a really good idea who it was going to be. "Yes?"

"Can I come in?" Ginny asked, sounding cautious.

"I'm sorry I was just about to go to sleep maybe if you come back in a couple years I'll be more talkative then," I said as the door swung open. She entered, her red hair hanging around her back and an unamused expression on her face.

"I understand you're angry," she said shortly.

"Ginny, angry people do not make voodoo dolls of the people that piss them off," I explained and plucked another pool of hardening goo from my face.

"Actually- What's all over your face?" she asked becoming distracted.

"Spellotape," I replied and yanked a piece. "Ouch!" I yelped as it took off some facial hair that really shouldn't have been there…Maybe I'm turning into a man…

Ginny winced and picked up a pair of tweezers. "May I?" she asked and I nodded once in defeat. "Thank you," she replied and plucked another blotch.

"Fuck!" I whimpered as fresh tears pricked my eyes.

"Why did you put Spellotape on your face? I don't think anyone does it anymore after some kid in Wales got his lips stuck together for an entire month. No one could understand what was wrong because the tape welds right over your lips and he couldn't get it off without some kid, Bobby Parker's magic. Very funny, not for poor Paulie, but for everyone else," Ginny said and took another layer of skin off of my face.

"It was that sadistic bastard," I snarled and tilted my face up towards the ceiling as she grabbed another patch of dried glue.

"So your meeting didn't go so well?" she asked.

"It did," I replied lightly. "I said 'Ol chap' before I ran off again."

"Why?" she asked, a small laugh breaking up her serious demeanor.

"I don't know," I answered honestly.

"You're like bipolar or something, aren't you?" she asked, another smile on her lips.

"There's a good chance that that's true," I said and cried out again. "Stop taking off my skin will ya?"

"It's caked on here! Maybe I should just rip your lips right off and transfigure new ones on-" she began with a smile.

"Once this is off, I'm putting Spellotape on his prick and seeing how he likes to pull it off," I snarled and Ginny burst into giggles.

"Can you imagine?" she asked, hysterical laughter shaking her entire body. "I don't think he'd like that very much. So what did you talk about?"

"Well he counted for a few minutes and I mumbled some stuff. He mentioned you, though," I said and she became intrigued.

"Oh yeah? What did he say?" she asked plucking some more glue.

"That besides me, you're the most annoying person he's ever met," I said, my teeth gritted as she attacked some more glue off of my face.

"Really?" she asked, sounding just as touch as I did when he said that. "I tried to annoy him as much as possible. So I talked about two of his least favorite things."

"Harry and James Potter?" I asked.

"No, you and Harry. I think you've taken James's place on his most hated list," Ginny said, her voice full of impressed awe.

"Really?" I asked picking me head up off the back of my neck. "You don't say? I feel as though I should get an award or something, you know?"

"I do," Ginny said seriously. "What would that even look like? A giant puss filled nostril? A dirty sock?"

"I want a cookie now," I complained.  
"How did that remind you of a cookie?" Ginny asked, ceasing her plucking once again. I shrugged. "I heard sock and that kind of sounds like chalk which is what you write with on a black board, which sounds like when you're bored, and I make cookies when I'm bored."

There was no reply to my six degrees of cookie.

"I think the next dangerous task that's done, anywhere, should be right here in your head. There has to be something missing for all your weirdness to strain out. You're eccentric! That's the word I'm looking for, eccentric. Sure you're smart and everything but in a social situation you completely suck, literally. I mean maybe you have a tumor-" Ginny said.

"Maybe I just can't help it," I said, softly.

"Maybe," Ginny replied, her entire face becoming softer with either pity or understanding. I don't want anyone to pity me unless they'll buy my something because of it, so she better buy me something if it is pity.

"I think I love him," I whispered.

"I think you do," Ginny said. There was a moment's silence and she took a giant tug of the final patch of dried glue. I screamed so loud my throat hurt, I hopped around the room, swinging my fists at Ginny and throwing anything I could reach, straight at her face.

"Ow, ow, ow," I whimpered and held onto the skin that was smarting painfully.

"Sorry," Ginny said. She examined it and winced. "I think I got a beauty mark or something."

**Annoying Snape**

**So Far So Good**

"So far so good," I commented as we walked down the halls.

"Its seven in the morning and you are on the seventh floor," Ginny snapped grumpily. She hated having to wake early in order to have her breakfast. Snape is just being plain stubborn, if put simply. First of all, I know he likes to eat early because of what the sunlight does to him, and he knows I like to eat late, so what has he started doing? Taking his meals in bed early in the morning and then coming in during my time, because obviously he knows I hate to look at him.

"Yes, but see it means the plan is working. If it was doomed, he would have found some reason to come up here at this time-Get behind the armor!" I said and yanked her away from sight. Snape came around the corner and strode past us, not even looking back to acknowledge us.

"That was close," Ginny muttered.

"My plan is doomed," I moaned and dragged my feet back down the stairs to the Great Hall in order to have food that tasted gross so early in the morning.

"Mm," Ginny said sarcastically. "I love my citrus before sunrise."

"Then drink milk," I snapped, having no patience for her petty complaints so early in the morning. The only people who were up with us were the teachers and students who haven't been to sleep yet.

"Why are we up so early on a Saturday?" Ginny moaned and flung her head onto her arm. Sadly, her aim was off and she smacked it right down on the table. It gave a deafening thud. I continued to eat my bacon, my eyes still on her, not fazed by the smack. She came up to glare at me, an evil red lump forming over her eyes. It looked like she was growing a third eye. Or it looked like the angriest pimple ever.

"Wow Ginny, that's quite the lump growing out of your head…" I said, a small smile playing on my lips. Dozens of jokes flying through my head.

Ginny felt the lump, which had grown huge in the last minute, and gave an snarl at me. "There is an egg sized lump on my head! This is all your fault!"

"I didn't fling your head onto the table! You're the one who missed you arm and smacked into the wood!" I cried.

"If we didn't have to be up at the ass crack of dawn, my head would be all perfect and unbumpy!" she roared. "You know what I'm getting sick of?"

"Obviously not that sound of your own voice!" I bellowed back. I tossed my chair back and strode from the Great Hall, not looking back as she gave another annoyed shriek at me. I bumped into someone as I passed by. "Sorry," I muttered.

"Ten points for lack of caring," Snape sneered. I looked up at him, my temper already boiling over the edge. Just like that pot you weren't supposed to watch, so you didn't, and you went and painted your nails. Then of course, you forget all about it, and only get to it in time to see chicken broth spewing all over your stove making that angry hissing noise and ruining your burners. That stupid boiling over pot.

"Lack of uncaring, as if that's even an acceptable crime! If so, you'd be out of points for the entire school!" I snapped at him. He seemed generally shocked at my outburst. "In fact, the entire population of London would not have enough points if someone took them off for uncaring. You'd loose so much for uncaring that the entire world would be pointless! So…there!" I concluded, quite lamely and walked away from him. I wish there was a little button I could press that would stop me from doing something stupid. In fact, I wish someone would come and shove me into a wall before I did something stupid. No! Even better, I wish I just wouldn't do stupid shit.

I was walking down the hall, when someone stopped me roughly. I was spun around to face Snape, who seemed out of breath. Then he did it.

He took my face in his hands and held it for a while. I honestly didn't know what to do because he didn't seem like himself at that moment. So I just stood there, he had my face firmly in his hands, and waited. Then after a second he turned and walked away, a curt nod as his goodbye. He also kind of bumped roughly into me as he passed by. Whatever that was, was something you just stand there gaping about. You usually don't get over it until your first period, and even then you're still very confused.

"Are you alright?" Harry muttered to me during Transfiguration. I turned to him, the confused look still plastered all over my face. Instead of answering, I simply did what Snape did and took a hold of his face in my hand. "Hermione? What are you doing?" Harry asked, his voice slightly smushed from his face being all over the place.

"Exactly!" I cried and let go of him. "What would you do if someone did that to you?"

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with _you _doing that," Harry replied, rubbing his face slightly. "What the hell was that!"

"I don't know! Someone just did that to me and I have no idea what to say!" I cried and Harry looked over at Ron, who dropped his rabbit.

"Don't look at me! I'm no face-grabber!" Ron snapped at Harry.

"Who grabbed your face?" Harry asked. I suddenly became flustered at his question. Am I just supposed to reply, 'Snape,' and see what they say? I could, but I wont.

"I don't remember," I lied and then suddenly became deaf of all they were saying. One, uneventful, hour later I spilled out of that room and slowly made my way down the hall to Potions. What am I supposed to say exactly? Well, I guess nothing. My life sucks more than a cheap whore.

So as I sat in the Face-grabber's class, I realized than everything he was saying just sped right out the other ear. All I could hear was his voice saying something like, 'You're the most annoying person I have ever had the misfortune to meet!' Normally that makes a person feel bad or make them become upset. It has the opposite effect on me because I understand that he actually _means _what he says. It take careful planning to pick someone out of a crowd and actually hate them. It's a lot of effort to annoy someone until they crack down and open their emotions to you. I don't have special tools to do it either, I have to use my smarts and my sex appeal, which I think I may be running out of because today I bent over to tie my shoe and no one, save for Malfoy, attempted to look down my shirt.

"…a rare opportunity," Snape said. What's a rare opportunity? "I'll only choose the best for this type of task." Choose the best for what? "Any questions?" Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about? Everyone shook their head no. "Good, get to work." On what?

"What," I cleared my throat. "Uh, what are we doing?" I muttered to Ron. He pointed to a page on his book and began to read ingredients. "I've already done this."

"Do it again. Snape's looking for someone to be his Apprentice," Harry hissed. "We don't know why he bothers to do it, though. It's obviously going to be down to you and Malfoy."

"Maybe I'll bomb this potion, then," I said, my voice wobbling with worry.

"It counts as two test grades," Ron snapped.

"Well that's bullshit," I burst out. The row in front of me turned around to glare and the row in back of me looked up to glare, everyone else didn't hear the interruption. "That's bullshit," I whispered.

"No," Harry said, still looking at me weirdly. "That's Snape."

"This sucks!" I whispered again, taking out my crap and beginning the stupid potion that I was obviously going to pass. A first year could make this! No, a muggle could make this! An idiotic, blind, muggle could make this!

"I can't do this," Ron snapped, angrily. He slammed more ingredients into the pot, which hissed it's anger at him, and began to spit the contents back out at him.

I stared at him incredulously and sifted through all my materials. This was the easiest potion I had ever had to make in my entire life! Like I said, only an idiot couldn't do it.

"Time," Snape called, looking up from his desk. Uh, oh…No one looked done. I myself had finished twenty minutes ago and was playing hangman with myself. So far Hermione-had twenty and **Hermione-**had eighteen. It was a close game but Hermione won in the end. "Bring your vials to the front of the class," Snape called boredly. I stood up, walked to the front of the class, and handed it to him, I was the only one. Snape didn't look surprised. "Is this all? Why am I not surprised that no one else even attempted to challenge their troll like brains? Well I guess Miss Granger will be my Apprentice."

Fuck.

**Annoying Snape**

**Fuck!**

God damn it! Fuck it to all the hells on earth! How did this happen to me? I was sitting there minding my own business, doing my assignment and I somehow become Snape's assistant! No, no. His apprentice. Fuck, fuck, fuck, god damn it, fuck!

"It might not be so bad," Ginny said, rolling another lock of hair around her wand, which heated up to serve as a curler. "Maybe he didn't know that was going to happen."

"He did it on purpose!" I cried and flung myself down on the bed. "He knew I wouldn't want to do it! He knew I would get upset over it! He also knew I wouldn't be able to say no! I NEED this on my application to any Ministry job, and what did he do? He fucking gave it to me! If I decline no other teacher will offer and if I accept it, no other teachers will offer! He knew it! He did it on purpose! Plus that assignment he gave! It was easy on purpose! It was from the first year book and everyone else was given something different! He did it on purpose!"

"Well maybe you heard the page wrong," Ginny said, not looking over at me. Instead she continued to do her hair for her date tonight. Ron was going out with Hannah Abbott and I was hanging myself in the bathroom…Oh shit….I've become Moaning Myrtle.

"I didn't hear it wrong, Ron pointed to it and I specifically turned to page 456," I snapped, moodily. I hate it when you're upset and people try and find any possible way to make it seem like it was your fault before they sympathize with you. I hate that.

"Maybe Ron pointed to the wrong page," Ginny said, once again she was making me so angry I was going to stick her hot wand right down her throat until her lungs light on fire and she can't breath!

"He didn't point to the wrong page, Ginny!" I spat, so angry I could barely control my anger at this moment. I was actually shaking with controlled rage. I strode over to the desk and flung the bottom drawer open. Inside was every textbook I had ever owned, even that damned Divination book that was immune to all forms of flames and spells. I shuffled through them until I came to the book I was looking for. "Here," I flung the book at her. She caught it and flipped through the pages.

"Simply Simple Potion," Ginny read slowly. She turned to me with wide eyes. "Why would Snape have you doing a first year potion? How did it get in your Seventh year book?"

"He bumped into me after he grabbed my face and must have placed it in my bag. He wanted to make sure that I would be the one who got the Apprenticeship…Smug bastard."

"Isn't that against the rules?" Ginny asked, doubtfully.

"No, I would have gotten it anyway. He just wanted to make sure that I did get it…" I said angrily. This means war. "I have a meeting with him this evening."

"What time?" Ginny asked.

"Twelve minutes," I replied with a small sigh. "I should get going."

"Probably," Ginny answered.

"Get out of my room," I said and she pouted and left.

I walked down the halls and carried my wand in my hands. What the hell am I going to do? I was desperately trying to stay away from this man and he makes it so much harder! I got to the door and knocked loudly.

"Please come in," Snape said. I stood rooted at the door in shock. Snape had never said the word, 'Please,' unless it was followed by 'Go crawl into a hole and die.'

I turned the knob and entered his rooms.

A/N Please read and review. This isn't my best chapter but I wanted to give you one because it's been a while. I'm have trouble with this story because I don't know when to end it or what I should do with it. Input would be amazing, flamers should just not reply because I don't care.


	21. Memories in a Bottle

**Annoying Snape**

**You think my life sucks? It gets so much better…**

"Enter," Snape repeated as I just stood there. After I checked to make sure I wasn't hearing things or having a talking, very life-like dream, I turned the knob and entered. Not because he told me to, but because I would have even if he said to not enter. I don't do what he says, if he said marry me I wouldn't. Really, I wouldn't…Oh, what do you know?

I entered (shut up) and walked across the room to place my things on a table in front of his desk. Snape looked up at me as though to see if I knew what he had done. Of course I did! They didn't call me Hermione-Know-It-All-Bushy-Haired-Hitler-Revived-Into-A-Witch-Bossy-Bitch-Granger for nothing now do they? I don't think so. I know my stuff.

"Now Miss Granger, as much as it pains me to say this," Snape said suddenly, "you seem to be the only one able to finish your Potion. Therefore, despite my vast protests, I am forced to allow you to become my Apprentice. If you decline, believe it or not, Neville Longbottom, who somehow managed to get just as far as you did, finished also. I would be able to take him on as my Apprentice. I do not want to," he said bluntly. "That boy is a danger to anyone within fifty feet of his wand, a hundred with anything bubbling in a cauldron, and seems to be afraid of me. I can not work with him. Last detention he cried for half an hour after I threatened to chop him into bits and send him back to his grandmother." I snorted and Snape ignored me and continued his speech. "You are simply the best and if I am forced to have a student on hand at odd hours and five out of seven days, I would rather it be someone I know can do something without my guidance and threats. It counts as all your recommendations for school and will erase on bad mark from your record, which I highly doubt you have. So, what say you?" Was he really just going to pretend nothing happened?

There was a long pause and I sighed. "I guess," I said, a giant sigh racking my entire body. It was one of those sighs that makes you go into a coughing fit so bad that you completely come off looking like a smoker. Snape glared at me, I honestly don't see what is so bad about coughing besides the fact my lungs seem to think I'm dying, but never the less I was fixed with his evil stare and quickly went to work. Twenty minutes later we still didn't talk, he had simply sent me a note with my instructions on it and I began to go to work.

"Let me see what you've done so far," Snape said, gliding over and peering into my cauldron. He wrinkled up his brows in thought. "What's this?"

"A ladle, sir," I said politely. He looked back up at me, another priceless glare fixed on me.

"I meant in the cauldron," he spat and looked back at it quizzically. "I believe you added another dash of birwood than needed? Why?"

"Well, you told me to add some poppy seeds into the mix, if I did that not only would the entire potion have turned into a cat, but it would have been an angry, wet cat," I explained. "Plus, you wanted a Reliable Potion, not a cat."

Snape looked at me and then something sort of like a smile, not quite, came over his face. "Very good," he said wiping his hands. "You're the first person in the ten years I've allowed this, whose gotten it right."

"See that's because everyone else was probably too afraid to tell you that you did something wrong," I explained. He didn't glare at me, simply stood there looking at me. "I'm not though."

"And why is that?" Snape asked, his face looking thoughtful again. I didn't really know how to put it. Luckily, before I could answer, there was a friendly knock on the door. Snape turned to it, his eyebrows knitting again. "Yes?"

"Severus, dear fellow, it's Albus, may I come in?" Dumbledore asked from the other side of the door. I looked at Snape in relative shock for a moment.

"Please do," Snape said, turning back to his desk and walking away from me. Dumbledore walked in and looked around, his eye twinkling with interest.

"Oh!" he said when he spotted me. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

"No, Miss Granger was just getting accustomed to her surroundings," Snape said, he looked back at Dumbledore again.

"I placed those memories you wanted me to place away for you, away," Dumbledore said, he glanced at me and then smiled. He extended some small bottles filled with a misty substance for Snape to take. "For when you're ready for them again."

What memories?

"Alright," Snape said, standing up and grasping them in his hands. I glanced at them, curiosity bursting through me. I wouldn't say I'm nosy, just really curious about everything around me and I usually eavesdrop if I want to know something.

"I won't keep you," Dumbledore said, he looked over at me again, his smile brightening. "I would just like to congratulate you, Miss Granger. Not many get an opportunity such as this."

"Thank you, sir," I said, a faint blush creeping onto my cheeks. I still looked over at the vials Snape had quietly placed into his desk drawer.

"Good-night," Dumbledore said, he smiled again. "Be nice, Severus." Snape glared at him as he left, then he turned back to me.

"I believe you have another potion to get started on, do you not?" he barked at me. I was quite surprised with his behavior throughout all of this. Honestly, I did some pretty naughty thing to this man and he just…forgets them?

"Can I ask you a question?" I asked, timidly.

"I suppose, if you must," Snape sneered, he looked up again from his potion, impatiently.

"Are you not even going to mention what happened today?" I asked, my voice slightly teasing. "It's pretty obvious what you did, and why I got the Apprenticeship."

"Because you were the only one I trusted enough to place under these types of potions," Snape repeated, he looked very annoyed now as though I were looking for trouble.

"No I mean the whole face thing," I said, trying very hard not to loose my temper. Snape looked even more angry now, I don't see why he's denying this.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," he barked.

"I think you do," I snapped, placing a hand on my hips and trying with all my might not to slap him. "You walked up to me and squeezed my face!"

Snape stared at me for a long moment. Finally, he spoke. "I did no such thing," he snarled. "I suggest you get back to work before I not only kick you off of this position, but make a year's detention with Filch cleaning out animal bowels, seem like a summer stroll." I just stared at him in disbelief.

"Yes, sir," I muttered and went back to work. There was a long period of silence. "What about the shampoo, then?" I asked.

"Excuse me?" he barked, sharply. "Did you not hear me when I ordered you to not talk again? Do you ever keep your mouth closed?"

"No, not often," I replied, my tone matching his.

"Miss Granger I am going to take a point for your cheek," Snape remarked, his tone seething.

"Well now my other cheek feels left out, you might want to take a point from it also, keep the peace, you know?" I asked, my tone like it usually was when I was talking to Snape. He looked at me in shock.

"Consider it done," he said, his tone cold enough to freeze my approaching tears. Why was he doing this? I want some ice-cream and a tin of cookie-dough. If I gain weight because of this man I'll kill him.

"Spiffing," I snapped. He turned and went back to his work. There was another, really long pause. "You're a face squeezer!" I cried out. He dropped whatever he was placing into the cauldron, onto the floor and turned to me, I thought for a moment he might take out his wand and kill me. Before he could, I began talking, well more like physically showing what he did. I strode over to him and grabbed his face like he did to me. "Ring any bells? Toot any horns? Is that little light bulb flickering on yet?" I asked, I looked into his eyes and only saw shock, anger, and pure disbelief.

"Get. Off. My. Face. NOW!" he roared and I let go of him, my cheeks blazing. "I do not know what in the world has gotten into that already inflated head of yours, but if you do not cut this childish behavior, I am going to pull your paperwork from the Ministry and hire Mr. Longbottom. Is. That. Clear?"

"Crystal," I squeaked, my cheeks still on fire. Something was really off.

"Get back to work," he spat, straightened his robes, and went on with his work. I watched him working and continued with my own potions, fixing all the purposeful mistakes he had made. I honestly feel bad for the kids who had a wet, angry, potion smelling cat hissing around the room. Also, some of the things that would have happened if you didn't change the potion, were pretty dangerous. Like a snake, and an explosion. I would have been pa-hissed if any of that spewed into my face. I would have had a B-fit so fast it would have beat Superman's flying speed. "Are you finished with Potions two through five?" he asked, some twenty minutes later.

"Yes," I replied, my face still laced with embarrassment. "Also I've done six through nine."

"No doubt that you would have," Snape said, his tone mocking me. He walked over and peered into the vials, his eyes glanced at the thickness, color, and weight of the potion. "Very well. Here is the next list of potions. There will be no need for you to correct any of my mistakes." I glanced over the list.

"And if I see any?" I asked, realizing too late that this would most likely piss him off.

"Like I said, I don't need you to correct anything. I have made no mistakes, I make no mistakes when it comes to something like this," he snarled, his tone was heavy with uncontrolled anger. He turned and I felt words spill out of my mouth before I could do anything about it.

"Sir, with all do respect," I began. He stopped, his body gone stiff with anger. "you didn't answer my question. I simply asked what to do if I do find a mistake."

He turned to me slowly. "Miss Granger," he barked, his voice thin and waspish. "I have told you that there are no mistakes on this piece of paper, yet you seem to feel the need to make one. I have given you instructions, I have laid everything out for you, there should be no problems, yet you seem hell bent on making one, why is that?" he asked angrily.

"Sir, it says add Capricorn oil into the base after stirring for three minutes," I said, he nodded, still not seeing what I could possibly see wrong. "Capricorn oil is grown in an African desert, three hundred miles from the nearest form of water, the rain that does fall on it, is magically evaporated before it touches the leaves. If I add the oil into the cauldron it would most likely act violently." There was a wringing pause.

"Did you read on?" Snape sneered. I paused, quickly scanning the list. I re-read his directions and felt my cheeks flame up instantly. "Well?"

"No, sir," I said, my voice small and weak.

"Will you kindly read what the instructions tell you to do?" he asked, his voice mocking and teasing. I tensed and read the words, my voice now hardened with embarrassment.

"'Place fairy dust on top of the mint leaves. Leave for two minutes, or until the two have congealed onto one another. Stir the ingredients for three minutes. Add the Capricorn oil-'"

"There you are, Miss Granger," Snape said, his voice ringing across the rooms. "Perhaps if you focused more on what you should be doing right, rather than what others are doing wrong, you wouldn't make common mistakes," Snape said, his voice as sharp as a tack.

"Yes, sir," I replied. My mind was screaming at my mouth to open up and give him a piece of my mind, to lash out at his tone, but my mouth stubbornly refused. Something was wrong.

Snape worked for another ten minutes then placed his ladle down on the table and stalked over to the desk and turned back to me.

"Miss Granger, I need to make a quick errand. I trust you no longer need to be babysat and I can leave you here, alone?" he asked, his tone mocking.

"Yes, sir," I replied instantly. I was thinking only of breaking into the cabinet and seeing what memories he had closed up. How rotten am I?

"Good, when I get back, I expect that entire list to be done," he ordered, his tone clipped, and then strode from the room, the door slamming forcefully behind him. I stood there for a moment before testing the water. I threw a quill at the desk to see what happened, nothing. I placed a pinkie on the desk to see what happened, nothing. I opened the drawer, nothing. I pulled a random vial out of it, nothing. I opened it up, something. With the impact of a charging bull, I was slammed into the wall behind me. I saw a memory, his memory, of all the things that had happened between us. This was almost like Snape last year, I guess before he fell in love with me. Snape didn't want to remember everything we've been through…

Once the memories were placed back into the drawer, I settled back in my seat, my mind now buzzing deliriously. Either he put them away because he was in love with me and didn't want that to interfere with my work, or something happened. The door burst open and Snape strode back in. he glanced at my table, the potions neatly line up in a mocking row.

"Very well, you may go," Snape snarled, his entire body slumping with relief of my nearing exit. "I'll see you tomorrow, same time, same place, then? I wouldn't be late."

"I won't be," I said, my tone in a tight, clipped fashion. He thinks he can belittle me? Well I am not intimidated by this man anymore! Well, alright I am so lying. This is Snape pre-love for me. He's mean and doesn't really like me at this point. If all his memories are gone-

Isn't this what I wanted? didn't I ask for this? For some magic miracle to take his memories away? So that I could start over without all the stuff that happened between us?

"You're gaping, Miss Granger," Snape called, I started and smiled weakly at him.

"Long night," I explained, he didn't respond.

"Good night, Miss Granger," Snape said, his voice pointed on the good bye. "I daresay we'll meet again in class?"

"Yes," I replied and began to edge out of the room. I wanted to say something, I needed to say something, his memories of me were sitting in a bottle. Snape's head was bent and he was correcting essays. I watched him for a moment.

"If you are not gone when I look up you'll be here till dawn scrubbing the floor," Snape growled. He looked up, only to see my robes swishing away.

**Annoying Snape**

**Memories Gone**

"Where were you?" Ron hissed, his voice sounding shocked that I would ever be late for a class. I sighed and placed my bags down on the table, I wasn't late, really. I was actually an entire minute early, which was late. Usually I'm here thirty seconds after the lunch bell.

"I had to look something up," I hissed back and began to unpack my bag. Neville took his seat in front of my, nearly blocking my view of the door. I looked around the room, and still didn't see Snape, or any sign of him in fact.

"What," Harry said, stressing the point. "was so important you were nearly late…for Snape's class?"

"I just had to check something on memory modification," I explained. All I got in response were two blank looks. Before I could explain a door slammed and Snape strode in, looking miserable as ever.

"Settle down," he barked. Was that really needed? Only idiots breathed once he entered a room. "Take out your books and turn to page 636," Snape ordered and opened his own, teachers edition. "Can anyone tell me what Sapphric root is-besides Miss Granger," Snape said, almost instantly. He turned to see that not only was my hand not up, but I was looking at my nails.

Everyone else had followed his gaze and were now too staring in shock. So I answer every question he ever asked, so what? If I didn't he'd get cranky and his cranky pants are so tight they must be cutting circulation off to his boys.

"Miss Granger, can you tell us what Sapphric root is?" Snape asked, his voice not hiding any of the shock he must be feeling at this point. If this had been say McGonagall's class I would have been sent to Madam Pomfrey to check for a fever. I shook my head no. "No?" he echoed, his voice and face showing complete and utter shock. "You don't know the answer?"

"No, sir," I repeated, my voice low but firm.

"Did you not read the chapter?" Snape asked, he was now sounding confused. "I mean to say that usually whenever I assign work, you're spitting out about things we haven't learned yet."

"I didn't read ahead, sir," I said, trying not to giggle.

"So you didn't do your assignment?" Snape asked, his tone now becoming slightly more amused with whatever punishment he was thinking about.

"I did the assignment," I said, slithering it out of my book and handing it to him. He read it over and then turned the page over twice before looking up at me.

"It's three and a quarter feet long," he said, his tone once again back to disbelieving.

"I'm aware of that," I said. "It was the required length, was it not?" I asked. Ron nearly fell out of his seat.

No one else said anything. The main question on anyone's mind had to be, 'Did Hermione Granger go crazy?' The answer? I've never felt saner in my entire life.

Snape thrust the paper back at me, his face still shocked. "Does anyone know what Sapphric root is?" he asked. Neville raised a shaking hand. It was the first time he even spoke out in class. Snape turned to him looking more shocked than ever. "YOU know Longbottom?"

"I think so sir," Neville replied, his voice cracking with anxiety and fear. Snape looked back over at me, incredulously.

"Longbottom knows but not Granger?" Snape said, as though working it out in his head. The entire class nodded their heads in agreement. "Granger doesn't know an answer, but Longbottom does?" More nods. Snape had the look of, 'WHAT is the world coming to?' plastered on his face and turned back to Neville. "Well then, what is it?"

"It's used to cure most forms of the common cold. It doesn't take away your symptoms, simply lessens them so that it's not as brutal," Neville explained, his voice still quivering with fear. Snape stared at Neville, looking almost afraid. Everyone waited for what Snape had to say.

"Your assignment is one the board," Snape said, his voice clipped. He turned away and went back to his desk. Neville sat there, his eyes darting around for a moment before relaxing some. He glanced back at me and met my wink, then crushed the small scrap of paper I had slipped into his hand before class began.

A/N Please read and review. I understand, not my best, and before I get a million reviews claiming they're confused, I want to explain. Something happened and Snape had to take his memory away and keep it hidden for a while, while doing that he extracted all his memories of Hermione. Do not fear, he gets them back. You'll also figure out why he gets them taken away. This is the Snape before he realized he loved Hermione, that's why he is always so tolerant of her, so don't get all antsy. Anything else just tell me.

Also, last chapter I said it was Saturday and then changed it class, my mistake. I had written another bit to the chapter but took it out and forget to change the days, simply ignore it. Thank you.

Oh yes, there will be more pranks for those of you prank lovers and more romance for those romance lovers, I know this probably isn't funny, but I wrote another part of the story and I liked how it came out, sadly I couldn't post it without a fill in chapter, almost like foreshadowing, so just bear with me. It gets better.


	22. Mint Hot Chocolate

**Annoying Snape**

**Snapping Back**

"Pass the gillyweed," Snape said, his voice low and calculated. I murmured something softly, really just gibberish, and handed it to him. He wrenched it from my grasp and glared at me. He may not remember my mistakes that I've done to him, ones I will never speak of again, and just seemed content on being annoyed with me.

"You're going to add it now?" I asked, actual curiosity in my voice. I take 'Potions' very seriously and I like to be aware of everything. Especially if Snape is purposely messing with a potion so it backfires in my face.

He slammed down the gillyweed, making me jump three thousand feet in the air. "Miss Granger!" he bellowed. There was a long ringing silence. Do I answer?

"…Yes?" I asked, more questions and not so much confidence in my voice.   
"Don't you think that if I wanted your opinion on something, highly improbable it may be, that I would ask you when I wanted you to come nosing in?" Snape roared, his temper flaring again. There was another long silence.

"Well…I don't know," I said finally. "You're almost a hermit and keep to yourself. _Would_ _you_ ask me if you needed help?" Another silence.

"Go work over there and don't speak until spoken too," he barked. "That's a direct order by the way," he added, almost as an afterthought. I slid off the stool and stamped moodily over to the other table where the grossest smelling potion was brewing. It made a dead animal's ass smell like a vat of lilacs.

Ten minutes later found me watching Snape do his own potion, and me stare wistfully at it, while evil in liquid form bubbles in my cauldron. "Miss Granger, if you can hold your tongue, you may come and assist me." Oh, I can, can I?

"Alright," I said and slid off my seat and slowly walked over to him. He added something else and it popped merrily. I watched, a faint smile playing on my lips. He still seemed angry at my presence and wanted to make sure I was aware of it.

"Take a seat," he barked. I instantly sat down, good thing there was a stool there. He went on about his work, not paying me the least bit of attention. How exactly is this assisting him? All I'm doing is sitting here, breathing his ear, and biting my tongue. "Stop squirming! It looks as if someone's put Itching Solution in your knickers."

"My knickers are quite clean and unitchy, thank you very much," I said, a tinge of dignity settling in my voice. He took no notice of me and started adding something else. I watched helplessly as he dropped another drop of something gooey into the already bubbling cauldron.

"Miss Granger," he barked again, his voice sounding exasperated.

"I didn't say anything!" I cried out. He turned to fix me with another glare that made me want to cry like a baby. This wasn't the Snape who like me. This was the Snape who hated me…

"You're fidgeting like a dog with flees! Sit still," he roared and turned back to his work. "Pick up that ladle." I did so. "Spoon some into the vial." No shit. "Place it back on the counter." As opposed to in the air? "Place the ladle back down." Thank you, Captain Obvious. "This potion will light up if there are any negative thoughts in the room."

"How bright does it get?" I asked, waiting.

"Very," Snape replied. "Why do you ask?"

"This thing is about to burn brighter than an Ollie-All's Light bulb," I said in a hushed voice. There was a moment of silence before suddenly the frigging thing erupted into a sphere of light.

"GIT!" it roared out. I turned to him, my cheeks flaming. "KNOW-IT-ALL!" I glared at him.

Finally after every insult I've ever thought about him tonight, in every language I knew, it was over. There was a ringing silence and we sat there in complete silence. That was one rude light bulb.

"Hand me a towel," Snape ordered.

"Don't you mean PLEASE hand me a towel BUSHY HAIRED, KNOW IT ALL?" I asked, my voice as sarcastic as it could get. Snape shot me a look of venom.

"A point for your cheek," he snapped.

"Don't forget the other one, they have issues," I said. He snarled angrily for a moment and wrenched the towel from my hands, patting down the spilled potion with vigor. Another long silence followed.

"Hand me that paper," Snape said. I rolled my eyes and handed it to him. I felt like his stupid secretary. 'Get me the paper, Granger.' 'Hand me a vial, Granger.' 'Stop talking, Granger.' 'Stop talking, Granger!' 'STOP TALKING!' I did not sign up for this bullshit.  
"Here you go, sir," I said as politely as I could muster.

"Now here you are…" Snape mumbled, more to himself than me. He handed me something, it looked like an ingredient list…It smells like an ingredient list…It feels like an ingredient list…By golly it is an ingredient list! "Do these two potions and you'll be done for the night."

"Yes, sir," I answered, brightly. He stared at me again as though I were actually crazy or something, I know I am, but he doesn't and he's judging a book by it's cover.

"You don't find a problem?" he asked, his tone mocking shock. I swear he must be the snarkiest, most sarcastic child in the entire world. "I didn't make a mistake? I actually know what I'm doing?"

"I should hope so," I said, my voice never leaving it's polite tone. I may play a foolish, horny, bushy-haired, bookworm at times, but I know when to say something and how to say it.

"Get to work," he snarled, looking away from me. I rolled my eyes and took my seat. Work, work, work, that's what I'm doing. I'm doing his dirty work. What kind of instruction is this? 'Shred roots into quarter inch lengths, then hand them to me….Open jar, pour into a one inch thick basin, hand to me….Open package of Micer dust, hand to me.'

"Snape? Would you like me to press your robes before or after I'm done licking your boots?" I muttered to myself, wishing I could say it out loud. Well, Snape turns into a lazy, whiny baby with the thought of a secretary/slave/assistant. I'm not liking this very much, not at all.

"Miss Granger, did you say something?" Snape barked, looking up from his potion sharply and glaring angrily at me.

"I was singing to myself," I called, even thought he was very close to me. He rolled his eyes and went back to his potion, I might hit him. I can't tell what I miss, this Snape, who seems to be really annoying and mean, or my Snape who is mean, annoying, and evil…Really, it's like choosing between your children, which I tend to think must be easier than parents say. If I have a child who is rude, pisses me off, and eats more than a third world country, I am obviously not going to save them when my house bursts into flames.

"…pay attention!" Snape bellowed at me. I turned to him, shocked. He glared at me again, his eyes wrinkling in disbelief. "You sleeve is on fire!"

"Ah!" I cried and flapped it onto the desk, lighting some of his ingredients and a bit of parchment. Funnily enough, depending on where you're looking at the from, Snape dove for the ingredients first, before my burning body. I glared at him. "Did you just-" I cried out, my mouth unable to form sentences. In a moment of panic he wrenched my robes off of my body. I shivered as the cold air bit into my sweater-clad arms. I stared at him in disbelief. "Did you just try and save your potion?" I bellowed. My breathing was still heavy and post-panic.

"Now Miss Granger, there's no reason to get upset-"

"No reason to get upset?" I bellowed, my voice cracking in shock. "I was ON FIRE! I was lit aflame and you went for you piece of paper and a root the size of a penny! Apparently, my burning flesh wasn't as important as say a plant!" There was a ringing silence.

"Now, you're really making a mountain out of a molehill," Snape said, his voice dismissive.

**Annoying Snape**

**Thirty Minutes Later**

I wonder if I can push some that cauldron into his crotch and see what he says….

"Are you done with those potions, Miss Granger?" Snape asked, he looked up from his papers and knitted his eyebrows. Potions….Why was that ringing a bell….?

HOLY MOTHER OF SHININNY! I forgot to do those potions he said were my final potions. He's going to be so angry at me! He's going to yell at me again. You would think after he nearly left me for dead, he would have a little more compassion. Nope.

"I wanted to make sure that they-" I began.

"You didn't do them, did you?" Snape said, his voice was low and waspish.

"No, sir," I mumbled. I looked down at my hands, my cheeks flaming with inner disgust. How could I forget about a potion? In my entire two hours as a Potion Apprentice I've never forgotten a potion, never! Maybe I'm ill-

"If you're kindly done daydreaming," Snape called, interrupting my growing list of possibilities to what could be wrong with me. "I would suggest you get back to work. I could have asked a third year to come here after class and waste me time, as you've been doing. Get to work or else." He spat, his eyes flashing with anger. Well, if his cranky pants aren't on a little too tight today!

"Yes, sir," I said, my guilty voice switching on. It's almost like a clapper, all I have to do is shift my eyes and it turns on. Really useful for when I should be sorry and I'm not. Example: Now.

"Well get on with it! I don't have all night," Snape yelled, throwing down his quill. That man is seriously one notch away from a menstruating woman. I really wanted to ask him what would happen if he did have all night, then could I take my time? However, it was now a Wednesday night and I did have an early class tomorrow.

"Yes, sir," I replied again, not really screaming obscenities at him. I think it was rude to do that to someone who doesn't love you. I'm also afraid he'd kill me. An hour later I was done. "I'm done, sir," I called out. He strode over, looked into my cauldron and nodded. "Is that all?"

"No, there is one last thing I need you to do for me."

**Annoying Snape**

**Eleven Minutes Later**

"They don't have mint hot chocolate, so I got you regular," I said, a little out of breath. I believe Snape said something like, 'Get back here before I really loose my patience with you!' I don't know exactly how long that gave me, but I wasn't one to waste my time and quickly ran to the kitchen and back to the dungeons in under eleven minutes. My lungs think I'm dying and my heart agrees so it's furiously trying to beast faster and revive me as my lungs continue to close up. However, my brain is telling them they're both idiots and I'm fine. So far, no one's winning in this early stage of war.

"It's fine, Miss Granger," Snape said taking it from me without a second glance. He placed it on the desk and walked away from it, not taking a sip of it.

"It's eighty-seven degrees, just like you asked," I added, lightly as though to hide my erupting temper. He just waved it away dismissively.

"Thank you," he repeated and sank back down on the stool. I glared at him.

"You know, not a lot of people could run from the kitchens with a large hot chocolate in their hands, in less than eleven minutes," I said, offhandedly.

"Mm-hmm," Snape muttered, not listening to me. I paused, bit my lip, and swallowed a million remarks. "Hand me that quill, will you?"

"This one?" I asked holding one up. He looked at it, nodded, and snapped his fingers at me. As if I were a dog. He snapped his fingers at me. "Do I have a tail?" I finally burst out. He looked up at me, seemingly shocked at my outburst. "Well, I did at one point, but I don't anymore, and, just so you know, it was a cat's tail so it doesn't even count. I really want this silly little Apprenticeship to work out because frankly I plan on making something of myself, seeing as good grades isn't going to take me far, this is important to me. So let me just say that you snapping at me like I'm a dog doesn't make me feel more at ease or even as your equal, in fact, it makes me feel worse than a house-elf. So from now on, if you would please call me Granger or Miss. Granger, whatever you prefer, that would be GREAT!"

Snape sipped his hot chocolate and looked back down at the paper. No reply, no I'm sorry, nothing. I waited another minute. "You may leave, Miss Granger," Snape said, his voice dull with boredom. So not only do I look like a dog, I'm also like his minion.

"Fine," I said, calmly. I gathered my things and slammed from the room as loudly as I could. I turned back to look at him, then flipped my hair over my shoulder and strode out, slamming the heavy door behind me. Frigging Snape better get his memories back or I'll kill him. First of all, that was completely rude of him to do! I get that I'm annoying, but really he's an asshole sometimes! He didn't even ask if I wanted any hot chocolate!

**Annoying Snape**

**Me No Likey **

"So he doesn't have his memories? At all?" Ginny asked, her voice sounding shocked and slightly amused. "Wow, you really must get to people if they have to physically erase you from their minds just to get some peace."

"Bite me," I snapped, shifting my heavy bag. "It explains why he had no recollection of anything we had done. If I hadn't seen the bottles of his memories, I would have figured it out. I'm not an idiot."

"Today," Ginny muttered.

"Huh?"

"Nothing," she said with a bright smile, I narrowed my eyes at her and she quickly changed the subject. "So are you going to start all over again? Try and rebuild the relationship you had?"

"NO," I said, my voice dropping again with something quite like sadness. "I'm taking this as a sign. I think this is a blessing in disguise. If the world wanted us to date, they would have showed it."

"What do you expect them to do? Shoot you into the past?" Ginny asked, her voice teasing. I shrugged and looked around, searching for my quill. "You're going to be late," Ginny snapped at me, just as the warning bell rang again.

"Go on without me," I snarled, not wanting to listen to her harp on about me. She left with a huffy, 'Fine! God!' and left me to myself in the slowly emptying halls.

"You're going to be late," a cold, bored voice drawled above me. I looked up to see Snape sneering angrily at me, as though I had angered him.

"I know, I dropped some of my things," I said, my cheeks flaming slightly. There was a long pause and he just stood there. "Nice weather we're having, huh?" He stomped away from me.

I dashed into class just as the bell rang. My victory dance was cut short when McGonagall shoved past me, a sour look on her face as she snapped at Dean, who managed to shrink Lavender's blouse to a very small size. "Get that back to normal right now, Thomas!" McGonagall bellowed, her cheeks flushing slightly in anger. Dean took no notice, neither did Lavender who was smiling warmly at him.

"Hey, Hermione, why don't you ever let us do that to you?" Ron asked, his voice teasing and joking. I felt myself heat up.

"Because with your wand-waving skills, I'd probably be obliterated," I snapped, angry at him for making himself and Harry stare at my chest. Which was nice I guess. If you like that sort of thing. Ron scowled.

"How's that thing with Snape?" Harry asked, his eyes darkening every time Snape was mentioned. They waited for me to cough my way out of Neville's smoke before I answered.

"Fine, fine," I said, still coughing. "Mother of Merlin, Neville! Wave your wand, don't jab it! If I wanted to inhale smoke I'd suck a smoker's face."

A/N Please read and review. Sadly, by no fault of my own, I will not be on the computer late Sunday through who knows when because of Wilma. Stupid bitch is heading straight towards where I live, once again by no fault of my own, we'll blame my parents for that one, so I'll be back on soon. I refuse to be killed by anything named Wilma, so you'll have to be as patient as you can be until power comes back.


	23. Part 1 of 2

**Annoying Snape**

**Hot Tamale's. **

"Well, that's pleasant," I said sarcastically as Ron and Harry trudged in looking windswept and muddy. "Nothing that turns me on than sweaty men up to their armpits in mud."

"Oh, Harry? Do you hear a weird screechy sound coming from the corner?" Ron asked, glaring over at me. I just smiled sarcastically. "How 'bout conjuring me up some towels?"

"How about bite me," I snapped and smiled at his crestfallen face. "I'm sorry, don't they have showers down near the pitch."

"Someone sent off dung bombs," Harry said, shaking his head. "I was all for showering in the crap until someone pointed out that there were dung bombs up in the pipes."

"Now how would one get a dung bomb up a pipe?" I asked, closing my book. Harry shrugged and Ron glared at me again.

"What kind of bullshit question is that?" he asked, muttering darkly under his breath.

"It's a perfectly reasonable question, Ron," I snapped. "Much better than asking why the sky is blue and not made of turkey." Ron colored slightly.

"That was a very reasonable question! We were talking about they sky and I was just wondering why someone would make it out of something so useless," Ron said angrily.

"The sky is not useless Ron," I snapped. "How would a sky of turkey help us out?"

"Because you could eat it," he said defiantly.

"So?" I replied. "What would that do for us?"

"It would end world hunger," Ron said, like it was the most obvious answer.

"How would the sun reach us?" I snapped.

"It would roast the turkey and burn holes into it," Ron said again. He was staring at me as thought it were the most simple thing in the world.

"Well, that's great. Then you've got the sun boring into you," I said sarcastically. Ron rolled his eyes again.

"Honestly, how powerful is the sun anyways? It's like what? This big?" he asked, holding out his hand the exact lenghth it looks if you've done it from on the ground.

I nearly fell out of my chair at his stupidity. Harry was laughing into his hand. "Ron, the sun is millions of miles away."

"Then it shouldn't be a problem then," he said.

"Here's your fucking towel."

**Annoying Snape**

**Potions Class**

I've thought about all the reasons why Snape may have taken his memories away. It's been bugging me, as I think it would bug most people, and I've made a very nice list.

**1) He did it by mistake.**

**2) I annoyed him so much he did it as a last resort.**

**3) He was witness to an attack by the Italian mob.**

**4) He saw the movie Gigli and couldn't get it out of his mind.**

**5) He saw Dumbledore naked.**

**6) He saw Lucious Malfoy naked.**

**7) He saw Filch naked.**

**8) He saw Voldemort naked.**

**9) He did it because he heard it takes ten years off of your life.**

**10) He has a very annoying song stuck in his head.**

**11) He wanted to make sure no one could get them later.**

**12) He's trying it out for a potion.**

**13) There's so much crap stuffed into his head he had to pick and choose his memories.**

**14) He's spring cleaning.**

**15) They fell out.**

So far nothing really looks promising. Anything is up for game and I really couldn't tell which one I think it is, although if I had to guess it would probably be number 2. I honestly hope it is not 5 through 8. That would most likely kill me.

"Miss Granger, care to share?" Snape called across the room. Share…? Shit, shit, shit.

"No," I said with a smile. "It's alright. I'm good."

"Can I see that please?" Snape said, standing up and striding over to me. I paused for a moment before crumbling it up and stuffing it down my shirt.

"See what?" I asked stupidly. I was aware of the people gaping at me again as if I'm a circus clown. Snape looked slightly embarrassed and furious.

"The paper you just shoved down your…" he stopped speaking, his face red with embarrassment. "Ten points from Gryffindor! And a detention."

"Before or after my Apprenticeship?" I asked, not trying to be a pest. I really need to know if I should come early or stay late.

"Before," he spat before dismissing the class. "Stay behind, Miss Granger!" No!

"Yes, sir," I said politely and stayed seated. Ron gave me a look before departing. Harry seemed to stall as long as possible before walking out of the room. The door closed and Snape stared at me for a moment.

"Give me that paper," Snape said angrily. "I would like to see what was so important that you insisted on writing it during my class."

"Sir, did it ever occur to you that it was just my notes?" I asked simply. "I may be the smartest person of my year-"

"And the most modest," he cut in sarcastically.

"It was just my notes," I said firmly, trying not to blush under his stare. He peered at me for a moment before inclining his head to the left slightly.

"If you say so," he replied. Just like that! Other Snape who's in love with me, totally would have been all up in my face…or dare I say it, he would have shoved his hand right down my shirt to grab it…his knuckles grazing my nip- "Miss Granger?" Snape asked, his voice sounded louder. I realized immediately that my face was flushed, my breathing was out of control, and I may have moaned. "Are you alright?" Snape was peering at my face again.

"Yeah," I said quickly. "I just got a little whoozy a moment ago…sorry."

"No problem," Snape said, his voice sharp. "I expect you at my door no later than six, no earlier than five-forty-five. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir," I mumbled. "Crystal."

"Good then, out of my sight," he barked. I left the room quickly and slowly tramped down the halls.

**Annoying Snape**

**12 Hours Alone, In Close Quarters with Snape**

**Can anyone else say fun? (sarcastic voice turned on)**

"Carry that over here, Miss Granger," Snape bellowed as I teetered under a box that weighed as much as I expected a small country to. What in the hell was in here that made my back bend so far back I could see right up my own skirt if I turned my neck? If you insist on making a box so large it's the equivalent to a penthouse for the homeless people, at least make it for something manageable. Pillows, maybe. Not books and glass containers. "Are you even looking where you're going?" Snape roared, after I bumped into yet another wall. No, I am not looking where I'm going. I can't even see over the fucking box. All I can see is brown. Brown cardboard which is caving out and threatening to burst in my face. I swear if I take a book in the eye I'll kill him.

"I'm sorry," I grunted, not sorry. "I've never had to carry Neville's weight in box form. What is in here? Why couldn't you repackage in small boxes? I would have willingly taken seventy small boxes instead of one monstrous box."

"Will you stop your incessant whining?" Snape bellowed again, walking down along another slender hallway. "In case you've forgotten, I'm also carrying a similar box and listening to you moan about it doesn't make it easier for me!"

"I think my back cracked…It actually feels quite nice actually….I think my feet are slowing down….Am I moving?" I asked, my body seemed to stall, unable to go further.

"What part of shut up do you not understand?" Snape spat.

"You didn't tell me to shut up," I said, my pouty voice on, as he couldn't actually see it. I also didn't dare put it on, any off balance would surely topple me. "I wouldn't have continued talking if you told me to shut up."

"Well now I'm telling you, shut up," Snape snarled. I sighed and didn't say anymore. This seemed to upset him further and he now staggered moodily down the halls. After a moment I slammed into something very cushy and nearly bounced back.

"Did I hit another wall?" I asked, trying to peer around the box.

"No, Miss Granger, you knocked into me," Snape said, his voice trying to stay calm about it. I could see his angry face turned so far up it makes those pictures of Voldemort look like a smiling school child.

"You could have given me some warning, you know," I barked and stepped back a little. I nearly tripped and let out a scream of fear.

"What? What happened?" Snape asked, either urgency from pain or fear in his voice. "Are you alright?"

"Someone carved their name into this stone," I pointed out. Snape made another noise of anger and placed his box down.

"Put your box down," he ordered. I did so and felt the weight lift from my arms as if an angel gave them a playful little tug.

"I think I may be growing some muscles…." I commented lightly and showed him my arm. "What do you think?"

"I think that if your arm isn't out of my face by the time I'm done with this speech, I'm going to tear it from your body and beat you senseless with it," Snape bellowed. I backed away, not sure whether I should smile or burst into tears. I settled for a mixture.

"I was just-" I began and trailed off, my entire body taking on a pout. Snape rolled his eyes and began to load stuff into the store room. "Wouldn't this be better done with magic?"

"If I used magic then where would you punishment be?" Snape asked angrily.

"I'm here on an Apprenticeship! There shouldn't be any punishment," I said, looking at Snape incredulously. He didn't reply.

"Will you kindly stop gaping and start loading everything into the room? I have to check on something," Snape said wiping his hands on his robes.

"Sure," I said, eyeing the box again. "So any particular order or just stack everything on the shelf."

"Everything should be in Latin alphabetical order," Snape said staring at a box in confusion. His brown unknotted and he turned back to me. "Do not use your wand for this. It should only take you ten minutes without a wand and I would like you to get into the habit of using your wand less and less."

"Fine," I said with an angry sigh.

"Now I'll be right over here in this room if you need anything…" he said, backing away and still looking at me. "I'm trusting you can do this with minimal supervision." There it was.

"Yes," I said with another sigh. "I'm not an idiot." He snorted as though he thought differently and stepped into the other room. I went to work stacking everything up in order. Ten minutes my ass! This was going to take at least a day.

I yanked down a box in order to stand on it. In doing so, I tugged a piece of tarp that had dozens and dozens of bottles resting on it. They came down with an almighty bang, as well as the entire empty shelf. The effect made the walls shake. I stood there for a moment, completely frozen in place. The shelf, which had fallen moments before, nearly landed on top of me.

I poked my head out of the door with a smile. "Ignore that! It was nothing!" I screamed. I ran back and tried to clean up the mess.

"What in the bloody hell was that?" Snape roared, I could hear him coming closer. I went to the open door and closed it over, leaving space for my body to come out. He sped out of his room looking tense. "Miss Granger what was that?"

"What was what?" I asked stupidly.

"That bang," Snape snapped.

"Oh…the bang…Yeah, it was nothing really," I said with a laugh and a shrug. "I dropped an empty vial on the floor and it crashed…That bang?"

"Miss Granger the pictures on my walls shook with the force of impact. Do not insult my intelligence by telling me you just dropped a vial." he snarled. I felt my stomach contract in fear. "Move aside so I can assess the damage."

"Alright, but may I just say that I'm unharmed and that it was an honest mistake?" I asked quickly before he shoved me aside. His face hardened at the sight of the mess.

"Go get my wand," he snarled. I went and got it for him as quickly as I could. When I arrive back, he waved it and everything was put away in their correct spots, the mess completely gone. "Go put it back." Jeez! You'd think I committed murder the way he was going on about it. I left the room and returned a moment later, for a second he looked very happy to see me. "Don't let the door shut, it locks automatically-"

"What?" I asked. BAM! The door closed over and I turned back it. Snape was gaping at it, his face one of pure disbelief and outrage.

"Don't close the door!" he bellowed.

"Alright," I snapped. "Hold on." I went to the door and tried the handle to no avail, it wouldn't open. "I think your door's stuck or something." Panic was seeping into my chest. "Snape I think your door's stuck!"

"Do you think?" Snape shouted, his face seemed tight and drawn. "Well, that's just great! And now I'm stuck in a closet with you!"

"Once again, I don't understand your emphasis on the word YOU," I said, not teasing. "Is it supposed to be an insult, should I be proud?"

"Three seconds in and she's already started," Snape was muttering to himself. Excuse me, but I didn't start anything, I am just a curious person. "Sir down, shut up, and don't speak until spoken too! Understood?" I didn't answer and he glared at me. "Understood?" I didn't answer. "MISS GRANGER!" I didn't answer. Finally after it looked like he may just kill me, he plopped down opposite me and turned his face away, so that no eye contact could be made. And so it begins…

**Annoying Snape**

**Bored**

Bored. I'm bored.

Somebody kill me. Slowly though, so I'll have something to think about. I've already counted the stones on the wall, the ceiling and the floor. I've decided that, with out combined weight and Snape's sarcasm, this room would be very heavy to lift. I've seen that if I were to fill it up with water it would take if the water was filling in at one miles and hour…then two….then three….then fourteen….then twenty-seven….then forty-one…

"Stop breathing so loudly," Snape finally bellowed. I stopped breathing for a moment and he seemed happy, then I took in a breath and he glared at me. "Did you not hear me?" he roared.

"I heard you perfectly," I snapped finally turning to him. "If I stop breathing loudly, then I stop breathing!"

"That's a risk I'm willing to take," Snape shot back. I rolled my eyes.

"And once again the award for most uncompassionate goes to none other than Severus Snape," I said sarcastically. He fixed me with an icy stare and then looked back at his wall, which has three hundred and forty four stones on it.

Bored.

Two hours later

Alright, so if you do try and rip a hang nail it will hurt just as much as throwing vinegar over a wound…I now understand why Ginny is always swearing. She's a nervous nail biter and bites her nails when she's happy, sad, mad, awake, breathing, so she must run into hang nails. Although I also wonder what happens if she runs OUT of nail to bite…I did see her glancing almost hungrily at mine yesterday and hers were looking pretty stubby…Note to self: Keep hands out of Ginny's mouth…

I turned to look at Snape was shocked out of my knickers to see him sleeping. His arms were crossed over each other and his face was relaxed and almost peaceful. Really, he doesn't look that bad when he sleeps. From this point of view you wouldn't suspect him of making young children cry…even adults for that matter. His lips weren't pierced in anger or boredom, his eyes were narrowed but loose and seemed to fit better in his head.

He shifted in his sleep and I jumped, almost yelping. Instead I managed to keep myself still and watch him for a moment or two…

Three hours later

Well, I awoke the beast. I'm allergic to dust and we are sitting in a closet that looks as though a house-elf never even looked in here. I saw a dust bunny that tried to suck me into it's clutches, a spider the size of a saucer, and something looked scarily like a kazoo in the corner. I wasn't in a good mood, so of course I suddenly had a wild urge to sneeze. It happened very suddenly and I did everything in my mortal power to stop it. I bit my lips, rubbed my eyes, pinched my nostrils. Then it happened, I sneezed and it sounded like someone had pinched my throat the way it came out a strangled cry.

Snape didn't seem to jump like some people would, he merely opened an eye and glared at me. I was thinking that he would get angry for me waking him from his sleep because he wanted to stay asleep, but it was quite the opposite.

"How long have I been asleep?" he barked at me.

"Twenty years. While you were asleep I had to procreate in order to save our dying species…I don't know, like an hour," I said finally when he glared at me again.

"You let me sleep for an hour?" he barked. He smoothed down his robes and turned away from me, completely ignoring my person sitting here. Fine by me.

Thirty minutes later.

I can hold me breath for two minutes and eight seconds before I pass out. Well, I'm assuming I'll pass out. I don't want to try out my findings just yet…Snape wasn't speaking to me, still looking at that damned wall. Now I was past hungry and well onto to famished. His head looked like a glazed ham with twice baked potatoes and broccoli.

"Miss Granger, you're gaping again!" Snape said.

"Pass the salt," I mumbled incoherently.

"I beg your pardon?" he asked, completely shocked. I snapped out of my daydream.

"I like your scarf!" I called loudly. He turned away from me and left me in silence…Well, this would just not do…at all….

A/N Please read and review. This is only part One. Also, before all you people review saying Gigli wasn't out yet, please take into consideration that I know. I'm not stupid…Thanks. And to those who ignore this and point it out anyways…I don't care.


	24. Part 2 of 3

**Annoying Snape**

**Six Hours and Going…**

I never knew just how loud silence can be. Also, it's very, very scary. I feel as though any minute a loud noise or a wall is going to fall on us. So far, Snape has ignored me for six hours. I've talked myself to the point that I'm now annoyed of my own voice. Because I'm now annoyed with myself, which will be very tiring later, I am retaliating. I'm asking Snape questions in order to provoke him.

"Why, exactly, would you drive all the way to the levy if you clearly knew it was dry?" I asked, this had to be my seventieth question in the last ten minutes. Snape breathed out through his nose and didn't answer me. "Or, I know! If you 'make love' and have an orgasm, couldn't you define love as an orgasm?" That did it. Snape blushed deeper then I've ever seen his cheeks become and he spluttered for a moment.

"What did you just say?" he asked in outrage. He finally turned to me and I managed to smile instead of burst into laughter. "I'm taking seventy-four points from your house!"

"Seventy-four?" I asked, a small smile playing on my lips. "That's a mighty random number."

"For every hour we've been in here I multiplied by twelve," Snape said in a hard voice. "Then I added the minutes and got seventy-four."

"Still, why twelve?" I asked, refolding my arms. "Pretty fucking random…"

"That's another twenty for your mouth, fifteen for messing with the room, and thirty for locking me in here with you!" he bellowed. I pursed my lips and then sighed. "Stop breathing loudly."

I almost said, "Make me," but I decided against it. Instead, I smiled brightly at him. "Do you want a back massage?"

"That's it," he cried, hopping up and striding over to the door. I waited for a moment and then watched him closely to see exactly why he was glaring at the door.

"What're you doing?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

"I'm calling for my wand," he snapped.

"Did you reach it?" I asked, smiling now, nearly laughing.

"No," he said tensely.

"Maybe it has a caller id and knows it's you," I suggested mildly. Snape didn't reply just glared at the door for a minute before plopping back into the seat, his head firmly in his hands.

"Do you ever shut up?" he asked, his voice pleading. "Right now, at this moment I would gladly take any thing the Dark Lord threw at me. Right now, I would sign up for endless hours of torture if it meant getting away from you. Right now, I would go back in time and sing a duet with Potter and Black. That is how much I hate this situation right now!" he bellowed. I waited a moment before turning to him.

"Just for the record," I said, "if the three of you sang at once it wouldn't be a duet." He slammed his head into the armrest of the chair and began to shake violently. I think he was crying.

**One Hour Later**

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands…CLAP, CLAP. If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands…CLAP, CLAP. If you're happy and you know it and you really want to show it….If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands….CLAP, CLAP!

Snape was sleeping again. A good thing too! We've been in here for about four and a half hours and so far all he's done if glare at me. As if this is my fault! I didn't know I shouldn't close the door, he didn't tell me. Last time I checked I wasn't a mind reader. If I was then a lot of things would be different.

He snored and turned over, clearly deep in sleep. I was so bored at this moment that I would also do anything just to leave this room. Bored, bored, bored, bored. Maybe I'll teach myself Hermionish for later on in case I ever need a code…So, the first letter in my alphabet will be…R-

Snape opened his eyes and glared at me. I was honestly not even doing anything, just planning on what my army would wear later after I take out that silly ministry. I wouldn't kill them, mind you, just have them back down so that I could rewrite some of the stupider laws they have.

"Can you look behind you and see if there's anything to drink?" Snape asked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. For a moment it seemed that he forgot who I was. Maybe he actually did just glare at everyone for being alive…insight….

"Sure," I replied and looked behind me. There were some broken vials, a box filled with crap, a hat, some gloves, a bagpipe, Amelia Earheart, and finally a water bottle. "Here," I said and tossed it to him. He drank it for a moment before handing it back to me.

"That you," he replied softly and rubbed his eyes.

"You're welcome," I answered just as softly and then settled back into my chair. Just in case anyone is thinking otherwise, I really had to pee. In fact I was almost ready to just take a piddle right there where I sat, velvet covered cushion be damned. Something called pride kept me from peeing myself in front of Snape. It could have been our history, or the fact that he was Snape, or even that he was my teacher, all I know is that I couldn't do it.

"I have to pee," I moaned out, twenty minutes later. I had crossed, re-crossed, and crossed my legs a million times before nearly wetting myself. "I don't know if there's a box or a hole I can go in, but I need to go to the bathroom right this minute." Silence. That was all that met my ears. After a moment Snape gave an angry growl.

"Can't you hold it?" he asked impatiently.

"If I could hold it then do you think I would ask you to dig me a hole to piss in? If I could hold it, I would," I snarled angrily. What a stupid question. 'Can you hold it?'

"I think there's a basin in the corner," he barked and turned away. I looked around and sure enough, set against the far wall was an old, outdated toilet.

"Not that I'm complaining," I said and he snorted, "but what, exactly, is a toilet doing in the storage room?" He turned to me, something like surprise written on his face.

"This used to be part of a dormitory for a professor…didn't you know?" he asked, mocking me. I frowned at him and then he turned away. "Listen, are you going to use the bathroom or not?"

"I guess," I snapped and got up, nearly peeing in the process. "Can you cover your ears or sing? Could you sing for me?" Once again I was fixed with a look of pure disbelief.

"You want me to sing?" he asked incredulously. "When have I ever given the impression that I would be willing to sing?"

"I can't go if you're listening to me go," I snarled, crossing my legs again. "In no less than ten seconds, we're going to have an accident in here and I know you don't want to smell piss for the rest of the night-"

"Happy birthday to you….Happy birthday to you," Snape sang. I nearly burst into laughter, but my overflowing bladder kept it inside as I jumped onto the toilet and peed. Snape finished and I flushed the toilet.

"Thank you," I said happily and sat back down on my chair.

"You're not welcome."

"Alright."

**Ten Minutes Later**

"If I can't fidget, you can't fidget," I barked, ten minutes later. All he had been doing for ten minutes was shifting and rubbing his legs together. Like what was that exactly?

"I can't help it," he snarled, his teeth clenched. I turned to see his face strained and angry. Well this would be fun, he looked like he was dying.

"Are you alright?" I asked. He glared at me again. "One day your face is going to stick like that and you won't be able to smile anymore. Then what will you do when you want to smile?" He gave me a look that clearly said, 'And why would I be smiling?' so I answered him. "What if Neville turns himself into…a girl? Or Harry's skin turns blue. Then what? People will think you're upset about it instead of weirdly pleased. Your reputation will be shot and people will think you've gone soft. From then on everyone will insist that you care about Harry Potter. It won't matter that you're mean throughout the rest of the year. It'll be all over school. Snape…cares. I shudder to think of the repercussions. I'm thinking it would be up there with the world ending and hell freezing over…"

"Did that rambling bullshit have a point?" he snarled. I opened my mouth, closed it, and thought. Then I smiled at him.

"Don't you think it would? I went on quite a bit back there," I said with a sigh. Suddenly I had an idea. "Did you know that Malfoy loves you?"

Snape spluttered for fifteen minutes before turning to me, his cheeks on fire and his eyes wide. "He does not," he finally managed. I simply smiled at him and shrugged. "Miss Granger I don't know what you're getting at-"

"He does though! He told me!" I insisted. Hey, if Snape wanted to be a selfish asshole and hide his memories then why can't I at least have some fun?

"Keep quiet and stop your ranting," Snape barked. I sighed again.

"I think someone shies away from lurve," I said, a small pouty smile on my face. Snape made a disgruntled noise and ignored me. "And why shouldn't he love you?"

"Because I'm twenty years his senior, it's wrong and I'm his godfather," Snape roared and then fell silent, his entire body shaking. I looked at him in shock.

"Why?" I asked, shortly after.

"Because Lucius Malfoy asked me-"

"No, no," I snapped, rolling my eyes. "I get why you're his godfather. Why is it wrong for him to be in love with you?" Snape didn't answer me.

**Half Hour Later**

"Turn around," Snape said, standing up and snapping his fingers at me. Once again do I look like a dog or the third member in a singing quartet? No. Therefore I do not appreciate your snapping.

"Excuse me?" I asked, snapping out of my sleep. I was having a really good dream, too! There were brightly colored fish and a water slide that was filled with orange soda. "I was sleeping."

"Well-I have to use the lav and I would kindly appreciate it if you got up and turned away for a moment," he said, his face red.

I never thought that we would both need to use the bathroom. I honestly didn't even think Snape knew how to use the bathroom. It was just something I didn't think about. I also never thought he would wear silk boxers. We all know now that I'm wrong.

"You need to use the bathroom?" I asked, my voice higher than usual. "That one over there? That toilet over there by the window, not even ten feet from me?"

"Yes!" he snapped, shifting his weight to his left foot. His face seemed desperate and I wanted to see how far I could take this before he really got angry.

"I can hear everything you do, don't you know?" I asked, smirking. Snape puffed out a long breath of air before turning angrily to me.

"Just get up!" he yelled, clenching his hands around his robes. "Please?" he added, almost as an afterthought. Once again it seemed odd to come out of his mouth because it was usually followed by something rude.

"Alright," I sighed and hopped up. I walked to the corner and turned around, waiting. There was a long strained silence and I tried not to listen to him shifting again.

"Could you sing?" he asked. I turned to him, shocked. "I did it for you!"

"Fine," I snarled and thought. "What're you in the mood for? I know some gospel and some alternative. I know a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll," I said, laughing slightly.

"Just scream if you have to," he barked.

"Wont that scare it back up?" I asked. There was a loud bang that sounded as though he had thrown something to stay calm.

"I didn't make you beg," he bellowed.

"Fine," I replied again. "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, Some people started singing it not knowing what it was And they'll continue singing it forever just because,  
This is the song that never ends...This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, Some people started singing it not knowing what it was And they'll continue singing it forever just because,  
This is the song that never ends...This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, Some people started singing it not knowing what it was And they'll continue singing it forever just because,  
This is the song that never ends...This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, Some people started singing it not knowing what it was And they'll continue singing it forever just because,  
This is the song that never ends.…"

"Alright," Snape said, sounding slightly in awe. "What, dare I ask, was that song?"

"The never ending song," I replied, smiling slightly. "Lamchops used to sing it. What I like to do is sing it for a while then start to look nervous and finally just start freaking out and begin scratching my throat, meanwhile singing the song. It's incredibly fun to do somewhere crowded."

"You never cease to amaze me," Snape said almost softly. I whipped my head up to him and then looked down, not sure what he meant.

"Well…I try," I said loudly. "That was quite the pee you took."

**One Hour Later**

"Can I ask you a question?" I asked timidly. He sighed again but didn't exactly snapped at me, which I think was a big improvement. I waited a moment, trying desperately to get a reaction from him. Something I hadn't had in about seven hours.

"I guess if you must," he said through clenched teeth. I swallowed and tried to regain some confidence. For the first time, I was actually afraid to say something to him. So far no one had noticed we're gone and he could really kill me before someone came to get us.

"Why did you take your memories of me away?" I asked quietly.

**To Be Continued**

A/N Hello all. I was away in Rhode Island for the weekend and didn't have the chance to get near a computer. I would just like to say that this chapter may seem slow and all blah and whatnot, but it'll get better. In the next chapter you will find out why he gets his memories taken away, he gets them back, and then SOMETHING happens. I wont say what. If you think it's something naughty then shame on you, you'll just have to wait. I like it though. I want to keep this story going, so all the loose ends will be tied up. I understand that everyone hated Snape without his memories, but it gets so much better! I promise. Read and review and I'll get you another chapter, hopefully, by tomorrow afternoon. Also, sorry this chapter is so short, I have trick-or-treaters and was placed in charge of handing out candy…I've eaten more than I've given out…Anyways, sorry for the short length. Happy Halloween!


	25. Part 3 of 4 and a Big UhOh

**Annoying Snape**

**Uh-oh**

Have you ever done something so absolutely stupid that it makes you cringe and heat up, even years later. This must be what it feels like to fling yourself off your roof and have on realization: Your Spice Girls pillow case isn't going to break your fall. Or it actually does hurt if you place your palm on a running burner. Or tin foil will probably set a massive fire if placed into a running microwave. This is like jumping of the Astronomy tower and nodding, while thinking, "Right…so I CAN'T fly without a broom….good to know."

Snape just stared at me for the longest time. Part of me wanted desperately to take it back, to plunge my hands for where the gold chain used to sit. To swipe that look off of his face. His mouth was working furiously and I started to get ready to run away from him because it seemed as if he would lunge any moment.

"Miss Granger-" he began, his voice so deadly is scared me. Just then the door burst open and Filch stood outside looking confused.

"I heard signing and thought maybe Peeves had trapped some students down here," Filch explained to Snape. I didn't wait and just hopped up as though burned and fled the room as fast as my feet could take me. I ran and ran until I finally reached the dorm. By then it was nearly eight in the morning and I had been in the closet with Snape most of the night.

"Fairy eggs," I rasped to the Fat Lady and waited for her to let me in. my breathing was rapid and uncontrolled. She turned to look at me, almost confused.

"And where, exactly, were you?" she snapped, pointing her closed fan at me. I could almost hear Snape getting closer with every minute. This was it, he was going to kill me. I could tell.

"Eating breakfast," I lied. "Listen, can you just let me in? I just gave you the password. It isn't your job to nose into other people's business," I snapped. The Fat Lady looked as though I had slapped her.

"In all my years-" she gasped, now spreading out her fan and fanning herself. Before she could yell at me or worse, deny me entrance, the portrait flew open and a sleepy looking Ron came out. He stared at me for a moment before tugging me into the Common Room.

"Where the bleeding hell were you? Out all night! You didn't even tell us where you were going!" Ron bellowed, shoving me into a cushy chair. I gaped at him, too startled to think straight.

"I'm sorry! It wasn't my fault!" I cried, placing my hand on my chest. Ron just rolled his eyes.

"We thought Malfoy did something to you! Oh!" he cried, suddenly looking frightened. "I should tell Harry to let Malfoy out of the choke-hold…Be right back." He scurried away to leave me sitting on the chair, still breathing deeply.

"Hermione!" someone familiar cried. I turned to see Ginny hurrying quickly down the stairs, followed shortly by Ron and then Harry. She flung herself into my arms as I stood up and squeezed the life out of me. "Where were you? You were out all night…Hermione! You didn't! Please tell me you didn't! You slept with him didn't you?"

"Shh!" I very nearly screamed and pressed her head further into my chest. "Of course I didn't sleep with him you idiot." Ron and Harry looked too shocked to speak. Me, an obvious virgin, even discussing sex?

"I knew I shouldn't have left you alone with him! You can't seem to leave him alone!" Ginny cried loudly, pacing back and forth, her breathing heavy. "I mean you gave him a blowjob just because it was there!" I didn't even look at Ron and Harry.

"Ginny, stop it!" I hissed. No one else had heard her yet and I didn't want the whole Common Room knowing about my escapades.

"Oh, I should have stopped you-" CRASH! I flung a vase over her head and she crumpled to the floor, knocked out. Still, no one looked up from their busy lives. It really makes me feel comforted to know that I could have killed Ginny in the middle of the room, and still no one looks up.

"Hermione!" Ron cried, bending down to check her head. "You could have killed her! What the shit is the matter with you?"

"I'm sorry!" I gasped, clasping onto my chest. Three seconds later I was sobbing big, baby tears that wouldn't go away. Nothing I did could make them go away. I needed to make them stop, I wanted to go back. I didn't like who I was now. I didn't like what he's reduced me to. "I'll be right back…" I left the Common Room, unsure of where I was going. My feet were dragging me somewhere, I didn't know where, that would help me through this mess I've put myself into. It didn't occur to me that I may end up at Dumbledore's office with tears in my eyes and a plan formulated in my head. "Lemon Drop," I offered and it sprung apart instantly. Anyone who takes even a moment to think knows that his passwords change every seventeen days and have a certain pattern. I did some quick math and saw that today would have to be Lemon Drop. Yes, I'm that good.

The stairs carried me up around the sloping walls. Once inside, on solid ground, I saw a large office. Shelves filled with crap lined the walls, large windows behind a giant desk. A man with silvery white hair and a matching beard was scratching himself notes on a roll of parchment.

"Ah, Miss Granger, I wondered when I'd get to see you this year," Dumbledore said kindly as soon as he felt me standing there. "Come sit down. Let's chat."

"Yes, sir," I said, obediently. I sat in a red velvet chair and was instantly handed a warm butterbeer. I took a sip of it, and nearly spit it out as I realized my stomach was too jittery to take anything in. "I need to ask you about something."

"Anything," Dumbledore answered promptly.

"I need you take some things away from me," I said, my voice beginning to shake. Dumbledore raised his eyebrows but didn't speak. "I've done some really stupid things this year and I don't want to have to think about them anymore…I'm asking you to take my memories and place them in a pensive." There was a polite silence. "Also, I've just slammed a vase over Ginny Weasley's head so Harry, Ron, and she need the same memories taken away also…Oh! And I just said something to Snape that would probably be best is he forgot it."

"Miss Granger, this is a huge request from an old man," Dumbledore said softly. I nodded once and felt tears in my eyes.

"I just don't know what else to do," I said, feeling a sob coming back. "I've made a lot of mistakes and I can't do it anymore. I'm always on edge, I lie to my friends, I've grown apart from my friends, even! I don't know who Harry and Ron are anymore. My school work has suffered considerably and I just nearly killed my best friend!" Once again there was a polite silence.

"If this is what you want-" Dumbledore began. My head shot up, my eyes hopeful. "I think that maybe we can do something for you. Of course, if you told the Ministry we'd both be shipped off to a few years in Azkaban."

"I promise I wont tell anyone," I said instantly. "I won't even remember, right? Do we need to ask them?" Dumbledore shook his head once.

"Right," Dumbledore said, heaving himself up. "I'm going to call your friends here first, then after you leave, I'll call Severus." My cheeks flamed up.

"Can I ask you a question, sir?" I asked. Dumbledore glanced at me as though he already knew the answer. "Why did Snape get his memories taken away?"

"I daresay the same reasons as you, am I correct?" Dumbledore replied. I didn't answer and just stared down at my hands for a long moment. We waited in silence and then suddenly I heard voices.

"…don't know why! Maybe something happened with Voldemort and we needed to go over a plan or something!" Harry was saying, sounding nervous.

"Maybe something happened with dad?" Ron asked nervously.

"Then why would they call Harry, Ron?" Ginny snapped.

"Maybe he saw it happen again!" Ron cried.

"I think I would tell you if I saw your father being attacked, you big dumb retard," Harry snapped and the doors slid open. The three of them looked shocked when they saw me sitting there. "Hermione." Ginny and Ron glared at me and I just managed a small smile back.

"You've all been called here for a very important reason," Dumbledore said, his eyes looking heavy. "I'm going to put all four of you to sleep and extract some memories. Any problems?" Everyone shook their heads no. "Alright, Mr. Potter, you're first." Harry lay down on the couch and his memories were zapped out of his head with the force of a vacuum. His eyes fluttered and he stayed sleeping. "Mr. Weasley?" Ron and Ginny were the same. Finally, it was my turn. "Miss Granger," Dumbledore said kindly. I smiled and sat down on the chair, waited and felt as though my brain was doing the cha-cha. My eyes fluttered as I felt myself being tugged from my sleep. Things were going away, I couldn't remember yesterday…I couldn't remember-

There was a bright light being shone into my eyes. What the-? I sat up and glanced around the room, only to see I was placed in the Hospital Wing.

"Ouch!" someone, in the next bed, gasped. I saw some red hair and smiled as Ginny came into view. My head was pounding with such a force it nearly knocked me out again. "Holy fuck!" she swore, clasping her hands onto her head.

"Ginny?" I asked, knowing it was her. "Where are we?"

"I'm going to say the Hospital Wing," Harry said sarcastically from the bed next to Ginny's. "That's just my guess though. Although I have been in here at least twenty-eight times already, at least."

"Who the hell is being loud at this hour?" Ron snapped. I turned to my right to see him sleeping, his pillow curled tightly in his arms.

"Ron, do you know what happened?" I asked, feeling as though something in my head was missing. I couldn't remember what happened…All I remember was I was going to sleep and I had Potions first thing the next morning…

"No," Ron snapped, his eyes still clenched shut.

"Ah," Dumbledore cried from the doorway. "Up, I see?"

"Yes, sir," Harry answered, rubbing his eyes sleepily. "Do you know what happened?"

"I believe that a bad case of memory removal was placed into your goblets," Dumbledore said. I frowned in thought. "No need to fear, you four have just missed the last six months of your life." Everyone looked as though that were something to fear.

"Six months!" I cried. "How could I have missed six months?" Oh, god. I'm having a heart attack…this is what it feels like….

"Don't worry," Dumbledore said. "We'll have you caught up soon enough."

Four hours later we were allowed to leave the hospital wing and wander around the school before going to class the next day. Something wasn't right about Dumbledore's explanation. He didn't even seem worried about who was trying to make us stupid.

"I'm going to eat," Ron finally said. "I'm fricking starved. Anyone in?"

"Me," Ginny said, she turned to me with a smile. "Are you going to be alright?"

"Me? I'm fine. I think I'm going to go for a walk…" I said, frowning.

"Well, I'm starved," Harry exclaimed. "Let's go. Hermione, we'll meet later and see how much homework we have to do?"

"Sure," I said and watched them leave. I let out a sigh and walked down the hall. Something wasn't right about what had happened. First of all, those three are the dumbest idiots I have ever met in my entire life. They can't even tell something is off? Plus, they totally took the whole memory removal potion with a nod and a shrug as though it happens every day.

My shoulder knocked into someone's. "Sorry," I gasped, looking up to see Snape standing there.

A/N SHORT, I KNOW! YOU NEED TO JUST STICK WITH ME. I AM UNDER A LOT OF STRESS, SO THIS WAS THE BEST I COULD DO. I'M SORRY! BUT I PROMISE IF YOU ARE PATIENT AND KIND IN YOUR REVIEWS, YOU WILL BE GETTING THE LONGEST CHAPTER EVER. EVERYTHING WILL BE REVEALED AND SOMETHING HUGE WILL HAPPEN! I AM TALKING HUGE! I KNOW I PROMISED ABOUT Snape'S MEMORIES, BUT SOMETHING CAME UP AND I WAS REALLY STRESSED THIS WEEK. JUST GIVE ME SOME TIME AND I GAURETEE YOU WILL LOVE THE NEXT CHAPTER! IT WILL BE SO LONG YOU NEED TO CALL IN SICK TO READ IT. I PROMISE….THANK YOU.


	26. Ways to Infuriate a Potions Master

**Annoying Snape**

**50 Ways to Infuriate a Potions Master**

**50. Hide his socks.**

**49. Hide one sock. Send him ransom notes with bad drawing of where they could be. Make sure they all look suspiciously like Malfoy's room. **

**48. Snap his wand in half.**

**47. Send him the pieces in a small, unmarked bag with a nasty letter inside stating he should think twice about tormenting the house-elves so.**

**46. Sing him a song.**

**45. Sing him a love song.**

**44. Off-key.**

**43. Name your cat after him and insist you thought of the name before his parents did.**

**42. Follow him around begging for his autograph. When he declines act as though it's the worst news you've ever heard in your entire life. Run to the Astronomy Tower and make sure the entire school knows you'll fling yourself from the building if he doesn't sign you parchment. When he does, ask that he signs your shirt, socks, hand, arse etc. **

**41. Treat him as though he were a child. **

**40. If he sneezes, act as though he is deathly ill. **

**39. Hold a séance in his rooms. **

**38. Tell him he can't join you.**

**37. Auction off his clothes. Buy them all and brag about what a bargain you got them at.**

**36. Send him small, Harry Potter resembling cakes.**

**35. Invite him to the next party Gryffindor holds.**

**34. Ask if you can call him The Sevster. Call him that even if he says no.**

**33. Steal ingredients from his personal stash and give them back to him the next day. Insist loudly that you found them sticking out of his pocket or drawer.**

**32. Grade your own essay's before handing them in. **

**31. Try and establish a correspondence with him over the summer. Act like nothing happened when school starts again.**

**30. Pick a date in which you think his birthday could be. Send him extravagant gifts. When and if he ever hands them back to you, yell, "Aw, you shouldn't have!" and get all giggly.**

**29. Talk to the air next to you as though it were a person. When he calls on you, pretend you don't hear him. When he yells, yell back and act as though he interrupted you.**

**28. Skip, singing into his rooms daily.**

**27. Name your cauldron, talk to it daily.**

**26. Faint daily during his classes.**

**25. Establish a drinking game. One shot if he takes off points from Gryffindor, two for yelling at Harry, three if he praises a Slytherin, finish the bottle if Neville breaks down and cries.**

**24. Belch and then point to the person sitting next to you.**

**23. Ask to borrow money. When he declines, start muttering something about 'Cutting the purse strings'.**

**22. Send him love notes.**

**21. Send him love notes from Malfoy.**

**20. Buy him the entire collection of Lockhart's books. Have them all signed to The Sevster.**

**19. In private, call him your special someone and giggle.**

**18. Mess up his desk.**

**17. Do your entire essay as if it were a letter. When he tells points out your mistake, act all upset and insist that you must have sent your essay to your sister and your letter to him. When he tells you to get it back, say you mailed it just yesterday, the muggle way, and that she lives in Siberia. When he asks you to re-do it, ask him "Huh?"**

**16. Sneak into the staff room and paste the walls with Sevrobelia.**

**15. Insist you have no idea who he is.**

**14. Hang onto his every word. When he stops for dramatic effect, look heartbroken, when he begins again, look as though you may burst with excitement. When he finishes, clap loudly and stand up. **

**13. For Christmas, buy him a gift certificate to a tanning salon.**

**12. Have a water balloon fight with yourself. If he catches you, insist the other party just sped off and he was missing them. When he gives you detention, call him a biased-the rest in some made up language. Smile all smugly when he admits he has no clue what you're talking about.**

**11. Make up ingredients.**

**10. Dot your Is with hearts.**

**09. Write obscenities in the middle of an essay.**

**08. In French.**

**07. Insist you thought it was an actual ingredient.**

**06. Show up at his class four hours early.**

**05. Send him a pink, glitter spitting hat.**

**04. Get a six month run of detentions with him.**

**03. Make him give his memories away.**

**02. Open a door in his face.**

**AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO INFURIATE A POTIONS MASTER IS:**

**01. Make him fall madly, uncontrollably, can't sleep, can't eat, end of the world, in love with you.**

**Annoying Snape**

**Confusion, which is ok because pretty soon I will know what really happened and…yeah, so there!**

"Miss Granger," Snape said matter-of-factly. "I was wondering when I would be bumping into you. I haven't seen you for quite some time so it seemed only practical that you would turn up now. What have you done this time? Love notes from Mr. Malfoy, balloon animals in my study, Mr. Potter bound and gagged outside my rooms? Well, what this time?"

"Huh?" I asked, frowning. What the hell was he talking about? First of all, why would Malfoy write love letters to Snape unless…well, alright maybe they are gay together. Which I'm totally fine with because I mean, whatever. Secondly, why would I put balloon animals in Snape's study? I wouldn't dare go into Snape's study unless it was absolutely necessary to do so. Lastly, I would never tie Harry up and leave him out so Snape could get him…would I?

"Don't play dumb with me, Miss Granger," Snape hissed and took me by the arm, a little too forcefully I might add, and led me down the hallway. It was really beginning to hurt when he suddenly shoved me into a room, much to my protest, and closed the door over. "I am not letting you out of here until you tell me what you've done and where." There was a long silence.

"Professor, I don't know what you're talking about," I whispered. Snape's eyes widened and he seemed at a loss for words for a moment.

"Did you just call me 'professor?'" he asked incredulously.

"Yes, sir," I replied and once again he seemed absolutely stunned.

"Do you remember giving me a hat with glitter spitting out of it?" Snape asked, peering closely at me. I wanted to take a step back because I actually thought he'd gone insane. I was really thinking that something Voldemort had done to him really just flipped a switch and he had gone insane.

"Um…no, sir…?" I replied, shifting nervously on my feet. "Are you alright? You look really, really pale. I mean more pale than usual…Not that you're pasty or anything!" I said quickly and completely mortified. "I mean, you're not pasty. Just you've seemed to become more pale than usual…" He stared at me as though he couldn't believe his eyes.

"Miss Granger?" he asked again, leaning further into me.

"Yes…sir?" I replied. Really now, something was up with him. Maybe he was going insane. For the love of Merlin I do not want to walk him to the Hospital Wing and then wait around as Madam Pomfrey, let's face it the woman is an idiot, tries to cure him. I mean, I have things to do. Such as find my memories…That sounds so cheesy like a bad movie or book or something.

"You're not just testing me?" Snape asked suspiciously.

"Testing you, sir?" I replied. Really all I wanted to do was run away because I don't think he's sane of mind anymore. Maybe one too many potions splashed up at him or maybe a Death Eater meeting finally got the better of him and he went insane.

"Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?" Snape tried again.

"Um…no…do you?" I asked, also leaning into him. "I think you need to lie down or something, sir."

"Maybe I do," Snape agreed. "Well…carry on. Off to lunch with you." He opened the door and waited for me to walk out of the broom closet. I hesitated and then walked out of the small room and back out into the deserted hallway. Snape seemed very, very cheerful. "Have a nice day, Miss Granger," he said and then he left with SMILE! A smile, Snape smiled at me.

I didn't know what to do so I looked around for a minute, trying to get my bearings because this was hands down the weirdest thing to happen to me, and slowly started to walk to the Great Hall. I don't know what just happened here, but I really don't like it. I need to talk to someone, possibly Ginny. For some reason I feel very close to her, I don't know why, really.

As I entered the Great Hall I saw Snape sitting in his usual seat, don't ask me how he got there before me because don't all villains get to the place the hero is going in less time? He looked at me briefly before glaring back down at his plate as though it told him a bad joke. I slid into a seat next to Ron and Harry, who seemed disgruntled that I had split them up.

"My head hurts," Ginny complained, rubbing it slowly. "I've got a huge bump on the back of my head and I don't know why!" I felt it as her hand moved and felt myself gasp.

"You must have been hit with something," I explained to her. "Like a bat or something. Maybe a-"

"Book," Ron said sagely. "She was probably hit in the head with a book."

"Who would hit you in the head with a book?" Harry asked Ginny. Everyone turned to Ron who was shoveling food into his mouth at an alarming rate. I'm really afraid that one day it'll all come spewing back all over me.

"Don't look at me! I didn't do it," Ron said defiantly through a mouthful of food.

"Oh, he didn't do it," Ginny said irritably. "Sure, he's an idiot but he wouldn't hit me in the head with an entire book. Maybe a bat? Did you hit me in the head with a bat?"

"You know, it's entirely possible, but really, who could tell?" Ron said with a shrug. "Maybe I did hit you…I don't remember-"

"We've lost our memories so obviously no one would remember hitting anyone with anything," Harry finally snapped as Ron went off on all the different things they could have hit each other with. "I must say, this has been one of your stupider discussions."

"Thank you, Harry," Ginny replied coldly and went back to spreading jam on her toast.

"I think I've gained weight," I exclaimed, poking myself in the ribs. "Feel that fat roll," I offered to Harry who didn't take it. "Look at me, I'm enormous!"

"Yeah, uh, shame, pass the salt," Ron said, extending his hand for it. I handed it to him without looking up and continued to poke myself. Where in the hell did I gain this much weight?

"I must have gained ten pounds," I snapped. "Well that's it, I'm not eating again."

"I think I've gained weight, too," Ginny said, sounding panicked. "Oh my Merlin! I'm huge. I was just thinking a moment ago that my thighs seemed slightly more bulgy, but this just proves it. I'm a hag! I'm fat aren't I?" Ginny turned to Harry who hadn't been listening to her.

"Huh?" he asked. Ginny seemed to flare up at him.

"I just asked you if I was fat," Ginny snarled. Harry looked her up and down and then shrugged.

"It's probably just holiday weight," he finally said after some thought. I've never in my life been more frightened of anyone. Ginny seemed so angry that her face got all red and she seemed to be shaking with anger. First of all, there are some rules when it comes to talking to women. If they ask you if they're fat, you say no without even thinking about it. Never, ever think about it! We don't want you to consider it. Second of all, never, ever tell us yes. If we ask if we look fat, you say NO so fast it kills you. Never say 'holiday weight' or 'you could do to lose a few' because it'll get you killed. If you don't believe me just wait for a woman to ask and then reply with something other than no. I'll tell you after she breaks up with you or kills you, you'll learn.

"Harry, run," I coughed into my hand. He turned to me, looking slightly worried. For the first time it was Ron who was actually agreeing with me. "Run," I coughed again.

"Holiday weight?" Ginny snarled.

"Bye," Harry squeaked, hopped up, and ran away. She stared after him for a long moment before she too hopped up and strode out from the table muttering something very, very rude about Harry. In fact, if I wasn't afraid that she was going to kill him as soon as she caught up with him, I might find it funny. Then again, maybe I wouldn't. I don't know what I would do anymore.

"Boy, I sure hate to think what's going to happen when she catches up with him," Ron said with a chuckle. He began to eat quickly and I stared at him.

"Do YOU think I'm fat?" I asked, almost too softly to be heard in case he thought I was mad or he laughed at me or something. He turned to me, looked me up and down as Harry did, and went back to his lunch. He didn't even answer me! Who does that, I might ask? "Ron, I asked you a question," I snapped.

"I don't want to answer," Ron replied, looking uneasy.

"Why don't you want to answer?" I asked, suddenly flabbergasted.

"Because you know when I lie and I think you might have gained a few pounds and I didn't want to tell you," Ron said quickly so that there was a good chance I would miss it. He was looking at me as though I might pounce any minute. "You always seem to know when I'm lying."

"You think I'm fat?" I snarled, suddenly clutching onto my fork.

"No!" Ron said, looking panicked. "I think maybe you've put on a few, that's all."

"So Ron, apparently when they took your memories they also took away your sense of when to tell a white lie and when to tell the truth," I snapped.

"No, I think I've always missed that part of my brain," Ron replied, almost cheekily. "Listen, I'm sorry. You're not fat. You're far from fat!"

"Thank you," I said, not feeling as angry.

"You just seem chubbier than I remember," Ron added.

"Get out of my sight this instant!" I barked. He didn't hesitate to leap into the air and flee from the room as though he had been scalded. I sat there feeling as though I had just encountered two of the stupidest prats in all of Europe! Who the fuck, whoa excuse my language, tells a woman, to their face mind you, that they're fat? Who does something like that?

After lunch I went on to Arithmacy and then to Potions, where it was probably going to be weird what with the whole Snape grabbing me in a closet. I slid into my seat all nice and early, thinking this wouldn't be anything to freak out about. Although, Snape walked out of the bookcase, where I guess there's a room when he doesn't want it hidden, and glared at me.

"I knew you were lying," Snape snarled at me, and threw down a package of something green. I gaped at him for a moment before I trusted myself to speak.

"Huh?" I asked, as intelligently as possible.

"Shall I look for a trap now, or later when all the students come in. Which should give you more pleasure? Now or later?" Snape asked, his voice all fake and such. Once again I couldn't do anything but stare at him.

"What?" I asked, finally finding my voice. This was not only the most we've ever said to each other, but the most time we've spent alone together. Aside from the whole pulling me in the closet thing, me and Snape have never really been alone. "I don't know-"

"Miss Granger!" Snape bellowed. There was a beat.

"Er, yes?" I asked, feeling my heart beat begin to accelerate. Just then the bell rang and everyone piled in looking less then happy about double Potions. Harry looked like a scolded child and Ron looked plain frightened of me.

The time dwindled on, Snape glared at me several times nearly making me make a mistake. I finally finished my potion and handed it in to him. He snatched it out of my hand and thrust a thick packet into my hand for me to do while the others were working.

"Er, Professor Snape?" I whispered to him, hesitating to go back to my seat.

"What?" he barked at me.

"Wh-what's the date?" I asked. Snape looked up to glare at me again, making my heart begin to beat and my hands to become sweaty around the papers. He seemed to size up my question before taking a large, shuddering breath.

"May the twenty-fourth," he replied coldly. I gaped at him, nearly fainting right on the spot.

"May-twenty-four?" I sputtered. My heart was bearing out of control and my entire body seemed numb with fright. "N.E.W.T.s!" I rasped. Snape looked at me again and rolled his eyes.

"Miss Granger," he snapped, "you have had plenty, if not ample, time over the past six months to get your bearings together. Please, take a seat and fill out these forms." I glanced down at them, feeling as though I were going to burst into tears. We would be taking the test, THE TEST, in no less than a week. Do you know what is going to happen to me if I fail? I'll probably never get a good job, I'll have to come back and re-do my final year! Which wouldn't be so bad because at least I could see Snape more-

What! WHAT? What? What? Did I just say….WHAT?

"You look like you've swallowed a cactus," Ron commented. I turned to him, my face still numb with shock. "What's the matter? What did you do? Hermione…?"

"I'm fine," I said, not feeling fine AT ALL. "Hand me a quill and some ink."

"Here," Ron said, handing it to me. I took it from him and began to fill out all the worksheets as fast as I could. So far, the questions were pretty simple. I wonder if…Snape would grade these or if they were just busy work. I mean, I don't NEED busy work. If you left me alone, in a room with nothing but my mind, I would be totally fine. I guess not all people think that way.

"Thank you," I responded, taking it out of his hand and clearing my throat slightly. "'What is the odd root out: a) Neptune b) Mandrake c) Frewn d) Suyn'" I quickly circled A and moved on. As I got towards the end, the questions became more fun. I had to think and go over everything I had ever learned in my entire Wizard school career. Finally, after what seemed like only moments, Snape stood up, scaring the heavens out of Neville, and demanded all the vials. It was almost time for the dinner bell. After two double class periods, in which I can safely say I'm ready for a break, dinner will seem like an absolute treat. I needed one because of the whole finding out I had not but a week to study.

**Annoying Snape**

**One Agonizing Week Later**

"Close your books!" Snape barked. I looked down at the last test I would have to take. The last test of my entire life. The last test at school. The last test that Snape would ever give me. The last test. I felt sad suddenly. Everything seemed to be spinning out of control. My days at this school were over. This was my last test of Hogwarts.

People were closing their books all around me. I glanced at their faces to see nothing but absolute delight written in every single twinkle of the eye. Snape glared at us after the last test was brought up to his desk. There seemed to be something in the air as we all sat there in tense silence. After what seemed like ages, Snape placed his quill on his desk and surveyed us all. I didn't know I should feel. What would my life be like without Snape making me feel like shit? What would I be like without Snape telling me what a know it all I am.

"While this has been a disastrous seven years, I will not lie and tell you I'm not pleased it has come to an end. You lot are the stupidest, most dangerous people to ever come in contact with a cauldron. I literally fear what the future holds in store for all of us with you lot in control," Snape said. No one seemed to know what to do.

The bell rang, scaring us all out of our wits. We didn't want to leave in case Snape was still going to say something else to us. He just stared at us, rolled his eyes and motioned at the door. Everyone around me, leaped into the air and sped from the room. As soon as they crossed the threshold, cheers and laughter were being sounded from around me. Harry and Ron waited for me.

"Go on," I muttered to them.

"You're not going to say GOOD-BYE, are you?" Ron hissed, looking scandalized. I rolled my eyes.

"No, I've forgotten my quill," I snapped. Harry met my eyes and I could tell in an instant he knew I was lying.

"Come on Ron," Harry said, not giving anything away on his face. "I'm starved."

"Meet you in a moment," I said and watched them leave. After taking a deep breath, I turned and strode back into the Potions room, feeling as though I were going to pass out with excitement. Snape glanced up briefly as I entered and seemed instantly annoyed.

"Miss Granger, you'd have to be daft to think I've corrected your test already," Snape said coldly, and turned a page in what looked to be an old book.

"No," I snapped, my voice coming out harsh and clipped. Snape glanced up at me.

"Then what is it?" he asked, standing up and pulling a book down from a bookshelf. "I would like to get to lunch this day, Miss Granger. Say what you have to say and leave."

"I think you're an a-arse," I said, my voice wavering. There was a long, stony silence and I felt my entire body become numb with shock. Did I just say-

"I beg your pardon?" Snape said his voice sounding very soft and dangerous. I didn't back down and stutter an apology my mind was begging me to.

"You heard me. You're an arse," I said, my voice now calm. "You're a complete and utter arse. All I've ever done is my best, the best out of anyone, and you could never, ever see that. You make fun of me and you're rude to everyone. I am the smartest person in my year and you treat me like crap. I just wanted to let you know that I think you…suck. I think you SUCK." There was a long ringing silence after my outburst. At first, I thought Snape might literally whip out his wand and kill me.

I expected the worst. I expected detention, my essay in tiny pieces on the floor, a cheeto for a nose. I did not expect him to come around the desk, take a hold of my face and kiss me, dead square on the lips. I didn't expect for my bag to fall to my feet, my robes to slip from my shoulders, my body to press into his. After what seemed like centuries, we pulled back from each other. My entire body was tingling with something close to delight. That's when realization seeped into me. I didn't know what came over me, all I could register was embarrassment. Plain and simple embarrassment.

"I'm s-sorry," I gasped, backing up. I nearly tripped over my bag as I reached down to yank my cloak and bag into my arms. "I am so sorry." I turned and fled from the room, my entire body red with heat. What had I just done? I just KISSED Snape. It must be end of the year jitters. That's it. Jitters.

"Where were you?" Ron demanded as soon as I slipped into a seat next to him.

"I just kissed Snape," I said, my entire body shaking. Harry began to violently choke on his steak and soon his entire face was red. They gaped at me in horror and I did the only thing I could think of. "Kidding!" I cried, forcing a delighted smile onto my face. They glared at me and then began to laugh with me as I tried not to cry.

Lunch passed by in a haze. I couldn't think straight let alone listen to anyone. After excusing myself from the Common Room, I headed up to my rooms and settled down onto the bed. The end of the year dance was tonight. I wondered if I would even go. I sighed and reached to turn off my light. My arm connected with the lamp, knocking it to the floor. As quickly as I could, I grabbed it as it rolled under the bed. That's when things got interesting. Under the floor, buried in what seemed like piles of dust, were five small vials. I picked them up and settled back onto my bed. One of them had a small roll of parchment inside of it. I figured I should open that one first.

_Dear Hermione, _

_Hey, it's you on May 11, 1997. Um, I'm guessing if you found this then you finally knocked that god-awful lamp over and under your bed. I asked Dumbledore to place these here because sooner or later, hopefully later, you would find these. In case your wondering, you didn't get caught in the middle of a potion fight. Far from it. In fact you asked Dumbledore to take your memories away from you. I can't tell you why, well I could but I won't. let's just say it was better for the both of us. If you have found this earlier than May 31 please put these back and wait patiently. I know you want to. _

_Alright, well, I need to go. Dumbledore's going to suck my memories away from me. I wish you the best of luck. Also, I'm SO sorry you're going to see what you're about to see. I would never subject anyone but myself to this. _

_Lastly, once you get your memories back, you'll be the same person you were over two months ago. Be safe, be kind, and work out: your ass must be huge by now. You were on a very strict diet._

_Love, Hermione._

I gaped at the letter and set it down on the table. I couldn't believe this! MY ASS IS NOT FAT!

Right, more pressing matters. My memories. No wonder things have gotten fucked lately. Should I dive right in and open one? Should I wait? Oh, who am I kidding?

I settled back into the pillows and uncorked the first bottle. As soon as I took a breath in, my entire body seemed to swirl around. Memories flew by my face as quickly as a movie. My cheeks became inflamed as I glanced at the things in front of me. They were all of Snape. They were memories of Snape. Of me and Snape. Of Snape and me.

I felt my body collide back with the bed. I loved Snape. I remember now…I remember everything. I'm in love with Snape. I couldn't control it any longer and I needed out. I couldn't bear to think of not being with him while I was next to him. I did the only thing I could think of.

Oh, fuck! I hit Ginny over the head with a vase…She must never find out. Holy mother fucker, I gave Snape…well, like I've said before. I do NOT like to think about that. I need to…I need to go to the dance. I need to put on a dress and I need to find him. He's most likely at the dance.

I got all dolled up for Snape. I even waxed. Alright, I actually care what Snape thinks. I'm going to find him and tell him I love him. He kissed me today so that must mean something. As I walked into the Common Room, I saw Ron standing with Hannah Abbott. They were talking and laughing together, obviously he found out they were a couple. He'll be pleased. Harry and Ginny seemed to have made up and now are making out. Malfoy and Pansy were just striding around the dance floor.

I was wearing a little black dress. My hair was magically straightened so it fell around my waist. My dress was tight in all the right places and fell just before my knees. I'm no man, but I must say when I looked in the mirror I totally knew I was hot.

"You look nice," Ginny hissed in my air. I whipped around to stare at her. She was smiling. "By the way, I totally forgive you." I gaped at her.

"I don't know what you're-"

"Hermione, you hit me over the head with a vase. I forgive you," she said smiling. I smiled at her and felt my cheeks flame slightly. "I would totally do you if you were a guy."

"Thanks," I said, pretending to get all giggly.

"Listen, I'm going to go have sex in the Astronomy tower. Is there anything I can get for you before I leave?" Ginny asked, looking at me softly.

"No," I said shaking my head. "Be safe." She just waved and left me standing on my tiptoes trying to see over the many heads of people around me.

"Looking for someone?" a voice said in my ear. I whipped around to see Malfoy standing there looking his usual cocky as hell self.

"Not that it's any of your business, but yes," I snapped, looking back over at the crowd. There was a pause and then Malfoy sighed.

"Don't bother," he snapped.

"Excuse me?" I asked, turning to him with my eyebrows raised.

"He left," Malfoy said, his voice almost soft and caring.

"Who?" I asked, playing dumb.

"Don't play dumb, Granger," Malfoy snapped. "Snape left after dinner." I stared at Malfoy in absolute shock. I didn't know what to say.

"I have no idea what you're on about-" I began, thinking he was lying.

"Fine, do as you see fit," Malfoy snarled and walked away from me. I glared after him and made my way to the buffet.

"Did you hear?" a Ravenclaw hissed to her fried.

"What?" the other one hissed back.

"Snape left," the girl said excitedly. "Or he's leaving."

"When?" the blonde asked.

"I think tonight," the Ravenclaw replied.

My plate fell to the floor with a clang. I turned and headed to the door as fast as I could. I pushed past the crowd and hurried with all my might out of the crowded room, feeling it close in around me. I didn't realize I was running until I found myself banging on Snape's door. It echoed off the walls and the empty-ness surrounding them. I felt like crying.

Suddenly, the door flew open and Snape stood there wearing muggle clothes. I stared at him, completely shocked.

"What are you wearing?" I burst out.

"What are you doing here?" he countered, looking slightly embarrassed.

"Someone said you left. That you quit," I rasped, realizing why I was actually here.

"They say that every year," Snape replied after a moment. "Is that the only reason why you've come?"

"No," I said, shaking my head slightly. I looked back at him. "I love you. There, I've said it. I am in love with YOU. Of all people for me to fall in love with, I've chosen YOU! Well, I didn't so much choose you as I did my name. I couldn't help it. You made me. You fucking made me! With your stupid sarcastic comments and your apprenticeship. I've spent the last year pulling out my hair because of YOU. Y-O-U. What does the all might Snape have to say about that, huh? Why do you think I've ANNOYED you? Because it was fun…maybe. But, really I did it so that you would notice me for something other than a buck-toothed, insufferable know-it-all. I may be someone who is extremely smart and talented and amazing at everything except flying…alright, so what? All I've ever wanted was for you to notice me for something deeper than that. More important. Like my chest. So, I'm going to go because I think someone may have spiked the punch and I've just made a complete arse out of myself. Have-" Snape leaned down and kissed me again. Everything felt so unremarkably amazing.

So that night I lost my virginity to Snape. We tumbled into the bed and made "love" like two people who have just recently been let out of prison.

"Can you-" Snape started. "Thank you." I shifted and let my lips come crashing down upon his again. Almost as though it were an accident, but lets face it I don't do anything to him by mistake, I lifted my hips to rub against his. He let out the sexiest sound I have ever heard in my entire life. In the blink of an eye, he had my dress lifted off of my body and thrown onto the floor. "I love you."

"Hmm," I smirked and kissed him again.

Twelve hours later, I woke up next to Snape and had no idea what I should do. Do I get up quietly and leave before he gets up? Do I wait for him to get up and then silently slip out while he's in the shower? I was going to have to leave in twenty minutes to catch the train. I couldn't wait any longer.

"Snape," I hissed, poking him hard in the back. He slapped my hand off of me and grunted in his sleep. "Snape!"

"What?" he barked.

"I need to go," I said, biting my lip. He turned to me as though sad to see me leave. I watched as he looked at my steadily.

"Good-bye Miss Granger," he said. I frowned slightly. "This was a great way to end the year." He turned over again and I felt myself staring at his turned back. Anger seeped into my body and I wasn't able to move or say anything. He was just going to leave it like this?

"Good-bye Professor," I snarled, rolling out of bed and slipping my dress back on. "See, I thought after having sex for the first time, you would be a little more grateful the next morning."

"For your information," he snarled, sitting up and turning to me. "that was not my first time."

"It sure felt like it," I bellowed before turning and stalking from the room. I felt my cheeks become wet with tears as I sped past the bustling students.

"Where were you?" Ron asked me, pointing to my dress.

"I fell asleep in the library," I snapped, wrenching my bag out of his hands.

The last hour I spent saying good bye to people I hated, pretending to care, and lying to people telling them I would write and keep in touch. I was about to board the train when I realized with a start that I had left my purse inside the castle.

"Just have Dumbledore send it later," Harry said, pulling his face off of Ginny's long enough to tell me this tid-bit of information.

"I can't," I snapped, running out of the compartment. I sped across the terminal and up the steps to the castle, which took about twenty minutes. As soon as I got up into the Great Hall, I noticed my purse laying exactly where I left it. I transfigured it to look like an ugly plant and then I forgot about it because it was so ugly.

"Miss Granger," someone said from behind me. I turned sharply and came face to face with Snape. "Hermione."

"Snape," I replied coldly. We stared at each other for a moment.

"I'm sorry," he said, sounding out of breath. "I was laying in bed telling myself what an idiot I was. I just can't do this. I can't just watch you go like this. Stay for a while. Let's have lunch. I'll personally deliver you home to your parents."

I stared at him for the longest moment. "Alright," I replied.

**Epilogue**

Harry and Ginny got married shortly after he defeated Voldemort. Ron and Hannah got married shortly after that also. Snape and I had lunch that last day and he delivered me home to my parents one month later. We lived together for four years before getting married. I wanted a real job and another life outside of marriage. For once in his life Snape had no objections.

To this day Snape and I have an unusual, infuriating relationship. I can annoy that crap out of him in once flick of my hair. Our kids have grown to understand that we fight because we care and we scream because we love.

To this day I am still referred to as the Girl Who Wooed Severus Snape: Ice Man. I have a small statue.

A/N Here it is. Read and review.


	27. Scales

_**A/N: I wasn't sure I was ever going to touch this story again, but I finally got my creative juices flowing, and this is the "sequel/oneshot/27**__**th**__** chapter" I was hoping for. See the bottom of the story for the rest of the author's note. Oh, and I hope you enjoy.**_

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Severus Snape looks over the list in front of him. As he goes down the list, his brows become more and more creased until he looks up at me with a full frown on his face. Seeing the frown on his face causes me to frown in return.

"What?" I say, a bit defensively. I've seen this look about a dozen times before.

"Did you have a seizure half way through writing this list?" he asks, flipping it around. I study my chicken-scratch for a quarter of a second before he turns it around. "I have no idea what the last two items on this list are."

"Give it here," I snap, snatching it from him. I study it for a second, not admitting that I cant even myself make out the last item, but say, "Salamander tails and…scales. A new set of scales." That's not really what it says, but it's really what I want it to say, and it's really what I want him to purchase.

"A _new set of scales_?" Snape repeats, giving me a look clearly questioning my sanity. "Let me just muster up the money for a new set of scales for you."

"Honestly," I reply, rolling my eyes. "I'm not asking for a new broom or a house, you idiot, I'm asking for some new scales. Mine are off by a fraction and you remember last night when that potion exploded in my face!" Snape smirks at the memory as I rub my middle finger over my eyebrow, which I had to grow back last night. Living with a Potions master does have its rewards, even if it is the simple fact that he could whip up a hair growth potion in a matter of minutes.

Snape shakes his head slightly and folds the list in two. He goes back to his paper work, completely, as always, side-stepping the entire conversation I had craftily planned. From the moment we got together it had been decided that trivial things such as anniversaries would not be celebrated. We were happy and did not need to be reminded once a year that we were happy. And for a while I was perfectly alright with that, until the greedy, shallow part of my mind suddenly started to whisper to me. As soon as it began to inform me that I would not be getting a yearly present, aside from my birthday and Christmas (and believe me, I had to fight to keep those two special days). Sure, I had the money for new scales, but if I could get Snape to buy them for me…

"So, a new set of scales should be the last thing on the list and that'll be all for today," I say, taking a sip of tea. I do not dare make eye contact with him, lest I actually see the look on his face and crack a smile. I scrunch my nose and keep my eyes fixed on the wall over Snape's left shoulder. Finally, I can take no more and lower my eyes. He is not giving me the satisfaction of entertaining my little game.

"Don't be a child, Granger," he replies in what could be considered a cold manner, but I know better, "buy them yourself."

At the word 'child' I feel my feathers get flustered and I abruptly stand, gathering my plate and cutlery. I go into the small kitchen and place them into the sink, hearing the loud 'clank' and greeting it with a cringe. I must sound like I am having a fit, when in reality it no longer has anything to do with the scales. I take a deep breath and begin scrubbing at the few dishes in the sink the Muggle way. I feel eyes on me, but refuse to turn.

"You know, you could just use your wand and have them done within seconds," Snape informs me. While I admit many things I do get under his skin to the point of annoyance, the one thing that tops the list is my sentimentality with the Muggle way of doing things. I do not use my wand for rudimentary things such as washing a dish and have tried to inform him of the satisfaction that comes from a little elbow grease. When I tried to explain it to him he honestly looked at me as though I were the craziest person on planet Earth.

"I know, we've had this conversation," I say evenly. "I don't mind doing them by…" I trail off as the dishes beneath my hand suddenly vanish, along with the suds and water, and appear on the terry cloth towel next to the sink, sparkling and dry. "Hand," I finish, turning to him with a cold glare. "I wanted to do them by hand."

"Now they're done," Snape says with an impartial shrug. "And we can now focus on whatever is bothering you."

"What's bothering me?" I ask with a barking laugh. I wipe my hands on my pants and brush past him into the small nook overlooking the garden. I gather his plates and tea cup and head back into the kitchen. "Nothing is bothering me," I say. "And Merlin's army help you if you magically do these dishes," I warn as I turn on the tap and feel for the warm water. As soon as it arrives I plunge my hands into the water and began scrubbing the dishes clean.

"Fine," Snape replies. "Simmer, pout, be moody." He turns and leaves the room. Leaves the room with me angrily scrubbing on plates and fighting all of my instincts to fling a tea pot at his head. I want to run after him and inform him why I'm really so angry, but can not even stand the thought of the look on his face. It will be the same look that covered his face the first months we were living together. Though he says otherwise, the look on his face was clearly screaming, "Why are you wasting your time with her?" He would turn to me, looking slightly panicked as though he realized spending "rest of his life" with someone twenty years younger than him, and me at such a young age, was really going to get tiring.

It was not a fairy tale ending that met us after I left Hogwarts. Quite the contrary. Snape actually refused to let me move in with him up until four months ago, and I highly suspect he was quite concerned with my moving into his bat den and making appropriate changes. The first being to open up a damn curtain and let some natural light into the deprived house. For the most part it has been a tense transition, with both of us fighting the urge to kill each other every day.

I've spoken to some of my friends, curious as to how their relationships are going, and have been told that my relationship with Snape is weird. "Fucking mental," as Ginny said. Apparently one isn't supposed to get into throw down, punch out fights with their mates, only to drop the argument minutes after it begins. And as I think about it, I always envisioned myself in a very different setting, with a man who loved me unconditionally and wanted nothing more than to spend every waking moment with me.

Instead, I got a man twenty years my senior who has been set in his ways since he was twelve years old, and who was not just reluctant to change, but refused to change.

Despite all the reasons why we should part ways and perhaps try to live separate lives rather than kill each other in a fiery mess of spells and hexes, there are always more reasons to stay. One of them being that he challenges me. He doesn't let anything, except my mood swings, go without a challenge. He is my intellectual counterpart, who reads as much, if not more than I do. He'll leave a book on my bedside if he thinks I'll like it, or the newspaper turned to an article he thinks I might like. When I commented that _Pride and Prejudice _was my favorite book, he purchased a copy of it for me, for no other reason than he wanted me to have it. Also, we respect each other on more than a physical level.

But really, _child_? He _knows_ how much that irritates me, him calling me a child. I'm not a child anymore, and haven't been for some time! I am coming onto my twentieth birthday and would love to be treated as such. Sure, an old woman in a café a few weeks back suspected us of being father and daughter, but that doesn't make me a child anymore than it makes him a lecherous old man.

I finish the plates and place them in the cupboards hanging on the cream colored walls. As I close the last one over, and turn to leave the room, I jump, faced with Snape in the doorway.

"Must you do that?" I snap, brushing past him. "If you are going to skulk around this house like a ghost, at least inform me of your presence."

"I think I know what this is about," Snape says, a touch of triumph in his voice.

"You know what _what_ is about?" I reply testily. I make my way into the living room and begin to fluff at the pillows littering the couch.

"Your mood," Snape says. He leans against the single column separating the living room from the breakfast nook. "I think you're having a change of heart about our agreement."

"Our agreement?" I ask.

"Yes, and will you stop repeating everything back to me? I'm aware of the words coming out of my mouth without you parroting them back at me."

"Parroting them back at you?" I ask, a smile tugging at the edges of my mouth as I toss the last fluffed pillow onto the couch. He scowls at me. "Please refresh my memory about our agreement."

"Not to celebrate our anniversary," Snape says. "I think perhaps you're pouting because you want a gift."

I raise my eyebrows at him. "Huh" is all he is granted with as I walk around the couch and head up the stairs to my right. As I enter out small bedroom, and hear his footsteps coming up behind me, I am desperately wishing this house were a touch bigger.

Snape had purchased this small little cottage a few years ago and decided that if we were going to start a new life, he needed to be out of Spinner's End immediately. He still kept the property, but rarely went to visit it. I shudder to think of all the dust piling up along the window sills.

The house that we live together in has a small living room with a fireplace, stairs to our bedroom and bathroom on the right of the room, across from the front door. The small breakfast nook and kitchen make up the rest of the house. We don't entertain much, which is fine with the both of us, and the size doesn't really bother me until we start fighting, in which case it suddenly becomes much too small.

"Do you think it would be possible to have a conversation without you walking out of the room?" Snape asks, giving me an annoyed glance. "How about we save ourselves a tense day and you let me know what is bothering you."

I glance at his reflection in the mirror in front of me, my insides twisting in embarrassment. Somehow, he's made me feel like the buck-toothed girl in Fourth Year all over again with his question. Though, the buck-toothed girl from Fourth Year wouldn't have dreamed that the Potion Master of Hogwarts would one day shag her within an inch of her life. I brace myself for his reaction as I turn to face him.

"Please don't call me a child anymore," I say firmly.

He opens his mouth and then closes it again. I seem to have caught him off guard. "When did I call you a child?" he asks.

"At breakfast," I say. I twist my hands and then try and muster up my strength to remain firm in my request. Despite everything we've shared with each other, there are times when he'll look at me or say something to me, and for the slightest of seconds I'll think I am in the dungeons of Hogwarts and he's about to dock my house ten points. That is one of the reasons I don't call him Severus. I did a bit at the beginning, but we never took to it, and I prefer to call him Snape instead. He calls me Granger, or Hermione when he's being tender, because, after all, that is how we've been referring to each other for close to nine years now. This is simply how our relationship functions. Fucking mental, as Ginny said.

Snape gives me a weary look and says, "This is why you've been sulking for a half hour? Because you were acting like a child and I called you a child?"

"I wasn't acting like a child," I snap. He doesn't understand that I am self conscious about being called such. I realize how we look as a couple, and I know what people must think when they see us together. The last thing I want is for people to think I'm some skanky ex-student who managed to sway the dreadful Potions Master. I'm afraid that for a very long time, people will only assume that the only thing we share together is sex, or something. When really, like I said before, we are each other's intellectual equivalent. "Just…for me, will you stop using that term?"

"I'm sorry, darling, I didn't realize it offended you," he says and I am surprised at the sincerity and warmness in his tone.

"Well…thank you," I say, unable to keep the surprise out of my voice. I expected mocking and sarcasm, not understanding and sincerity on the first go.

He sighs, sounding like a parent appeasing a spoiled child and says, "Sure no problem. Any other words you'd like to eliminate from my vocabulary?"

There it is.

I ball my hands into fists and say through clenched teeth, "No. Don't worry about it. But, just for the record, if I'm a child and we're currently shagging, then that means you're shagging a child. So, really, you're just making yourself look like a dirty pedophile! I'm going to go out back in the garden for a bit. Don't follow me." I wedge past him again, cursing his name in my head. His greatest fault is his inability to recognize I actually have balloon-like feelings and his pin prick remarks cause them to burst and deflate. Showing any sort of emotion is seen as weakness to him, and it is something I am actively trying to get him to reconsider.

Getting Snape to show actual, genuine emotions is pretty hard. Something has to be very funny, or very dear to his heart for him to crack even a smile. The first time I saw Snape coming close to showing any actual emotion is once, when he was reading the paper at the table about three months before I moved in. I had quietly gone down the stairs a bit before dawn, in search of water, and stumbled on him instead. He was reading the paper and actually let out a laugh. A true, genuine laugh like I never heard before. Usually, when he is happy he'll smirk, maybe smile if he's in a tender mood. For the most part he's completely passive with his emotions, which was a bit unsettling at first. Even with something like sex he is very quiet and precise in all of his movements. Which is fine, I don't mind the sound of my own voice and don't have to worry with baby talk or embarrassing dirty talk. Only once has he actually lost it towards the end of sex and actually cried something out and, knowing him as well as I think I do now, I could tell he was slightly embarrassed, whether it be from actually showing some sort of emotion, or by the sound he made. And I know this relationship must sound mental and a bit twisted, but if I could take my 'magic wand' and change something, I'm not sure I would. For the most part, we work together, even if my emotionally devoid partner always has a scowl on his face.

As I pass through the kitchen, I notice his scale sitting on the small work table by the back door, all of Snape's things out. He must be planning on working on a potion today. My hand is on the door handle when I pause, and look back at his scales. I bite my bottom lip, considering my idea, and then go to the armoire against the wall of the kitchen. I open it, revealing herbs and ingredients. On the top shelf are my set of scales, which are almost identical to Snape's. Well, aside from the fact that mine are a fraction off, while his are spot on. I take mine down, wiping a spec of root off and swap them with the gleaming and loved set of Snape's. I close the door over again and then head out into the backyard. Perhaps once Snape sees what a terror and hazard mine are, he'll reconsider not buying me a new set.

For the rest of the afternoon I work in the garden, taking pride in the sweat forming on my back and neck. Snape hates to see me in the garden because, again, he can not understand why I would do four hours worth of work, when three simple waves of my wand would get everything done. Snape just doesn't understand my need to stay connected to my Muggle roots.

As it is, I don't get to see my parents much anymore. To say they were less than pleased to hear I was dating Snape is an understatement. When I introduced him, my parents were immediately taken aback by the immediate elephant in the room: the age gap. However, as I introduced Snape to my father and said, "Daddy, this is Severus Snape," my mother, standing next to my father and sipping on a martini, suddenly began to cough, choking on her drink.

Once she was able to breathe again, she gave me a scandalized look and said, "Love, would you please help me in the kitchen," and yanked me by the arm into the next room. "Hermione, love," she hissed, "correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this your teacher from Hogwarts?"

"Yes," I replied, slinking away from the dumbfounded look on her face.

"The one that made you cry?" she pressed. "What the…Why…_What's going on_?"

"Mum, that was years ago. He's a changed man," I tried to explain. "We fell in love."

"This is ridiculous," Mum had hissed to herself, placing a palm on her forehead. "Girls fall in love with their _college professors_ not their mean cooking teachers who used to make them cry when they were thirteen!"

I stifled a laugh, despite the situation. "He isn't a _cooking_ teacher," I said. "He's a Potions teacher. A very powerful and respected one at that."

She took her hand away from her head and took several calming breaths before bursting into tears. I gave her a horrified look and tried to calm her, to no avail. Finally, after fifteen minutes, she came out of her panic attack and composed herself enough to take the pot roast out of the oven before it burned. We didn't speak for the rest of the night and dinner was a terribly tense affair, with my mother not making eye contact with Snape unless absolutely necessary. She wasn't trying to be rude, but I could tell all she wanted to do was go sit in a dark room with a stiff drink and wrap her head around the idea, and I completely understood. I was not the daughter who freaked out and demanded my parents immediately love my boyfriend. They didn't have to and it was understandable why they would have their reservations. On the outside we look ugly, but I know we're beautiful and once you get to know us together, it is clear that we are.

So, besides a demanding job and parents who are trying to understand why their only daughter is now dating her once hated teacher, we don't get to see each other as much. We write to each other once a week to keep in touch. I know that my parents will come around eventually and even if they don't completely accept Snape, that's okay, too. My parents are reasonable people and I believe that with time they will see that we fit together in a way no other person could have fit with me.

As the hot afternoon sun beats down on my back, I finally take a much needed break. I head into the house, which is under a cooling spell, and grab a glass of lemonade off the counter. I do not acknowledge Snape as he works on a potion he is trying to perfect.

It isn't until I am in the house and cooling off that I realize how exhausted I am. I feel a bit lightheaded from the four hours without water and sun beating down my neck. I finish the glass of lemonade and head back into the kitchen for another glass.

"I'm sorry," Snape says, not looking up from his work. The sincerity in his voice engulfs me like a warm hug on a cold day. I turn slightly, to see that he has stopped working, waiting for my response.

"It's okay," I reply. I walk back towards the living room, this time passing close enough to Snape to place the briefest of kisses on his head. I settle onto the couch and feel as though I could nod off. I probably would have if it hadn't been for the sudden explosion that comes from the kitchen. The glass of lemonade in my hand falls to the ground with a thump, hitting the carpet and not shattering. My eyes fly open and I see smoke coming from the kitchen, but am too frightened to get up from the couch. A feeling of dread suddenly overwhelms me as I suddenly remember switching scales with Snape this morning. A soft, drawn out, "Fuuuuuuuck," comes out of my mouth.

I am about to call for Snape when I suddenly hear, "What the fuck?" being yelled and the sound of a chair slamming into the wall. "Bloody fucking, useless piece…" He trails off and becomes a bit unintelligible, though I can hear him cursing and swearing. "And I'm fine, by the way!" he calls sarcastically.

"I'm sorry!" I cry, jumping up and rushing to the door frame. The previously cream colored walls are scorched with black soot and the table, once on the right hand side of the wall, looks as though it slammed into the left hand side of the wall with enough force to send a crack in it. Most of Snape's ingredients are on the ceiling.

"That potion was perfect!" he yells. "I had all the ingredients perfected down to the last cunting herb!"

"I'm sorry," I say, a fearful laugh threatening to escape my throat, "did you just use 'cunt' as an adjective?" I ask.

"Yes!" he yells. He kicks the chair and places a hand on his hip, surveying the mess, trying to calculate the exact cause of the problem.

"Maybe your old eyes just aren't what they used to be," I say, teasingly. I smile at him, raising my eyebrows at him as he levels me with a furious glare. My smile immediately slides off of my face and I say, "Sorry. Not the time for jokes?"

"No. Not the time for jokes," he snaps. "That took me _four hours_ to perfect!" He points at the remnants of his potion almost accusingly, as though it exploded on its own accord.

"Oh?" I ask. "Four whole hours?"

"Yes."

"You didn't…like, get up for maybe three hours and forty-five minutes and go do something else?" I ask, feeling fear start to engulf me. Sure, a little guilt, but mostly fear for my own life. My heart begins to beat wildly as he gives me an annoyed glance.

"No, four whole hours on this stupid…FUCKING POTION!" he yells, losing his perfected calm. Very rarely have I ever seen such a display of emotions from him.

"And you don't have any idea what happened?" I ask, knowing that is probably the last question I'll be able to ask before he gets angry at me.

"No!" he barks at me. "Are you reporting on this, or something? My name is Severus and I was in my kitchen at about three thirty when my potion suddenly exploded in my face for no apparent reason!" His voice rises at the end, and I flinch slightly.

"Want help cleaning up?" I ask timidly.

He sucks in a breath, and I am almost sure he is going to yell at me, but then says, tiredly, "Yes, please."

"Let me get my wand," I say.

As I am turning to leave, I hear him muttering to himself, "I just don't understand…GRANGER."

"Hmm?" I ask, turning around. I freeze when I see him holding up my scales, reading the inscription on the bottom. I suddenly remember that I had my name inscribed into them, in case there was ever scale thievery in my life.

"Is this…Did you…" He is looking at me, slightly dumbfounded. "Did you switch out my scales?"

"What?" I cry, and throw in a nervous laugh for good measure. "No!" I say, as he heads over to the armoire and throws it open. "No, don't go in…there."

He lets out a noise of disbelief and wheels around, his scales in his left hand, mine in his right hand.

"How did those get in there?" I ask, pointing at his scales. "Dear, you _must_ be more careful about stuff like that. I mean…" I trail off, his face nearly apocalyptic now. He advances towards me and, losing my head completely, I cry, "Oh, Merlin, don't _kill me_!" just as there is a knock on the door.

Sensing he might want a second alone to collect himself, I hurry into the living room to answer the door, just as I hear, "Bloody fucking MENTAL!" from within the kitchen. I open the door to reveal a small woman with a young boy. I vaguely recognize them from the few times we've been getting mail from our mailboxes at the same time. Me at the top of the hill, her towards the bottom. The woman has her arm around the young boy, holding him tight, and a look of stark terror on her face.

"Oh, hello," I say politely.

"Is everything alright?" the woman asks me.

"Yes, of course!" I say cheerfully. Behind me, I hear a loud crack and a thud, and know one of our chairs has taken a sever beating. "Everything's fine. That's just my…er, my crazy father. He's off his meds!" I say, trying to lighten the situation. The woman must think I am getting beat in this house.

"BLOODY POTION TOOK ME ALL DAMN DAY AND…GREAT. THAT'S NOT GOING TO COME OUT OF MY CAULDRON!" Snape yells, obviously not caring about whoever was at the door.

I smile at the woman. "He thinks he's a wizard." I laugh for good measure. "Everything's under control."

"Oh, well, okay then," she says awkwardly. "Um…right. My son, Joshua, say hi, Joshua, is selling raffle tickets for his end of the school year raffle. I was wondering if you would like to purchase a ticket? It only costs about five quid, and you write your name on the back and have the opportunity to win a mountain bike."

"Um, actually, right now isn't a—"

"Wizards are real," the boy, Joshua, suddenly pipes up. He had been transfixed on the spot under the crook of my elbow, which was a clear view of the kitchen. He could probably see Severus skulking about, pacing and muttering angrily to himself.

"Are they?" I ask, smiling down at the boy.

"Joshua, shh," his mother hisses. "Sorry about that. Anyways—"

"I know they're real," the little boy snaps at his mum.

"How do you know?" I ask, playing along, a playful smile on my lips.

"My brother got a letter from a school called Hog—" he was cut off by his mother suddenly placing a hand over the boy's mouth. Her face was a bright red color and she fumbles with her next few words.

"Uh…Um…" She laughs nervously. "So, would you like a ticket?"

I smile down at the boy and then nod. "Sure. Let me get my purse." I close the door over, run up the stairs and grab my purse. Just as I am about to run from the room, I paused and grab a pen out of a drawer in my desk. I scribble something on a piece of paper and then hurry back down the stairs to the living room. I open the front door and say, "Five quid, you said?"

"Yes." The mother looks relieved to see me again, and from the indistinct mutterings I could hear from Snape upstairs, I could only imagine what she could hear downstairs.

"Okay." I pull on ten quid and say, "I'll take two tickets."

The mother fumbles with the tickets and my tenner, but finally gets everything sorted out and I am thanked profusely for my donation. Just before they leave, I say, "Hey, Joshua, would you do me a huge favor?"

"Yeah?" he asks.

I bend down to get at his level and hold up the piece of paper in my hand. "Would you give this to your brother for me? He might find this useful in his new school."

The little boy accepts the piece of paper and unfolds it. He reads a few lines and then says, "Who's Professor Snape?"

I smile broadly. "A very dear friend," I say. "What's your brother's name?"

"Michael Porter," Joshua answers.

"Ok, well you tell Michael Porter to keep that in mind," I say. I bend upright, ignoring the mother's look of half horrification, half curiousness. She tugs at Joshua and they hurry down the road. I smile again, because she has the same look my mother had right after I got accepted into Hogwarts. It was, quite simply, a look that said, "My child is going to turn me into a toad, isn't she/he?"

As I close the front door over, feeling incredibly happy with myself, I am greeted by the sight of an incensed Potions master standing in the doorway leading to our kitchen. Perhaps I should have invited the mother and son in, told them my name, my parent's contact information and why I may end up missing or dead by the end of the night.

I hold up the raffle tickets and say, "We have a chance to win a mountain bike!"

Snape stares at me for a moment before saying, "I am so angry, Granger, I can't even properly form the words to express it. I am, for one of the first times in my life, completely…speechless."

"Obviously not," I say, "as you just said tons of words just then."

"One more joke," he says warningly. "One more joke and I'm going to lose it."

"Snape, I'm sorry!" I say. "I really am! But…now don't you see why I need a new set of scales?"

"Is this what that was?" he growls. "You were just trying to prove a point?"

"Well, at first," I admit. "I didn't know your terribly important potion was going to explode in your face, seriously, that wasn't my intention." I wring my hands. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

"Yes. I'm going out. Please stay the hell away from my work area, alright?" he barks. He grabs his cloak off the hanger near the door and throws it on over his shoulder.

"Where are you going?" I ask.

"Out," he snaps.

"Oh, come on, Snape!" I snap. "You're not going to be mad at me forever, are you?" I raise an eyebrow at him. "It was an accident and I apologized. If you remember, I wasn't that mad when you killed my fish!"

Snape's nostrils flare, which is his version of bunching his hands into fists and looking as though visibly trying to get annoyed emotions under control. "First of all," he snarls, "_this_" He gestures at the kitchen, "was not an accident. Second of all, yes you apologized. Fine, I acknowledge your acceptance. Third of all, that fish was, in your own words, eight months old when you brought him into our house. You were the one who left the fishbowl by the window. Either way, he would have been within two days. And…No! Do not compare what you did to your _fish_!"

I internally sigh. I almost had him derailed into angry mutterings. When I want to redirect Snape's attention to something, anything, else, I usually bring up the rare instance when he screwed something up and try to link the two together. And his memory is foggy, as I recall. He placed the fishbowl in the window sill, though I'll let him have this one.

"Fine," I say. "You're right. Again, I'm sorry. I guess we're even. You called me a child and I caused your terribly important potion to explode. Even stevens." I turn on my heel and hurry towards the stairs. I am halfway up them when Snape's voice greets me.

"I already apologized for that and IT ISN'T THE SAME THING!" Snape yells. "I'm going out."

"Where are you going?" I ask.

"For a drink," he snaps.

"Drink here," I suggest.

"Trust me, Granger, you want me to go get some air," Snape replies.

"Fine," I say, somewhat despairingly. "Wait. Do you…I mean, do you want to…take your anger out on me in the bedroom?" I say, trying to lean forward a bit and create some cleavage.

Snape's face is completely impassive as he says, "Thanks, but no thanks."

"Fine. Go get your air," I snap.

I go into our bedroom and shut the door over. I hear the muffled sounds of the fireplace ignite as Snape disappears to wherever it is he is going. I sigh heavily, feeling terribly tired. Now that I think about it, what did I think was the best that was going to happen? Well, besides Snape's eyebrows getting singed off. That would have been hysterical and fitting. No matter what happened he was going to be angry with me.

Of course, this would be the day I decide to enact my scales revenge, and this would be the day that Snape would decide to begin work on a four hour potion. Of course. Of course. Of fucking course.

I flop onto the bed, listening to the silence of the house. For the most part, the house is usually silent, if we aren't speaking to one another. Occasionally, Snape will put a record on an old player I found for him which he enjoys terribly. It was one of those things, besides me, that I have seen him express some emotion about.

I suck in a weary breath and release it again. Snape will get over this, eventually. Sure, he'll pout about it for tonight and maybe most of tomorrow, but by this time tomorrow night the incident of the kitchen will be something of the past. Perhaps we'll laugh about it, though that would have to involve Snape actually laughing, which is pretty slim. That isn't to say he doesn't laugh. He does. Sometimes. Occasionally. Every now and again. Okay, fine, he's a grumpy bugger. Happy?

I sit up. I should probably clean up the mess in the kitchen. And that is what I do, though this time I use magic to ensure that it is done within minutes. It would serve me right to clean everything by hand, which I am terribly surprised Snape hasn't suggested by now. I bet he comes home prepared to say so and finds the kitchen completely cleaned, which will just piss him off more. For good measure I dirty a dish and leave it in the sink, you know, just in case.

As I pass by the living room to go back into the bedroom, I pass one of the bookshelves. I grab at the loved and worn copy of _Pride and Prejudice_ and head back up to my room. I toss the book onto my bed and then head into the bathroom for a quick shower. I wash the dirt from my hands and knees and the odd places I've touched such as my neck and face. Once I am done I feel clean and fresh and forget about the incident with Snape for a full ten minutes.

Trying to push it from my mind, I head back into the bedroom, carrying my dirty clothes in one hand, and holding my towel with the other. I toss my dirty clothes into a laundry basket, another annoyance of mine that bothers Snape, and pick up my hairbrush. I run it through the tangles, which immediately spring back into curls. Even wet, my hair is thick and heavy against my shoulders. I run my fingers through it, running my finger nails soothingly on my scalp. Once that is done, I go about putting on a change of clothes. Now only four o'clock in the afternoon, I briefly wonder if Snape will be home for dinner, as he is the one who prepares most of the meals and wonder if I should think about dinner for myself. I am more tired than hungry and decide to take a nap, hoping that when I wake Snape will be home.

I open up my closet door, where my dresser resides against the far left hand of the small space. On the right hand side hangs dresses and robes. On the shelf above my dresser and clothes are shoes and boxes of sentimental memorabilia. I open the top drawer of my dresser and pull out a pair of knickers. I yank them on, then a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. I toss the towel over my shoulder into the basket and close the top drawer of my dresser. Getting out of my dirty clothes and the shower has done wonders for my mood. I pull at a flip flop and then fumble around the top shelf for its mate. Even on my tippy-toes I can not quite see the top shelf. I fumble for a minute before locating it and dragging it out.

In doing so, I accidentally pull one of the boxes off the shelf. I scowl at the mess it makes, and bend down, sifting everything into a pile to shove back into the box. I pause, glancing down at a folded piece of parchment. I sit down, the box of scattered goods in between my legs, and unfold the parchment. As soon as I begin to read the words, a huge smile spreads over my face and I hear a laugh come spilling out my throat, from deep within me. I laugh so hard that a sharp pain forms in my side and I cling to it, laughing helplessly, unable to stop.

I wipe a tear away from my face and say, "How to Infuriate a Potions Master…Cause his potion to explode in your kitchen." I smile and run my fingers over my familiar scrawl, precise and neat when I wanted it to be, messy and illegible when I was in a hurry. The list was a mix, some suggestions written with obvious care and, surprisingly, the ones that I was the most attracted to, hurriedly scribbled down, lest I forget them.

How I forgot about this list. As crazy as it sounds, this list very rarely crosses my mind, and has never come up in conversation with Snape. I can't remember if I ever actually told him why I suddenly started acting like a completely different person Seventh Year, but he hasn't really pressed me for a reason. I know he can stand me in longer quantities now that I've matured and mellowed out a bit. He once admitted that he honestly had no idea I had a personality aside from regurgitating tidbits of information from textbooks and, had it not been for Seventh Year, he would have never even entertained the idea of being with me. Also, after I prodded and nettled for close to a week, never letting the subject drop, he could take no more and admitted that in all his years of teaching he had never had feelings for a student, until I started acting the way I did.

Snape admitted that the first time I acted "out of character" he was so taken aback that he was surprised it hadn't shown in his face. He honestly didn't know how to proceed and went to Dumbledore to inform him he suspected a student had either been Polyjuiced or possessed. It wasn't until he began getting wise to my little plan that he was able to start seeing me as something other than a walking text book. He said that my Seventh Year was his favorite year of teaching in all the years he had been teaching. Or maybe that was the blowjob under the desk talking, I don't know.

I made my way down the list, a goofy smile on my face until I reached the end. I folded the paper again and held it to my chest, right near my heart. This silly little project of mine, this means of revenge against such an irritating man, completely change my life. It completely knocked my life off the axis in which it was spinning, and caused it to spin a different way, in a different direction.

I turn the upturned box over, holding my hand out to catch the various things that spilled out from its contents. There are a few snapshots, a little clear baggy with some purple pills and a dried up plant leaf. I place them back into the box and then still completely, spotting something still snug within the box. I take it out, and unfold it. If finding the list caused me to laugh, then finding this hat caused my body to have a mini seizure. For minutes I was unable to do anything except lay on the floor as my chest helplessly heaved up and down with laughter. I suck in a deep breath and try to exhale, but instead a million giggles expel from my throat. I snort and wipe the tears of laughter leaking out of my eyes.

"Oh, Merlin," I say when I finally catch my breath. I vaguely remember finding this amongst Snape's things in his office at Hogwarts right before I left for good. Despite only about two years ago, these tokens seem to belong to a distant person. It is nice to see these again and remember my Seventh Year.

I place everything except the hat into the box and place it back on my shelf. With my flip flops linked through my fingers, I head over to my bed. I toss my flip flops on the floor, push _Pride and Prejudice_ over and settle into the soft and comfy bed. I place the hat next me and run my fingers over the soft pink fabric and along the purple letters. "Potions or bust," I whisper to myself and then become engulfed in giggles.

I finally settle down again, and place the hat to my chest. My eyelids feel heavy and I let them close once, open them, close them, open them and close them for a last time. I slip into a tense dream in which Snape is sitting at the kitchen table, a fish bowl next to him and a talking fish in the bowl. As I get to the bottom of the dream-stairs, the fish turns to me and says, "Actually, Hermione, it was _you_ who placed me next to the windowsill." And I reply, "Oh, yeah. Right. Sorry about that."

I awaken with a jolt. I stretch out on the bed and glance around the room. The late afternoon sunlight has completely disappeared and the room is now almost completely dark. I glance out the window and see a lavender sky that fades into a deep blue further out. The little clock on the bedside table reads 8:16.

I yawn and sit up, stretching out my arms. I've been asleep for close to four hours and feel slightly worn down from my epic nap. My motions freeze when I hear the faint sounds of movement from below. I throw my legs over the bed, my feet searching for my flip flops. They slide on and I stand up. I flick the bedside lamp on and, with the hat in my hands, walk over to my mirror. I smooth down my crazy hair and then place the worn hat on. It settles onto my hat in an awkward manner, immediately slipping down past my eyes so I have to keep pulling it back up.

I smirk at my reflection and head down the stairs. Snape's back is to me as I walk towards him. I creep up behind him. He is drinking what looks like a cup of tea, a spoon to the right of the cup. I stand to his left and tap him on the shoulder. He turns to face me and I walk in front of him so he can see me better.

"I'm sowry," I say softly. I then bring my hands up to my face as though mimicking cat paws and run one over my nose as though cleaning myself. This little pet thing is something I would never, ever do in public. If I thought about it, I would never have even done it in front of Snape, except one time I did without thinking. As soon as I had done it, a huge smile had spread over Snape's face and he looked incredibly amused.

So, I do it now a few times and Snape stares at me, his face completely impassive. He narrows his eyes a bit, and then I see the corner of his mouth twitch and I know I've got him.

"I'm sowry," I repeat again and then, on cue, the hat suddenly explodes in old confetti, if a bit weakly. The confetti floats to the kitchen floor, my shoulders, Snape's shoulders and kitchen table. Snape's mouth twitches again even more forcefully.

Finally, he breaks. His face breaks into a broad smile that causes my heart to skip a beat. He is so beautiful when he smiles. Snape looks about fifteen years younger with a smile that causes his features to look less extreme and harsh. His eyes glint with amusement and then he laughs. He laughs for a bit and I smile down at him, before placing my hands on his shoulders.

"Forgive me?" I ask.

"Forgiven," he returns. His arm reaches down to the floor and suddenly comes back up. Hanging off the pointer finger of his right hand is a small blue bag. "For you," he says.

"What is it?"

Snape rolls his eyes. "Wait the fifteen seconds and open it and be surprised."

I sniff and take the bag from him. I open it up to find a wrapped box. I pull at the paper until it is off. There is a plain brown box underneath the paper and I claw at the tape on the sides until it is off and the box will open. Inside a red velvet cloth is a new set of scales.

"New scales!" I cry. "This is such a surprise! How did you know I wanted these?"

Snape smirks at my joke. "I was working on my potion and BAM it suddenly came to me."

I stare at him, a bit shocked. "Did you just make a joke?" I ask.

"No," Snape says. "I just would rather not see my love die from a stray potion. Here. This is also for you."

He hands me another wrapped gift. "I didn't get you…"

"Hush," he says. "Just open it."

I do as he says and reveal a small little box for jewelry. Really, it's intended for women who travel. However, I have been complaining that by midday I no longer like wearing my jewelry. It starts with my rings, then my bracelet, and then my necklace and earrings until they are all bunched together in my pocket. Though I have no come right out and asked for something like this, the fact that Snape remembered me complaining makes me smile with unbelievable joy.

"Thank you," I say happily. I kiss him and then nuzzle against his neck for a moment. "Oh!" I say suddenly, "I do have something for you! Hold on. I'll be right back."

I hurry from the room and up to my room with the small little box on the shelf. I take it down and open it. The list is sitting on the top, where it has been sitting for over a year. I take it out and then place the box back in its place. I push the hat out of my eyes as I run down the stairs and back over to Snape.

"Here. For you." I hand him the list.

He accepts it from me and begins to read it. As he goes lower in the list, I see the corners of his mouth twitching in amusement. When he reaches the bottom of it he gives me a sweetly tender look and then kisses me again.

"Yeah?" I say, smiling and nodding. "You likey?"

He nods. "Yes. I _likey_."

"Let's go upstairs," I suggest.

He accepts my offer, he places his arm around my shoulder and we head out into the living room. Just as we are about to reach the stairs, I suddenly remember Joshua from earlier.

"Oh, just a heads up, sometime during the first week of school a boy named Michael Porter is going to be coming to see you," I inform Snape as we climb the stairs.

"Why?" Snape asks, looking unenthused with the idea.

"I told his younger brother to tell him you'd make sure he was doing alright his first few weeks," I say.

"Why?" Snape sounds annoyed.

"He lives down the road and he's a Muggle! He'll be away from home and is just learning about this new world. A kind and comforting teacher is going to help him loads!" I say, nudging his arm. "And I thought you're just the man for the job!"

"_Why_?" Snape asks, flopping onto the bed, looking exhausted by the idea.

"Because you're the only person I know who is teaching at Hogwarts right now," I say.

"Ugh. I hate children," Snape says.

"Which I believe is the number one attribute all teachers should have," I say sarcastically. I settle into the bed next to him and give him a small smile. "Just be nice. For me? Be nice for me?"

Snape also settles onto the bed and turns to look at me. "You're lucky you're cute."

"Hah. As if. You're lucky I want your old arse anywhere near me," I return playfully.

"Oh, please, you love me," Snape replies, also playfully. I smile lovingly at him, living for these incredibly private moments between us. I relish in the fact that I am perhaps the only person in the entire world who has seen Snape act in such a way.

He reaches out and slides his index finger down my nose and over my lips. He is staring intently at me before he says, "Happy anniversary, Hermione."

"Happy anniversary," I reply.

* * *

_**A/N: As stated above, I wasn't sure if I was ever going to touch this story. Ever. I didn't want to ruin something that people seem to generally love. I have to admit, I am honestly flabbergasted by the response this story has received. I didn't want to fuck it up royally and, as you've probably read the story to get down here, or have skipped down here ahead of time, I hope I haven't fucked it up. I know one of the main things people will most likely say about this story is that Hermione seems different, or perhaps maybe there isn't as much humor, and I realize that. It was done intentionally.**_

_**For this story, I really wanted to explore how I thought Hermione and Snape would realistically live together. Because, to me, having a crush on someone is 100x times different than actually dating them, which is in turn 100x times more different than living with someone. If J.K. were to have taken this story the "fucked up" route and actually paired these two up, I think it might have been similar to this. Again, some of you probably think differently, and that's fine. I wanted to show a more mature Hermione and a realistic transition. I do not believe that if (and that's a big frigging IF) Snape and Hermione got together that it would be fairy-tale love. It couldn't be. There would be so many obstacles they would have to face to even consider living happily ever after.**_

_**Also, if anyone is wondering why Harry and Ron do not appear in this story, that is because I am such a Ron/Hermione shipper, that I didn't even want to mention Ron being married to someone else. I know, why on Earth did you write this story? Because a funny idea came to me four years ago and then last week another idea came to me and wouldn't leave me alone until it was published. **_

_**For those of you who have gotten to the end of this rant, I hope you enjoyed what is now, for sure, the last chapter of Ways to Infuriate a Potions Master. I have updated Moving Out with a final chapter as well (I think I was going through a sentimental period last week), so there is also that to entertain yourselves with. If you're incredibly bored, you could always check out my blog at bighairbigmouth (dot) blogspot (com). **_

_**And, if you've gotten to the end of this incredibly long/boring author's note/rant, then I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you everyone who has read, reviewed and bashed me. I have enjoyed writing for this site so much. :) Also, I just want to say to everyone who reviewed this story or any of my other stories, thank you so much. I read every single review and appreciate every single kind and not-so-kind word thrown my way. I was actually reading through the reviews a few months ago when I was going through a tough time and they totally sucked me right out of my gloom and doom. Wow, this author's note has gotten tres annoying, but I just really wanted to add how appreciative I am of everyone who reviewed. Thanks for being loyal readers! And for all those who woke up family members or spit out drinks on their computers or got kicked out of classes, I apologize. **_

_**Sorry this turned into such a lame author's note, but I feel as if this is probably the last thing I write on fanfiction while I concentrate on my original work and I really just wanted to thank everyone. Again, bringing on the lame. Alright, all goodnight! :)  
**_


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